musings of the mind

DH and I had a lovely drive this morning for me to see the counsellor.  It was such a gorgeous sunny day.  We picked up coffees, put on some tunes, and went on our way.  The way down we actually had a nice time just talking about stuff.  Not fertility stuff, but just other life stuff.  It was nice. 

My appointment with the counsellor went well.  It wasn't anything groundbreaking, and for part of the time I felt like I could have been the one asking myself the questions, since they were things that I have been saying to myself all along.  But there were a few highlights and things that came to awareness.  I'm going to list a few here to help me gather my thoughts about today:

- Right now I have a lot of resentment towards my parents.  It's not that they are bad parents, but I'm obviously not putting enough boundaries up because I'm building resentment (more on that another day)
- Due to the previous realization, I am going to have a talk with my parents (or write a letter) asking them to step back a bit from their involvement in our lives with regards to infertility.
- I really value my husband and how he has handled all of this.  I want to honour him more and respect his wishes for space and privacy (from other people) when he needs it.  One way to do that involves not having my parents as involved in our lives right now.
- I need to learn to say no.  I always thought I was pretty good with boundaries and all that.  However, I've realized that I only say no if I have a valid excuse!  It is nearly impossible for me to say no to somebody if I just don't want to do what they are asking m.  I always come up with an excuse or go along with what I'm being asked to do.  Even this morning, my brother-in-law wanted us to make the 3-hour drive with him to look at houses in Victoria where he is moving.  I didn't want to go, but I had told him we would try to make it.  Conveniently I booked my counselling appointment on the same day so that I couldn't go! 
- DH and I are "normal" (as far as infertiles go) in our struggle to maintain intimacy in baby-making right now.  BUT... the good news is that it won't always be that way!  It is possible for us to get back to the way things were before. 
- One of my hardest struggles with infertility is my lack of control.  I am the kind of person who does what needs to get done and works hard to achieve what I want.  I am an overachiever, efficient, productive, a hard-worker.  To work so hard at something and have done everything "right" and not have it work is BRAND NEW for me.  I don't really know how to handle it. 
- I really feel like I have come to peace with this miscarriage (not meaning that I'm not sad) through this time I've had to grieve.  For the most part, I don't mind how long it has taken, because I probably would have needed as much time just to grieve emotionally.  (I just hope it doesn't mean my body will take that much longer to get back to normal).

There.  So, looking at all that, I guess I would say today was pretty successful.  Wow!  DH and I had a yummy sushi lunch (gotta get it in while I can) and then drove home.  What was crazy is that just as we were walking to the appointment, we ran into one of DH's childhood best friends.  He doesn't live in that city, but just happened to be there overnight and was just chilling.  So DH had a chance to catch up with him while I had my appointment.  That was pretty cool. 

I am fighting some sort of bug right now.  I felt like I hadn't been real sick for so long.  I was on such a good trend.  And it's gorgeous weather this weekend so that kind of sucks.  But today was a good day and I'll cuddle up early tonight and hope that a good night's sleep will cure all ails.  Thanks for listening!