Progesterone?

Alright, time for a quick little recap. On Friday I had an acupuncture appointment with my ND at the office where I work. It was great, but she told me she had not yet received my Day 21 progesterone lab results, which I was anxious to see. However, I had brought the mail in and saw a confidential letter that I did not open. Then, later in the day, I saw the opened letter sitting in her pile where I put files and things for her. And I couldn't help but notice that it had my doctor's name on it... and then my name. So, I did a quick peek and saw my PG levels. Now, I am not sure if she had not opened the letter before my appointment, or opened it but wanted to research it, or didn't have time to discuss it with me... but it was pretty significant! Normal levels range between 0.0 and 20.0 (roughly). To conceive, you need sustained levels at 20. It is not common to go much higher. MY RESULTS WERE 235! 235! Now I am on clomid and if there are extra eggs I believe you have higher PG levels, but that is ridiculously high!!! So, of course, I spent all afternoon researching and reading to see what it could be. There is speculation that high PG occurs in pregnancy, but it is not a marker of it. My BBT has been normal (not extra high), but I have wondered in the past if I have too high PG because it seems to take a long time for my BBT to come down, even after my period has started (normally it should drop right as menstruation starts). There are also a lot of posts online about high PG levels and multiple births! But it's not scientific and just more heresay. Still, I am kind of freaking out! And, when I told my DH about it later that evening, he "remembered" that the doctor's office had called for me. Ahhhh!!!!! But the office was long closed, and now it is a long weekend and I have to wait till Tuesday to find out ANYTHING! Ahhhhhhh!!!!

At least I know I did for sure ovulate, and I have enough PG to sustain a pregnancy. But is a pregnancy there? I don't know! I have been feeling slightly nauseous lately. And today after being out for quite a while I felt a bit shaky and like I was going to puke, and had to lie down. I've also had some CM discharge which is odd for this time in my cycle. And a few nights I have felt like "something" is going on in my uterus area. But this could all be in my head. It's not the first time! I could just be tired. It could be from the clomid or progesterone. Or it just could be my period coming early. I can't get my hopes up, although I really, really want to this time around. I feel like if this doesn't work, I don't know what will (well, IVF will but I would much rather not enter that route...). Please God, please!!!!

The Process

So I went to visit a friend and her baby that was born today! I can't actually recall if I have ever met a real day-old baby like that before (I'm sure I have, just none that were that significant). Earlier today I was kicking myself, wondering why I had suggested to visit someone with a brand new baby... but somehow I really didn't mind. I even held the baby! I think I had been given some supernatural strength or something to not let this affect me. We had planned to bring over some meals and food so I had a purpose and that made it easier. Also, this is their 4th kid and they are so casual about things that it didn't feel like she was flaunting anything at me.

I came to a conclusion today (that may change as time continues to go on) that it's not just a kid I want. I keep thinking about adoption and I don't necessarily want adoption. I want the process of creating something together. The same way I want to plant a garden and watch it grow. The same way I wanted to buy a house and furnish it with love. I want to create a baby and lavish it with love and watch it grow. My thought is not fully formed right now, but the point is that it is the process I want and love so much. I love drinking tea because of the process of boiling the water and steeping the tea and putting in cream and sugar. I love listening to vinyl because of choosing a record, and using a record player, and sitting engulfed in sound. I love making espresso because of the grinding and tamping and steaming and pouring. And I wanted a baby to be a fun and magical process. Once you start bringing in all these other "methods" something is lost. And the part that is lost if one of the most important parts to me.

The Dreaded Dentist

Well I seem to be a mixed bag of emotions here still. One moment I’m fine, and the next I am on the brink of tears for no apparent reason! I think I am also hyper-sensitive to anyone who is rude or inconsiderate too. I went to the dentist today and had my first moment of “public exposure.” On the intake form there was a section for any current medication and health problems that were being treated. And, for the first time in my life, I AM on a medication – clomid. So, of course, I had to put it down and write that I was seeing a doctor for fertility treatments. Also, I had seen another dentist in town, whom I did not want to keep seeing, and so I had asked for my files to be sent over. I called a little while back to confirm that they were sending my files and they said they would. Then I arrived today and the dentist did not have my files. It made me even madder at the previous dentist, and so I told the new one that I did not want to have any X-rays done because I had just had them done a few months ago. Anyways, the lady at the desk seemed to be a bit in a snuff because of it all (though maybe it was just my perception). She was also rude and slow at her job and it made me especially ticked off.

My visit with the dentist was good. The assistant was super nice and even asked me if there was a chance that I might be pregnant because they wanted to do a different type of X-ray (she told me not to go until I’m sure that I’m not pregnant). At the end of our visit she even told me not to worry about something (I don’t quite remember what) because “you have enough on your plate right now.” It was the first outside acknowledgment of what I am going through. And it felt so good! The dentist also acknowledged it slightly, telling me that it will happen when it happens and at least I am still young (…not always what I want to hear, but he was genuine and I actually appreciated that he mentioned it). He also thanked me for trusting him and I felt real safe.

Anyways, all-in-all it was a good experience. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 progesterone! I don’t even know if progesterone is affected if you get pregnant, but secretly I hope that I am pregnant and something shows up different, hehe. But that is wishful thinking and I should really ground myself in reality. I have been feeling a bit blah and am super sensitive to any possible symptom that I experience! Last night I had a real bad cramp in my right side – I actually woke up my husband. All through the night I felt pressure in my abdomen and into this morning. Could that be a sign of anything happening (apart from cysts forming, dear God I hope not!)? I wish it were, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high, either. I just realized that I am scheduled to get my period a few days before we leave to go camping out in the wilderness (only with porter potties). That would royally suck (especially because we were planning some hikes on trails that are frequented by bears…) so I am really hoping it either comes early, and gets it over with, or comes quite late… or (best case scenario) doesn’t come at all! Of course if we are camping and it’s late I will be freaking out and probably wait till we get home to take a pee test…

Tea with my aunt...and other thoughts (warning: it's a long one!)

I had tea with my aunt who was visiting last night. It was real nice to have someone to talk to about things. I was not sure how to approach the subject but she just simply asked me, “So, how are you doing with all the baby stuff?” That was just what I needed – somebody to ask me! I realized that the hardest part of this is that I am not outwardly “sick.” I don’t have a visible disease or injury, yet all is not well. As a result, people think I am just fine, and I am not just fine. I had a little meltdown last night because DH was talking about how he has been trying to put on a brave face in the midst of some hard stuff he’s going through at work. I just got so angry and told him that I don’t want to put on a brave face anymore. I don’t want to smile and pretend like everything is okay. EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY! I think I have come to that point where I just want people to know what is going on. I’m not sure if I am looking for sympathy, or support, or people to mind their own business… I really don’t know what I am looking for?

This has been a tough week. Nothing major has happened, but it’s been weary. Like I saw in the example I shared yesterday, I am still busy taking care of other people and making sure that they are okay. I think it is okay to give myself a bit of permission to breathe and be “not” okay for a little bit. I know this is hard on DH though. All he wants in life is for me to be happy. When I’m not happy, he’s not happy! And I want to be happy too. But right now, I want to mourn, I want to be sad, and I want to receive some care and love. Once that has been fulfilled, I’ll gladly try to embrace life and life joyfully. My aunt encouraged me to find joy wherever I can. Luckily, I have great joy in my relationship. DH and I are best friends; we have fun together. I have a wonderful family. I have a rewarding career. I have enough money to have a home and travel now and then. These are all really good things. It’s not that I want a baby to complete my life, or my joy… I just want a baby because it’s the natural thing to want in a loving, happy relationship.

Oh, and just a quick rant note about something that happened yesterday. My mom’s side of the family is trying to organize a family holiday to Mexico at Christmas. I’ve never had a desire to go to Mexico… and I’m not too comfortable with some family members right now (won’t go into detail here) but a trip away is always fun. So, our friends P&J were over and all of a sudden I told them, “I have a brilliant idea!” I hadn’t told DH about the plans yet, so I told them all and then told P&J that THEY should join us (because we have so much more fun having friends around). They kind of laughed, but J’s instant response was, “We can’t go then! The baby is due in January.” Now I knew the baby was due then, and as soon as I said it, I knew there would be a dilemma. But I just wanted them to indulge the idea a little bit and humour me and tell me that it would be so much fun together. But the fact that the very first thing out of her mouth was, “We can’t!” showed me how ever-conscious she is that the baby is coming. I guess the thing is that she never really talks about her pregnancy with me now, and I don’t really ask. But even her small comment in a joking situation showed me how much they will (and already have) change once the baby comes. I just don’t think we’re going to be able to stay as close. And because she is my closest friend here, that is hard to face. I also realized that she doesn’t ask me how I am doing… ever anymore. I don’t know if I’m just getting stickler-like here and expecting more than I should… but I would think that she would at least ask me how I am doing from time to time! I know I’ve been different when we hang out. I am depressed around them. I am tired. I am weary. They MUST notice it. I try to have fun (sometimes), but it is just not the same. I guess this is the first close friend that this has happened with so I am probably processing it way more than I need to. I don’t want to be a bitter friend. I don’t want to be the bitter girl. But I’m not ready to hold my head high and pretend it doesn’t hurt yet. I’m still in pain.

Anyways, I hope we have a fun weekend. I am not really looking forward to anything in particular, but I just want this week to be done. I’ll try to hit up the Farmer’s Market, I think we’re going for a family hike, we have another BBQ with the young adults… and Monday is slated as a “me” day. No commitments! Just me and my DH and my dog, and I’ll call the shots, thank you very much!

Was that too long of a post? Haha! Sometimes I just need to express myself. I don’t expect others to read, but it sure is helpful to get it out of my head.

Just want to cry

I really don’t know how I am holding it together these days. Honestly, I think I am just going to break down altogether soon. Somehow, though, I am holding my head pretty high right now, and I just don’t get it. (Mind you, I am writing this at work and nearly lost it after a phone call from a ridiculous human being…anyways!)
We are having some friends over for a potluck this week and I wanted to invite this couple whom we haven’t seen for a while. The thing is, I am aware that they are struggling with infertility too (I haven’t talked to the girl about it, but DH heard it from the guy). And at this party I have invited two couples with babies, and one who is expecting. So I had the foresight to consider not inviting the IF couple out of courtesy because I know how hard it can be. But here’s the thing: why should I be worrying about this?!? I shouldn’t! It is not my responsibility to make sure everyone else is okay. I AM NOT OKAY!
I’m also feeling a little dreary inside. Yes, I still really, really want to become pregnant. But it’s kind of become a lackluster endeavor. Remember how I said yesterday that my favorite thing is the anticipation of things? Well it feels like if I get pregnant now, I won’t have that anticipation in the same way. I won’t have the joy of finding out by surprise that my AF is late. I won’t have the fun of posting cryptic comments on Facebook and watching people’s responses (I don’t even want to post anything about my pregnancy on FB). I don’t think I would even be excited about having a baby shower or any other types of parties (what’s the point anyways apart from getting free stuff – most of which I probably don’t even want). An ultrasound would be more of a worry that everything is okay, rather than an exciting time to see the baby in action. None of the things that I looked forward to in having a baby will happen the way I wished. Yes, I still want a baby. I am just mourning the process that I am missing out on.
And I just feel like I need a really good cry right about now!

Feeling alone

Well earlier today I thought I had something great to write, but now its the end of the day and I am tired and forget all that I was thinking earlier. My aunt is in town visiting right now. I have been eagerly looking forward to her coming. She is such a warm, genuine person and in the past I have been able to share with her about struggles I have had. I would love to be able to talk to her and maybe release some of the things I have been holding onto.

Right now, I guess the biggest thing I am feeling is lack of motivation. Sure I'm doing things and getting through my days and even planning (somewhat) for the future. But I am not really looking forward to the future. And I'm the kind of person who ALWAYS has to be looking forward to something in order to be happy. Without the anticipation of something, it is not as fun for me. So, when I don't have that "thing" to look forward to, well, I end up depressed. I was thinking that lately I have had some signs of depression. Tired all the time, sluggish, lack of motivation, not wanting to engage socially, gaining weight... but a lot of that could be a combination of the clomid and the whole process of this. As for the clomid, I can't tell what is effects of it, and what is just general feeling "down". I have had a few "hot flashes" at night - not to the point of breaking out in a sweat, but feeling like I just HAVE to get out of the sheets and get some fresh air.

I'm also feeling a bit lost socially right now. I am finding myself pulling away from my good friend J, for no reason. Maybe it's because she's starting to show (she's about 14 weeks pregnant). It's nothing that she does or says, but maybe it's a bit of self-preservation because I know what is coming. I guess that I don't have any friends who ask me about this, and how I am doing. I want someone to care and be concerned and check up on me. And even my DH does not do that all the time, because he probably knows he'll have to spend the night consoling me and cheering me up again. But I really, really want someone to care! I have a few friends who live elsewhere and they check up sometimes, but they're not physically here. I guess I really feel alone. I can get through the bad moments, but sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just want the freedom to cry. And I want someone to console me. Is that too much to ask?

Checkin' in

Well, done the first round of clomid. And I feel fine. We'll see how this goes! I feel really quite a sense of relief now that we are doing something active. I have had acupuncture for almost 2 months now. DH is all in order (he started on antibiotics for his infection). We have an appointment booked in November for the fertility center in Victoria if nothing happens. But I feel like now is the time. Something should happen. At least I hope...

I'm trying to eliminate stress and just slow down. But the problem is, I realized that I feel anxious when I'm NOT doing anything. I like to be busy. I like to have something to DO. How do I maintain low stress and yet keep my mind and body occupied?

I should mention that it is important that DH minimizes his stress and anxiety too. But that is harder to control and I can't try to "change" him (he resists so hard!). Hopefully he'll take those matters into his own hand.

By the end of this week I should be done my FINAL paper for my MACP. That means, that I am almost, nearly graduated! They will send back revisions and I will do the revisions and send it back, etc. etc. until it is perfect and graded as a pass, and then I GRADUATE! I'll hardly know what to do with myself then. Oh my!

Carrying on

Well I'm almost finished with my first round of clomid. I did make a mistake and for the first two days took only one pill (50mg), when I was supposed to be taking 2 pills (100mg). I am debating taking the two extra pills on day 8 so that it gets into my system? Maybe?

Really, I have not felt any side effects of the clomid. Occasionally I will get a big hot, but it's also becoming summer here so that may be it. I have actually been feeling better overall all week. My mood is up, I am less stressed, I am more focused. It may also be a feeling of relief now that the students are gone. I cannot describe how nice it is to have our OWN HOUSE empty of everyone else. I just LOVE coming home these days! I live for the time I get to spend at home. I am still a bit tired, but I think my body just needs time to catch up from my busy life and learn how to settle down a bit more.

Overall, I just feel hopeful about the future, about having a baby. I was reading this great book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I read it a while ago but was going through again and just overwhelmed by how well designed our bodies are. We don't need to stress about making a baby - our bodies know perfectly well what needs to be done! Of course, there are problems that get in the way, but so far we have no identified problems. DH has his doctor appointment tomorrow. We'll see from there. I feel real hopeful like things are falling into place. Maybe that's just because I finally feel like we have "something" that might work. And the anticipation builds!

Clomid Day 2

Just thought I'd give a little update on the clomid here. I don't really know what to expect with it, but I'm the kind of person who thinks that recording things can never hurt. :) I feel very emotional today and ready to cry at anything. I'm not sure if that's a result of the drug, or just that I feel very overtired and like I can't get enough sleep these days. I also had a wicked headache earlier today. I NEVER get headaches. Occasionally I get a small one coinciding with my period, so it could have been that... but this was pretty bad. I had to lie down and just wanted it to be dark. Well, I guess I can hope it is all working!

I had a really good time at church today. Dan spoke about Ruth and Boaz. I want to be like Ruth, who in the midst of her suffering and losing everything, still had faith in God. And God aligned things to work out perfectly for her.

I'd like to have the elders in the church (and their wives) pray for us. My dad suggested doing anointing with oil. I don't know if I believe in that... but some support and prayer wouldn't hurt at all. I used to have faith in healing in these types of situations, but I'm not sure what I think now. It gave me some hope today to realize that every woman in the Bible who was barren and prayed for a baby got one. I honestly feel like it's just in God's timing. And like we'll have a great story to tell of God's faithfulness.

Picking Berries

Well today was strawberry picking day! I feel like I always ALMOST miss the season and so this year I wanted to be ahead of the ball. I actually called farms about a month ago, but due to the cold weather this year the berries were not ready yet. But today they were. My mom and I left early to avoid the rush and in just over an hour picked as many as we needed! I had planned to deal with them tomorrow and spend today focusing on my final paper (which I NEED to get done), but they were quite ripe and once I had washed them, I decided I might as well just make jam today. And jam making lead to pie making... Let's just say, it ended up being a FULL day of work in the kitchen. I'm glad it's done though, but now it's the end of the day and I am tired and didn't get nearly as much done as I would have like to on my paper. But there's always tomorrow!

Oh, and in other news, I started clomid today. So that's that. I don't feel any different yet, but I'm kind of scared of side effects and worrying every little symptom to death. The only thing I have felt today is a bit dizzy and out of it. But I think that may also be due to the lack of sleep/too much work/stress/busyness of the last few weeks. *Breathe* Time to settle and relax and let this body become a sanctuary ready to host another living being!

And so it begins...

So I started my period today... which means that in 3 days I start the clomid cycle. I already feel stressed out and like a basket-case with everything going on that I am a bit worried about how I’ll react (most worried for my poor DH and him having to put up with me). I hear that it can make you pretty hormonal and mood swingy and emotional and…you get the picture. Oh well! I am slightly concerned because hubby has not yet had his dr. appointment. It was supposed to be for tomorrow but the dr. had to change the date to next week. So, we will start off on this (expensive) medicine without knowing if there is something wrong on his end that needs to be dealt with first. Oh well. C’est la vie! For now, I just keep doing whatever I can to help this process and that gives me sanity in this life.

The more I think about it, the more I am stumped completely. Why are we infertile? Why are so many women and couples facing infertility? What has happened in our culture? Is it diet and nutrition? Is it the chemicals that surround us all the time? And would it make a difference to actually eliminate those things that could be impeding, or is it too late? I wonder if we drastically changed out diet (no sugar, cut out all processed foods, hormone-free/organic meat and dairy), would that affect things? I guess right now I don’t believe it would. I feel like if there is something wrong, it is bigger than us. And so, I’ll keep spinning my wheels doing what I can to try to make a difference. 5 years is pretty weird though. If it hasn’t happened now, will it ever? We haven’t been given the closed door, and that makes it even more mysterious. If we knew what was wrong, we could move on from there. But we don’t. And that is the worst part.

I had a major meltdown last night. I saw some recent photos of myself and felt soooo fat and ugly. I don’t understand why I have been trying SO hard to workout hard and lose weight, but I have not. Maybe I have more stamina/strength, but I feel even bigger than I did before! It is so frustrating. I know I don’t eat the best, but I don’t want to have to count all my calories and resist enjoying good food. I just want to be free to enjoy life…

Then there is the issue of our house. Money is going to be quite tight for the next couple months without students. We just got more bills we weren’t aware of. Our credit cards are pretty high. And then there is my student loan I have to start paying off soon. It’s a lot to worry about. We had a talk about it last night. We love our house. But we bought this house with the intention of having a family in it. With just the two of us and a dog, it is too big. Too much waste (energy, heat, water). Too much space. Too much cleaning. We don’t like living with students, but it is a necessity to keep up this large house. We really like the house. We just thought things would be different… I guess that’s the key. There is so much we thought would be different…