So I started my period today... which means that in 3 days I start the clomid cycle. I already feel stressed out and like a basket-case with everything going on that I am a bit worried about how I’ll react (most worried for my poor DH and him having to put up with me). I hear that it can make you pretty hormonal and mood swingy and emotional and…you get the picture. Oh well! I am slightly concerned because hubby has not yet had his dr. appointment. It was supposed to be for tomorrow but the dr. had to change the date to next week. So, we will start off on this (expensive) medicine without knowing if there is something wrong on his end that needs to be dealt with first. Oh well. C’est la vie! For now, I just keep doing whatever I can to help this process and that gives me sanity in this life.
The more I think about it, the more I am stumped completely. Why are we infertile? Why are so many women and couples facing infertility? What has happened in our culture? Is it diet and nutrition? Is it the chemicals that surround us all the time? And would it make a difference to actually eliminate those things that could be impeding, or is it too late? I wonder if we drastically changed out diet (no sugar, cut out all processed foods, hormone-free/organic meat and dairy), would that affect things? I guess right now I don’t believe it would. I feel like if there is something wrong, it is bigger than us. And so, I’ll keep spinning my wheels doing what I can to try to make a difference. 5 years is pretty weird though. If it hasn’t happened now, will it ever? We haven’t been given the closed door, and that makes it even more mysterious. If we knew what was wrong, we could move on from there. But we don’t. And that is the worst part.
I had a major meltdown last night. I saw some recent photos of myself and felt soooo fat and ugly. I don’t understand why I have been trying SO hard to workout hard and lose weight, but I have not. Maybe I have more stamina/strength, but I feel even bigger than I did before! It is so frustrating. I know I don’t eat the best, but I don’t want to have to count all my calories and resist enjoying good food. I just want to be free to enjoy life…
Then there is the issue of our house. Money is going to be quite tight for the next couple months without students. We just got more bills we weren’t aware of. Our credit cards are pretty high. And then there is my student loan I have to start paying off soon. It’s a lot to worry about. We had a talk about it last night. We love our house. But we bought this house with the intention of having a family in it. With just the two of us and a dog, it is too big. Too much waste (energy, heat, water). Too much space. Too much cleaning. We don’t like living with students, but it is a necessity to keep up this large house. We really like the house. We just thought things would be different… I guess that’s the key. There is so much we thought would be different…
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