I really don’t know how I am holding it together these days. Honestly, I think I am just going to break down altogether soon. Somehow, though, I am holding my head pretty high right now, and I just don’t get it. (Mind you, I am writing this at work and nearly lost it after a phone call from a ridiculous human being…anyways!)
We are having some friends over for a potluck this week and I wanted to invite this couple whom we haven’t seen for a while. The thing is, I am aware that they are struggling with infertility too (I haven’t talked to the girl about it, but DH heard it from the guy). And at this party I have invited two couples with babies, and one who is expecting. So I had the foresight to consider not inviting the IF couple out of courtesy because I know how hard it can be. But here’s the thing: why should I be worrying about this?!? I shouldn’t! It is not my responsibility to make sure everyone else is okay. I AM NOT OKAY!
I’m also feeling a little dreary inside. Yes, I still really, really want to become pregnant. But it’s kind of become a lackluster endeavor. Remember how I said yesterday that my favorite thing is the anticipation of things? Well it feels like if I get pregnant now, I won’t have that anticipation in the same way. I won’t have the joy of finding out by surprise that my AF is late. I won’t have the fun of posting cryptic comments on Facebook and watching people’s responses (I don’t even want to post anything about my pregnancy on FB). I don’t think I would even be excited about having a baby shower or any other types of parties (what’s the point anyways apart from getting free stuff – most of which I probably don’t even want). An ultrasound would be more of a worry that everything is okay, rather than an exciting time to see the baby in action. None of the things that I looked forward to in having a baby will happen the way I wished. Yes, I still want a baby. I am just mourning the process that I am missing out on.
And I just feel like I need a really good cry right about now!
Just let it out....cry...it will eventually make you feel better, at least it worked for me. IF takes so many things from us. It robs us of normalcy. It robs our spontaneous excitement over a missed period or a positive HPT. Simply because we're so in tune with our bodies and cycles there are no surprises.
ReplyDeleteSo let it out...keep writing. It will help. And you asked about gaining followers...try participating in ICLW(international comment leaving week). It will help bring readers to your blog and introduce you to a bunch of new bloggers!
Hang in there...you're not alone!!
Thanks! How do I participate in ICLW? I'm not sure if I'd rather keep this blog more among the IF community... but I would love to make more connections and help support others too.
ReplyDeleteI think it's done through stirrup queens blog...it's mostly IF bloggers. I myself have never participated because I'm lazy...but I know I've gotten to more blogs through other people who do participate...
ReplyDelete