Today was a much better day! I felt alive again today. I still had some moments of cramping/pain but they were minimal, likely due to the fact that I kept taking painkillers all day today. I took it quite easy but couldn't sit and do absolutely nothing, so I mopped the floors and was the "overseer" as DH and his brother power-washed the house and used the weed-eater on the lawn. Later I tried to sweep the deck and realized that was a bad idea as I had some cramping afterwards. Overall I felt pretty good though. I tried to nap but wasn't nearly as exhausted (plus I had slept for almost 11 hours last night). I just felt so relieved to be through the worst of it!
Emotionally, I actually feel really good. All day I just had this settled, happy feeling, like when you have a secret and there is a smile tucked softly in your lips. I tried to explain it to DH and the closest feeling I could relate it to was nostalgia, where you are remembering something that gives you good memories. I don't know why I feel that way today. Maybe it's partly the hope I have that now we can move on... and the feeling I have that we WILL be successful. Or it just could be hormones readjusting back to normal and maybe I've just been a grump for so long that I forgot what it was like to be happy. Haha! I realized that I barely cried at all during this whole ordeal. The only time tears came was last night, when I was in so much pain. I had heard about a lady we used to know who just had a baby. She must be over 40, and had adopted 2 children already because her and her husband couldn't have kids. I don't know what happened... I didn't even know she was pregnant... but I looked her up on Facebook and there she was holding a brand new baby. Something about that just broke me and I cried and cried.
There's a few thoughts I've been mulling on in going through this miscarriage. Some may be advice for others going through this, and some are just simple observations. Here they are:
- Part of me wishes I had gone ahead with the D&C, or even the misoprostal much earlier than I did. If I had of known the whole ordeal would have been drawn out so long (we found out that we had a blighted ovum at 7 1/2 weeks and did not miscarry naturally until 12 1/2 weeks!), I would have sped it up for sure. We just kept thinking, "Well, it might be tomorrow..." I was scared to use the misoprostal (now I don't think it was much worse than what I experienced) and I didn't want to do a D&C unnecessarily. I'd like to think that the extra time we waited allowed us to emotionally come to terms with what had happened. When it did actually happen, it wasn't surprising and we were ready for it. Somehow, I think that made it easier. I still wonder, though, how we would feel it we had gone ahead with it sooner...
- The lack of precise information about miscarriages is really annoying! I read and read online, but everyone's experience is unique. The part I hated most was not knowing what to expect! It was so reassuring when I received some of your comments (like the one from Mo... thank you!) that helped me see that what I was going through was normal.
- In hindsight, I wish that more people knew about our pregnancy so they could have been there for us through the miscarriage. It was really awkward to be in a place where we were waiting to miscarry, but had not yet. Now that it is over we do plan to tell people that we had a miscarriage and hope we'll get some "after" support.
- Hot water bottle, cool cloth, comfy pants and ibuprofen were lifesavers! At first I had read not to take ibuprofen, but once the nurse told me I could take it and it would help the cramps, I found that it worked way better than tylenol. Thank you nurse!
- I know I had heard about miscarriages before, but really I had no idea the impact of what they were like. I guess that I had never really thought through the process before. Even knowing that my mom had a miscarriage didn't really clue me in. I kind of thought it happened, and it was over, and people move on. For one thing, I didn't realize that they could be so long and drawn out (though I think our case was a bit abnormal). And secondly, I didn't realize the impact that they can have - both physically and emotionally.
- On that note, I know that a lot of people do something to remember their lost baby. I feel torn about this one. Because right from the beginning we knew there was a problem, and because it was a blighted ovum, I never really felt attached to an actual "baby." Still, we had the potential to have a baby, and that failed. Also I don't know how/when to actually "date" the miscarriage as a day to remember. I think I will mark it as May 16th, since that's when the major bleeding started and all. I did pass a bit of something tissue like that could have been the sac... the nurse said it was too small, but it was only a 5-week sac that was shrinking in size. So I think it could have been the baby sac. That was on the morning of the 16th so that is the day I will choose to remember. My mom bought me a plant in memory of this life and I will plant that.
- I plan to take good care of my body the next little while and do what I can to nourish it back to health and vitality. If anyone has any tips on natural remedies to aid in recovery after a miscarriage, feel free to pass them on! Has anyone done a fertility cleanse? I might try that once my cycle gets sorted out.
- As much as I am excited to get back to baby-making, I don't feel anxious to get going. I'm sure that as soon as things start up again, I'll want to get right back at it, but right now I feel glad to be able to let my body get itself sorted out. I also have grand notions that we will become pregnant quite quickly again. I know that is not always the case and so I need to protect myself from disappointment. I just can't seem to shake off that notion...
Well, that's all for now. Oh, I have to show you the project I've been working on during my down-time here (to keep me from going crazy!). Stay tuned for a photo tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!
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