2nd OB Visit

Rather than writing a 15 week update (which I am 2 days away from), I thought I'd write about our 2nd OB visit we just had.  Once again it was uneventful, which is a great thing!  I didn't have too many questions.  He talked about anemia in pregnancy, and touched on some things we may need to be aware of for labor and delivery.  Then he took my blood pressure, measured me, and listened for the babies!

Hearts are beating away nice and strong!  Once again, Baby A was a little bit faster, at 162bpm.  Baby B was a little more chill at 156bpm.  You could hear the differences between the heartbeats and he said there definitely were 2 babies in there.  I am measuring at 23cm, which is up a little bit from last week (I think I was 21cm then).  He said it was right on track, so I'm not worried.  My blood pressure was 110/70, which also is great.  I was given a requisition for an ultrasound in 4 weeks, and that was it.  Hooray!

There was a little bit of drama around having midwife care.  He started our visit with this, and was pretty firm (almost a jerk about it).  Contradictory to what the midwives said, he flat out told us he does not do shared care with midwives.  Then he went on a very bitter sounding rant about the redundancy in care, and how if there are any concerns, he would trump the advice of the midwives anyways.  He was pretty adamant about us not having them.  He did mention having supportive care towards the 3rd trimester if we really wanted.  I held my ground and told him that we are 100% okay with him being our primary caregiver, but we want to use the support services that the midwives offer, especially during and after birth.  When DH and I talked about it later, DH said it was kind of weird how strong a reaction he had.  We also don't understand why he is the OB at the clinic we have to see when he already knows he won't be there for our birth.  We decided not to press it though.  DH said he feels like we are being tossed around by the medical system a bit, but oh well.  I guess I have to call the midwives now and break the news to them.  It's just kind of stupid I think. 

He also basically told us that we should expect to either have a c-section, or that we will need an epidural to give birth by labour.  He said that even if the first baby is headfirst (I forget the terms for that), it is likely that the other baby will not be positioned correctly and they will have to reach in and turn the baby around.  He said that we will definitely need an epidural for that.  And if the first baby is breech, we automatically schedule a c-section.  Sigh.  Pretty much dashed my hopes for a natural labour.  I'll do more reading on it, because I know it is possible, and if I had the choice, I would love to have a natural labour for both babies.  I just don't feel like fighting much at this point.  We've been through so much to get to this point.  I just want these babies to come safely and soundly when they are due and I don't particularly care how we get to that point. 

So, that's about it.  Nothing much has changed symptom wise, except my ever growing belly!  I dreamed last night that DH was shocked and worried that I reached 200lbs, and I was super defensive about it.  We chuckled about it, but I warned him that is probably not too much off course.  Really, I don't care.  If it helps these babies grow big and strong, I will be happy!  I am trying to make more of an effort to get in shape this trimester more.  I plan to swim once a week, and try doing yoga at home more, in addition to my almost-daily walk.  I am happy with that. 

Oh, and I never wrote about our announcement at church!  It went well.  DH did share briefly about our struggle with infertility, and then told everyone that we are pregnant and expecting twins.  There was an audible gasp and excitement in the room!  I got a million hugs afterwards.  It was a bit overwhelming and I was exhausted after it all, but it was fine.  There were no awkward questions, or unwanted advice given at this point.  Actually DH had a conversation with a lady who was like, "It seems there are more and more twins being born these days.  I wonder why that is?"  DH said that in his head he was thinking, "It's because 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and can't have kids!" but he just smiled and nodded.   Good for him! 

Okay, that's enough rambling around for now.  I'm updating some bump pictures today too!  After this I'll hopefully be more organized and just update every 2nd week... but we'll see! 

Intimacy in Pregnancy

I've been thinking a bit about intimacy during pregnancy after infertility.  Previously, I touched on the subject of sex after infertility.  This is a little bit different. (Be prepared for some full disclosure here...).  Also, this is a bit of a gushy post about the hopes and joys of being pregnant, so if you're not in a place to read something like this, please skip it for now.

I had a conversation with DH yesterday because I was feeling upset that we haven't had sex much during this pregnancy.  At the beginning we were worried and didn't want to "disturb" anything that was going on in there (I know, it's all psychological).  Then I was uncomfortable and felt nauseous most of the time...  not in the mood.  Then I was away for 3 weeks.  Since I've been back though, something has shifted.  We just don't feel like doing it.  For both of us, the desire is just not there.  Naturally, this worried me.  I asked DH if it was because my body was changing (which I knew was not his reason).  He replied no (and that pregnancy suits me and I am cute as a button).  I asked if he was scared, because that is something you commonly hear from men.  He said a little bit, but that wasn't it either.  Then he said something that just melted my heart.  He said to me, "We've been trying for this for so long.  Can't we just enjoy the time we have now and not worry about what we should, or should not be doing?  These babies are so precious to me.  I just want to focus my attention on them."

Wow! What a guy, hey?

As I thought about it more, I came to a realization.  Rather than our intimacy being directed towards one another, we are starting to pour out that love to our little babies.  Our most intimate moments now consist of choosing which facial features of each others we hope our children will have, of planning how we will decorate the special space we will live together in, of talking and dreaming of future holidays and activities we will do as a family.  We've really just added in two little life beings into our intimate relationship.  I think that is the way family is.  It doesn't leave either of us out in the dust... it takes all the love and affection we have for one another and multiplies it as more are brought in.  I guess I realized I don't have to be jealous for DH's affection, or be worried that our intimacy will diminish.  I think this allows us to grow our intimacy in a different way than we have yet experienced.  I am excited for that (though it's not too much to hope that the libido picks up a little bit now that we're in the second trimester...wink wink!).

Settling into pregnancy?

So I'm 14 weeks pregnant!  And I can't say I feel fully "settled" into being pregnant yet.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that physically and emotionally I am miles apart.  Physically, I am 14 weeks pregnant in a twin pregnancy.  I've had the nausea, the heartburn, the fatigue... I've even started farting and snoring in my sleep (something I've never done before).  I definitely look pregnant.  Physically I am getting a handle on this being pregnant business.  I know what times of day I have the most energy.  I am learning how much or little to eat so that I don't feel sick all of the time.  I know how much my body can handle before I am just done for the day. 

My emotional preparedness for this pregnancy, however, is on an entirely different playing field.  Even though I am clearly showing, I find myself trying to cover up most of the time.  Partially it could be because we haven't gone fully "public" with the news yet; but even when I'm around people I don't know, I feel self-conscious about it.  I had the first person congratulate me yesterday without me saying anything about being pregnant.  I was mixed, feeling both happy and slightly uncomfortable.  Maybe this is survivor's guilt?  So far, most of the people who have found out (apart from the close friends we told right away) have been people who don't know us, or what we have been through.  When they find out, they treat us just like they would any other pregnant couple.  But we're not just another pregnant couple!  I find myself smiling, and laughing and answering their questions just as someone "normally" would, but then when I think about the conversation later, I feel guilty.  I don't know why.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I didn't misrepresent infertility by talking about being pregnant.  It's just that there's so much unsaid...  there is so much we've been through to get to this point... and I can't sum that up and let people know how I really am feeling inside.  So I smile and nod and answer their questions.  

There are some moments when I do feel just like a "regular" pregnant person.  There are moments I don't think about infertility and I just think about being pregnant right now.  And I like it.  But I am also ever conscious of losing touch with this part of me, this part of this community, this thing called infertility.  I feel muddled in the midst of it all.

I guess that's why I am apprehensive about tomorrow ("the" announcement).  I don't think I want all the attention.  That's why I went off Facebook.  That's why we are not doing anything grand to announce to the world... just a simple announcement at church.  But like it or not, we will get attention.  We were talking about it today, and realized that we check of most of the boxes for getting attention when pregnant: interracial couple, been married more than 5 years, leaders of a large group of people (church), having our first child, AND having twins.  I think there is going to be a lot of smiling on the outside tomorrow. 

I'll let you know what really goes on on the inside later...

14 Weeks (and babies update)!

*As you can probably guess from the title, this is a pregnancy post.  Feel free to skip on over if you're not interested in daily details of being pregnant.*

I'm back from Australia and we've reached 14 weeks today!  It doesn't feel like much of a milestone, as I am holding out for the big 24 week one, which is still so far away.  However, we went for a midwife appointment today, so I wanted to update on where things are at.  I wasn't supposed to see the midwives for 2 more weeks, but I couldn't get into my OB till next week, and I just felt nervous after coming back from my trip.  I wanted to make sure everything was in order, especially because we are planning to "tell" our big news this weekend (more on that later).

Officially we are in the second trimester.  Hooray!!!  Here are some updates:

Nausea: Up until a few days ago, I wasn't feeling any relief from the nausea/discomfort that comes with first trimester, but the last 2 days have been noticeably better.  I'm hoping this trend continues. 

Eating: I am still eating smaller portions more frequently throughout the day, but this week my appetite has slightly decreased.  When I eat too much through the day (especially at dinner), I feel gross and bloated all night and have some heartburn (more like everything is pushing pressure at the top of my diaphragm.. wearing a bra is a nightmare!).  As for cravings, still loving ice cold drinks (slurpees are my downfall) and juicy fruit (I've eaten more watermelon in the past week than you could imagine!)

Fatigue: Well I made it through 2 days of work this week, so that was an achievement (though I was DONE at 8pm last night).  Exercising is still tough.  I try to go for a walk every day, but it's like my stomach bloats more when I walk, and then I usually have to pee like crazy part way through.  By the end, I am exhausted!  I'm going to have to find a better solution.

Body: I've had some lower back pain, particularly after walking.  I've had a bit of pain near my right ovary - just a dull throb that comes and goes.  The midwife said it was likely just my tubes shifting around, or round ligament pain.  It's not intense enough to worry about at this point.  My boobs have  settled down a bit.  They are less painful and may have taken a break from growing.  Overall, I think I have gained about 15 pounds since starting clomid.  It feels like a lot, but is okay and on track for a twin pregnancy.

Belly: It is HUGE!  Okay, not that huge, but definitely noticeable.  At my appointment, the midwife measured my uterus and I am measuring 19 weeks!  Hooray!!!  She said this is right on track for a twin pregnancy.  I knew I felt like I was growing like crazy.  Today I received my first "Congratulations" after someone looked at my belly.  I hadn't even said a word.  It made me smile (though since the news is not fully public, it took me aback a bit too).

Mood: Since I came home, I have been slightly more cranky, but I blame that on jetlag, and adjusting back to schedule here.  I have moments of feeling super teary, but haven't cried like crazy at the drop of a hat yet (I feel sure that will come sometime).

Lastly, today at the appointment we heard the heartbeats!  That is right... heartbeats!!!  Both babies were beating away strongly.  One was louder and slightly faster than the other.  While she was listening to it, it moved around and then the heart started to beat faster.  It was the cutest thing!  There was definitely a difference between the two that you could tell them apart.  I definitely cried.  I really just needed reassurance that they were both there.  And they are!

This means that we will go ahead and tell people this weekend.  It's not like I can really hide it anyways right now.  I told my work colleagues this week (wasn't much fanfare).  The big thing will be announcing it at church on Sunday.  Since my hubby is a pastor there, we will likely do some sort of announcement so that everyone knows!  Eeek!  It is exciting, but a bit overwhelming at the same time.  I'm not sure how I will react to all the reactions we get.  I have more thoughts on this, but I'll write separately on that later.  So, that's where we are at today.  Now, off to celebrate with some ice cream and fresh strawberries.  That's right... I feel perfectly alright to indulge!

A Year

It was a year ago to the day that I started bleeding with the miscarriage from our first pregnancy.  One year ago.  I remember feeling angry, lost, hurt, hopeless, and not knowing where to turn. The year was filled with so many questions, such searching, hurt feelings, and more anger and bitterness as my husband and I tried to make sense of all we were going through.

A year later, and I am 13 weeks pregnant with twins.  I. Am. Pregnant.

I don't have answers to all the questions.  I still am working through the feelings of all we have gone through these past 6 years.  But what I do know, and what I want to share, is that there is always hope.  Even in the times that seem so dark, and when it seems like there is nowhere else to turn, hope is there.  You may need to borrow hope from someone else for a while, but it will come back.  It's like, as humans, we don't have an option but to choose hope.  We need hope in order to survive.  And at the end of the day, you never know what a year may bring.

Today I am celebrating.  I am home from Australia, on a mini-vacation with my husband, my dog, and my two little ragamuffins, cooking away inside of me.  Thank you Lord, for this special time.  May I treasure every moment.

12 Weeks!!!!! Happy dance!!!!

I just wanted to give a quick little update to mention that I have officially reached 12 WEEKS!!!!  This was a huge milestone in my mind (partially because I miscarried around 12 weeks last time). As far as I know the little babies are doing fine.  My belly is growing and I have on and off symptoms, but they aren't keeping me from enjoying my vacation (besides my 9pm bedtime every night...fortunately my sister has a 7 month old so it's not like we would be out partying anyways).  I'm currently staying in a gorgeous beach side resort near Cairns, Australia so I'm going to enjoy my time by the pool, and sipping on chilled lemon lime bitters (my new favourite non-alcoholic Australian drink).  I'll be sure to update lots more once I'm home again, with pictures, of course!