Well earlier today I thought I had something great to write, but now its the end of the day and I am tired and forget all that I was thinking earlier. My aunt is in town visiting right now. I have been eagerly looking forward to her coming. She is such a warm, genuine person and in the past I have been able to share with her about struggles I have had. I would love to be able to talk to her and maybe release some of the things I have been holding onto.
Right now, I guess the biggest thing I am feeling is lack of motivation. Sure I'm doing things and getting through my days and even planning (somewhat) for the future. But I am not really looking forward to the future. And I'm the kind of person who ALWAYS has to be looking forward to something in order to be happy. Without the anticipation of something, it is not as fun for me. So, when I don't have that "thing" to look forward to, well, I end up depressed. I was thinking that lately I have had some signs of depression. Tired all the time, sluggish, lack of motivation, not wanting to engage socially, gaining weight... but a lot of that could be a combination of the clomid and the whole process of this. As for the clomid, I can't tell what is effects of it, and what is just general feeling "down". I have had a few "hot flashes" at night - not to the point of breaking out in a sweat, but feeling like I just HAVE to get out of the sheets and get some fresh air.
I'm also feeling a bit lost socially right now. I am finding myself pulling away from my good friend J, for no reason. Maybe it's because she's starting to show (she's about 14 weeks pregnant). It's nothing that she does or says, but maybe it's a bit of self-preservation because I know what is coming. I guess that I don't have any friends who ask me about this, and how I am doing. I want someone to care and be concerned and check up on me. And even my DH does not do that all the time, because he probably knows he'll have to spend the night consoling me and cheering me up again. But I really, really want someone to care! I have a few friends who live elsewhere and they check up sometimes, but they're not physically here. I guess I really feel alone. I can get through the bad moments, but sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just want the freedom to cry. And I want someone to console me. Is that too much to ask?
You're not alone in feeling like pulling away from a pregnant friend. Last year I went through a similar situation. Unfortunately, it did not end happily. I am no longer friends with the pregnant woman. It sucks being alone while going through all of this. My BFF's live 300 miles away and I really don't have any close friends where I am. I too felt like no one really cared.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. It's this stupid disease that isolates us. So feel free to cry. Cry on my virtual shoulder. If I could I would be there for you, but fear not, I will be checking on you...just keep posting blogs and I will keep checking!
Take care....keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Thanks for the support! It's so great to know I'm not alone in this. And you have enough to worry about yourself.. don't feel the pressure to keep checking in on me. :) Just having this space is a huge sense of relief for me. I really, really appreciate your story and thank you for sharing all that you've been through too!
ReplyDeleteI have this need to check on my Fellow IFers. Without their support I wouldn't have gotten through all my ups and downs. I need to keep supporting my community..and you are part of that community.keeping you in my thoughts...
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