So I went to visit a friend and her baby that was born today! I can't actually recall if I have ever met a real day-old baby like that before (I'm sure I have, just none that were that significant). Earlier today I was kicking myself, wondering why I had suggested to visit someone with a brand new baby... but somehow I really didn't mind. I even held the baby! I think I had been given some supernatural strength or something to not let this affect me. We had planned to bring over some meals and food so I had a purpose and that made it easier. Also, this is their 4th kid and they are so casual about things that it didn't feel like she was flaunting anything at me.
I came to a conclusion today (that may change as time continues to go on) that it's not just a kid I want. I keep thinking about adoption and I don't necessarily want adoption. I want the process of creating something together. The same way I want to plant a garden and watch it grow. The same way I wanted to buy a house and furnish it with love. I want to create a baby and lavish it with love and watch it grow. My thought is not fully formed right now, but the point is that it is the process I want and love so much. I love drinking tea because of the process of boiling the water and steeping the tea and putting in cream and sugar. I love listening to vinyl because of choosing a record, and using a record player, and sitting engulfed in sound. I love making espresso because of the grinding and tamping and steaming and pouring. And I wanted a baby to be a fun and magical process. Once you start bringing in all these other "methods" something is lost. And the part that is lost if one of the most important parts to me.
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