I am going to write about jealousy today. And no, I'm not talking about IF jealousy this time. Right now I feel I need a little break from the world of IF, so I'm focusing on other areas in life. The thing that has come up this week is jealousy. (After writing I realized how long and rambly this is, so sorry for that).
The kind of jealousy I'm talking about is the "back-away-from-my-husband-go-get-your-own" kind of jealousy. You know what I mean? I never thought I was a jealous person, really. I do greatly trust my husband and it has never been an issue of me feeling like he's checking out other girls, or anything like that. He works at a job that is quite involved with lots of different people, and I've come to realize that when he helps others, it really is about their well-being and nothing to do with his own needs. He is good at that. We've built up a great layer of trust that can't be easily broken? So why, all of a sudden, did this issue surface and turn me into a babbling, jealous wife this past week?
I think there are lots of reasons for that! First off, here I am... post-miscarriage, emotional, fat, tired, trying to move on with life but not having a ton of self-esteem (especially in the looks department). I admit, I'm not at my best. (On a side note, this realization has spun me into a complete rampage of trying to look nice, exercise like crazy, buy new clothes, go out on the town, drink wine, and wear high heels... which is quite unlike me normally. I feel like I am trying to redo myself completely.).
Secondly, we have DH. DH is...to put it delicately...in a fragile emotional state. What I mean is that he is still reeling from all that we have been through, wanting to sleep all day and stay up watching TV all night, lost all motivation to do anything...and, in short, depressed. Now, someone in a state of depression is not going to be the one doting on their wife, telling her how beautiful she is, giving her physical affection and being all googly-eyed over her. So, add that to my already low self-esteem, and the bases are loaded for a home-run meltdown.
And so, the silliest thing this week set me off. I feel almost ashamed to write it, but here goes. There is this girl in our young adults group who has recently started coming out. She is a friend of a friend who has now moved away. Our friend is married, and probably about 8 years older than her, but when he lived here they ALWAYS hung out together. I only met our friend's wife once or twice, but this other girl was always with him. She actually lived in their basement. I know that this guy is totally in love with his wife, and must have seen this girl in a little sister sort of way but it just was a little weird for me. I remember thinking that I wouldn't let that happen if I was his wife.
So back to this girl. She really is great. I like her. She is fun, she is happy. The problem is, I think she has more in common with DH than she does with me. And I think she's one of those girls who just is used to talking to guys more, and so when she talks to DH, she is much more animated and expressive than she is when she talks to me. She does make the effort to talk to me, but I just feel like she doens't like me as much. So, when she casually mentioned that DH had TEXTED HER on the weekend, I couldn't handle it. I didn't express it to her, but boy did I give DH the cold shoulder. We were with a group at a bonfire and I was so mad at him! The text was nothing major, just about a concert we were at of a group that she loves and wasn't able to get tickets to. But still! Maybe I'm not up on texting etiquette, but I felt like it is not okay for DH to have any sort of private conversation with this girl who doesn't seem to always get boundaries and stuff. I completely trust DH, I think I just don't trust her. And I was jealous!
In addition to that was the fact that DH asked her to play music with him at church on Sunday. Now this is a touchy one for me. I used to play music a lot. I love music. I just don't play much anymore. I would LOVE to sing, but I am not confident at all with my voice. DH and I have played together a few times, but I really am not good and don't think I meet his standards. He likes to have things done well. So, I let him play with others. However... I have this thing about couples doing music together. I think it is so sweet and cute when a married couple plays music together. I would love for that to be us! Yet, as much as I say that, I don't make it happen. I don't know why, but I just don't practice. I don't play with DH. I want to, but something stops me. And it makes me so mad at myself... and partially mad at DH for not encouraging me on more. I wish I could just play and get good, but it's almost like I feel like I never will so why bother (plus there is always other things to do that seem more important). So, it wasn't just the fact that he had asked her to play (though anytime he asks a girl I get a bit jealous), but it was also the fact that it was JUST GOING TO BE THE TWO OF THEM. Ahhhhh!!!!!!
I know you're going to ask if I talked to DH about it... and I did. I pulled him aside at the bonfire to explain why I was so mad. And he said he understood. I think he was telling the truth, but the problem is I don't even understand myself in it all. I do trust him completely. But I'm still mad about it. Lately I find myself constantly looking for reassurance that he still likes me. Of course he still likes me. I just am having a hard time seeing it right now. So that must be where this is all coming from. Whew... I unexpectedly started crying at the end of that part there. I just want him to be lovey-dovey in love with me again. I feel like the past year has stripped us of that. And I don't know how to get it back.
Can anyone relate to any of this at all? (I'm sure there will be a follow up to this post once my thoughts have settled some more... this is pretty raw).
Raising both hands to that last question.
ReplyDeleteLady, you've both been through a lot and you and DH are still both grieving. It's going to take some time and also some work to get back to the place you want to be. I think you're doing everything right to get back there, but remember to be kind to yourself too. I commend you for all you're doing and for working hard to heal.
Regarding this girl: I don't want to alarm you, but I'm going to be honest; I don't trust her. And I think the reason you're upset is because your gut is telling you something about her. Is it entirely possible that she's completely uncomfortable women and has better interactions with men; yes. But you've also stated that her behavior has struck you as weird. The last thing you need to be doing is second-guessing yourself because of her interactions with DH. It would be one thing if they had a relationship prior to all of this, but her timing seems a bit convenient and her comment about the text sends up red flags.
Put yourself and your marriage first. If this girl is getting too close for comfort, talk with your husband. It's not about you not trusting him nor that he will stray; it's about protecting your family from someone who may have less than honorable intentions.
I am one of those women who act more comfortable around men - most of the time. I have a few really close male friends and it has been hard as they enter relationships of their own. HOWEVER - I have always had Hubby in my life so the girls knew that. I think you and DH need to set boundaries and truly communicate everything you are going through and feeling. If he is in a vulnerable spot - you intuition could be right. Normally, you may never second guess anything but since he is depressed and struggling to cope with what the last year has brought you guys, you have reason to feel uncomfortable. He should turn to you for support - not another woman (even if it is for music).
ReplyDeleteMy one suggestion would be to try not to back him in a corner though - if he's anything like Hubby - he may retaliate and stop any conversation from happening. Address your concerns about the depression and his new found friend and try to act as a concerned wife - rather than a jealous one....easier said then done I'm sure ;)
Your feelings are totally VALID!! Don't diminish that!
It is totally normal (I think) for you to feel insecure in your relationship right now, considering what you have been through - especially in the context of your overall IF stuff. Even without having had a miscarriage I often wondered why my husband would stay with me, what if we could never have kids, what is stopping him from finding some hot fertile girl and make a hundred babies with her, etc.
ReplyDeleteI also get along better with men in general. I have social conversations with guys (the husbands of our friend-couples) on gchat, maybe that is crossing boundaries? Except my computer is out in the open, and I tell my husband about our conversations, and I assume the conversations I'm having with the guys aren't private, either. Is the computer different from the phone? I don't know. These same guys I often have individual conversations with when we are in a group after services at synagogue. On the other hand, I wouldn't call them up to chat, and I wouldn't text them with something funny I just thought of. So I don't know.
"Can anyone relate to any of this at all?"
ReplyDeleteI'd like to answer that with a big fat YES.
Before IF took over so much of our lives, I felt that my husband was completely into me and couldn't get enough of me. But the stress of ttc has definitely but a big damper on our relationship. I know that he's withdrawn from me because of my moodiness and my obsession with getting pregnant. And the fact that I can't get pregnant has a huge impact on my self-esteem. I feel less feminine. I feel old and washed out and useless. When I'm feeling really down, I tell myself that it's only a matter of time before my husband has had enough of this crap and leaves me for someone younger, prettier, more confident, and more fertile. The thing that has helped us out the most in terms of finding each other again has been my decision to take a step back from ttc and to focus just on us for a while.
I agree with the others that there's something not quite right with this girl. Her history indicates that she gravitates towards married men, and that concerns me. I don't think you're wrong to feel uncomfortable about her spending time with your husband and it's definitely something you should talk to him about.
Good luck, hon.