I thought I was doing alright yesterday. Turns out I'm not.
I'm pretty much having a colossal meltdown today, on the brink of tears at nearly everything. It's not even the loss of our pregnancy that I am mourning. I am mourning the loss of time that IF has taken away. I don't know what sparked this on. Tomorrow is May 5th. On May 5, 2005 (05-05-05), my DH proposed to me. That was 7 years ago. SEVEN! We have been married for 6 1/2 years. I went off the pill 5 1/2 years ago. We have been TTC for about FIVE years. 5 years... one pregnancy... one miscarriage. It is just not fair.
I know we have accomplished things that a lot of people have not. We own a house. I have a Master's degree. We both have jobs in our areas of study. We have paid off our undergrad debt. We have traveled. I truly am grateful for all these things. So I don't know why I get so hung up on the fact that we do not yet have kids. I'm 31 years old. But I just feel old. I don't know hardly anyone (apart from my wonderful BFF) who has been married as long as us or is as old as us and does not have kids. It's not just that. It's that I feel ripped off for having to have waited so long for something. By the time my mom was 30, she was finished having us 3 kids. When I look ahead to the future, I see a big question mark. I don't know what it will look like. I still have hope we will have kids. But if we are going to receive the "blessing" of having a child... why couldn't it have been sooner? Why the torturous long wait? That is what I don't get. I don't know what to do with the pain of having to wait for all this time. I just want some sort of answer.
There's a few people in the IF community who have gotten their BFP's this week. While I am so happy for them, I also find myself feeling jealous. Why didn't ours stick? Why were we given the hope only to have it torn away?
I guess I just don't know what to do with all these questions and feelings inside of me. I can't contain my tears. I don't like the feeling of despair that resides in my being. But I don't know how to make it go away.
I stumbled across your blog while reading around various TTC blogs. Your post really made me feel. I hope things look up for you and that you find comfort soon, somewhere. Just know you're not alone... even if this is coming from a stranger.
ReplyDeleteHi Slynn,
ReplyDeleteI have thought of you so much during this tough time of waiting to find out what was going on with my pregnancy. Paralyzed with fear anticipating the ultrasounds. I thought of how strong you were, and are, and how I prepared myself for the worst and thought I will take it like Slynn. I'll be strong too. You were an inspiration for me how you were the rock for your husband, and how you gently are handling the process, and letting it be natural, and I know that your time will come soon. I don't know why things happen the way that they do, but this will happen for you. I think you were given the hope, because there is hope! Like Amy from Chapters says, God gave her a "not quite yet", not a "no".
You don't have to be strong all the time. It is so okay to let the tears fall. Just know that so many of us are on your side praying for you. One way or another, eventually we are all going to make it out of here.
Let it all out Honey. It is so difficult. I can only imagine what you are going through, but I am here for you.
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