2nd OB Visit

Rather than writing a 15 week update (which I am 2 days away from), I thought I'd write about our 2nd OB visit we just had.  Once again it was uneventful, which is a great thing!  I didn't have too many questions.  He talked about anemia in pregnancy, and touched on some things we may need to be aware of for labor and delivery.  Then he took my blood pressure, measured me, and listened for the babies!

Hearts are beating away nice and strong!  Once again, Baby A was a little bit faster, at 162bpm.  Baby B was a little more chill at 156bpm.  You could hear the differences between the heartbeats and he said there definitely were 2 babies in there.  I am measuring at 23cm, which is up a little bit from last week (I think I was 21cm then).  He said it was right on track, so I'm not worried.  My blood pressure was 110/70, which also is great.  I was given a requisition for an ultrasound in 4 weeks, and that was it.  Hooray!

There was a little bit of drama around having midwife care.  He started our visit with this, and was pretty firm (almost a jerk about it).  Contradictory to what the midwives said, he flat out told us he does not do shared care with midwives.  Then he went on a very bitter sounding rant about the redundancy in care, and how if there are any concerns, he would trump the advice of the midwives anyways.  He was pretty adamant about us not having them.  He did mention having supportive care towards the 3rd trimester if we really wanted.  I held my ground and told him that we are 100% okay with him being our primary caregiver, but we want to use the support services that the midwives offer, especially during and after birth.  When DH and I talked about it later, DH said it was kind of weird how strong a reaction he had.  We also don't understand why he is the OB at the clinic we have to see when he already knows he won't be there for our birth.  We decided not to press it though.  DH said he feels like we are being tossed around by the medical system a bit, but oh well.  I guess I have to call the midwives now and break the news to them.  It's just kind of stupid I think. 

He also basically told us that we should expect to either have a c-section, or that we will need an epidural to give birth by labour.  He said that even if the first baby is headfirst (I forget the terms for that), it is likely that the other baby will not be positioned correctly and they will have to reach in and turn the baby around.  He said that we will definitely need an epidural for that.  And if the first baby is breech, we automatically schedule a c-section.  Sigh.  Pretty much dashed my hopes for a natural labour.  I'll do more reading on it, because I know it is possible, and if I had the choice, I would love to have a natural labour for both babies.  I just don't feel like fighting much at this point.  We've been through so much to get to this point.  I just want these babies to come safely and soundly when they are due and I don't particularly care how we get to that point. 

So, that's about it.  Nothing much has changed symptom wise, except my ever growing belly!  I dreamed last night that DH was shocked and worried that I reached 200lbs, and I was super defensive about it.  We chuckled about it, but I warned him that is probably not too much off course.  Really, I don't care.  If it helps these babies grow big and strong, I will be happy!  I am trying to make more of an effort to get in shape this trimester more.  I plan to swim once a week, and try doing yoga at home more, in addition to my almost-daily walk.  I am happy with that. 

Oh, and I never wrote about our announcement at church!  It went well.  DH did share briefly about our struggle with infertility, and then told everyone that we are pregnant and expecting twins.  There was an audible gasp and excitement in the room!  I got a million hugs afterwards.  It was a bit overwhelming and I was exhausted after it all, but it was fine.  There were no awkward questions, or unwanted advice given at this point.  Actually DH had a conversation with a lady who was like, "It seems there are more and more twins being born these days.  I wonder why that is?"  DH said that in his head he was thinking, "It's because 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and can't have kids!" but he just smiled and nodded.   Good for him! 

Okay, that's enough rambling around for now.  I'm updating some bump pictures today too!  After this I'll hopefully be more organized and just update every 2nd week... but we'll see! 

Doing alright

I just wanted to follow that last post with a note that today things are much better!  There are still unresolved "issues" but we are doing okay and I hope that things will continue to get better.  I think that money is a big stress right now (and why DH is planning to buy a custom built guitar when we are in debt and trying to save and he is stressed I don't know... plus I only found that out by snooping on his email, I know, I'm so bad!).  Also DH told me yesterday that he doesn't know if he wants to continue on and do IUI again.  Well buddy, you have one week to change your mind!  AF is scheduled to come by soon and I want to be ready to go at it right away.  However, if he's not ready, I'm not too sure what I can do...

Overall I am feeling SO much better!  My moods and emotions have leveled out finally.  I think I have lost a ton of weight.  It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself.  (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future).  I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better.  We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again.  I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again.  It is so nice to feel normal again!  


BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?"  We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display.  But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it.  There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY!   It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't.  Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all.  Any other thoughts?

Sex, money, kids and... weight gain?

There are a few topics that I find it hard to write about, despite my openness about so much of my body's inner workings.  Sex, money and weight gain are some of those topics (well, money not so much but we'll attack it anyways).  However, after reading quite a few posts about weight gain and sex (most recently an incredibly honest post by Jill at Infertility Unexplained and Alissa at MissConception), I thought I would put some thoughts down.  One of the main reasons I use my blog as an outlet is so that others who are sharing the same struggles may find comfort in knowing they're not alone.   Hopefully this is one of those posts (and I didn't realize how much I had to rant about here, so I'm sorry for the length).

Sex

This may be a shocker for some, but I was one of those girls who waited until I was married to have sex.  Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to commit to abstinence.  It wasn't so hard, considering I lived in a small town and was a church girl.  In college, I met the love of my life and we got married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night.  Sex was good.  Since we did not have others to compare ourselves with, it was fun, and felt free, and exhilarating.  Those feelings carried on when we went off birth control and started TTC.  Somewhere along the line though, the excitement was replaced by another feeling...  I don't want to say the word "dread" but it was almost like that... a feeling like what this was supposed to be, wasn't really what it was actually being.

People say that infertility ruins sex.  I'm not sure if it is just infertility, or if there are other issues in our marriage that make sex less than it should be, but I know that infertility definitely plays a role.

Even when we have sex "for fun," knowing that we are outside of our "fertile" period, there is less connection, less intimacy, less fun.  I think sex was designed for both pleasure and procreation.  If you lose the ability to procreate, it feels like sex has lost some of its purpose.  Along with infertility, your sex life becomes public, and no longer a private, intimate affair.  I must say, I am pretty private about my sex life, but DH is, by far, 10,000 times more private than me.  Giving samples, meeting doctors, talking about his "performance" - that is all wayyyyy over his line of comfort.  I'm not sure, but this may have caused him to close off slightly when it comes to actually having sex now (that's something I haven't thought of before and will put mre thought into).  And then there's the emotional part.  I definitely don't think DH and I have reached a place of peace about what is happening to us.  We each have our own personal struggles with it, and we have our struggles as a couple.  For the most part, though, we can close off that section of our emotions/brains that this affects and get on with regular life.  But sex... sex opens wide those doors and reminds us once again of what we are going through.  It's hard to enjoy sex when all it does is remind you of what it is not achieving.  

Money


Infertility and money is just a bitter issue for me.  I don't see how it is fair that women who CAN'T HAVE BABIES have to pay exorbitant amounts of money for treatments to have a kid.  I also don't understand why adoption is so darn expensive!  I saw an ad yesterday that brought light to the fact that it is cheaper to abort a baby than to adopt one.  WTF?!?!  Now we haven't actually had to pay very much yet, so I really can't complain, but when I read blogs of other women who have drained themselves in this endeavor, it just irks me.   People say that sex, money and kids are the biggest killers of marriage (sources of conflict).  I think that us infertiles get whacked with all three at once.


Weight


And now... don't get me started on this one!  I don't think I have EVER been as frustrated with my weight as I am right now.  So here's a quick recap.  I never once thought about weight as a kid.  I was average... put on a few pounds in high school and after graduating became conscious of my weight and started exercising.  In college I was quite in shape.  I was fairly petite and exercised daily.  I didn't put on the freshman 10lb gain, but I did start to fill out in the hips, etc.  Then I got married.  With marriage comes the obligatory 5lb gain.  I have always highly valued exercise.  I feel so much better when I am exercising.  I love the feeling after a good run or workout.  But my body is not the strongest.  And, like my mom, I tend to get sick if I overdo it or workout too hard.  Still, I tried hard and felt pretty good about my weight and body shape.

Fast forward to 5 years of TTC, 6 rounds of clomid, one IUI, a pregnancy with miscarriage... and here I am today, weighing more than I have EVER weighed in my life!  I think it is a combination of hormones whacked out by drugs, fertility drug bloating/water retention, comfort foods for those bad days, and lack of motivation to exercise on other days.  Fortunately, the one thing I have going for me is fairly good muscle tone.  Apart from my ever-expanding hips and butt, I am fairly toned in my muscle.  Still!  I recently pulled out my summer clothes from last year.  Last year I was larger than I had ever been and had to buy a whole new wardrobe for summer.  This year I couldn't even get my legs into some of the shorts.  It's weird though, because other pieces of clothing fit me just fine, and I even fit into a shirt I couldn't wear last year.  I think it honestly is my hips that have expanded and widened over this past year.

Now I'm NOT a dieter.  I just can't do it.  I love eating way too much.  I just can't give up some foods.  I try to do the "everything in moderation" deal, but even when I think I'm doing it, I still end up overeating on sweets and carbs.  I still exercise and I've been in a good routine.  But I have to do quite a bit in order just to maintain my weight, so losing is real tough.  Also I just haven't had all my energy back since the miscarriage.  So even when I want to exercise, I sometimes can't.  It's so maddening!

So right now, this is the most frustrating thing of all!  I look at my friend J, who had a baby in January, and who looks like she is right back to her pre-pregnancy weight, toned arms and everything, and I am insanely jealous!  I am roughly 15-20lbs over my ideal weight, and I do not have a baby or anything to show for it.  I am bitter and mad and frustrated.  DH and I are making an effort over the summer to get in shape.  Without our student here we are able to cook what we want.  We're planning to go on a juicing diet for a while (just drinking vegetable juice for dinner some nights), and I'm continuing on with my berry/green smoothies for breakfast.  The biggest thing I need to work on is giving up sugar.  That will be hard!

Whew!

I guess I had way more to say than I realized.  I still feel like I could go on, but I will stop it there for your sake (and maybe do a part 2 once I've had time to settle).  I realize this is one huge rant, but I guess that is what I needed today too.  These clearly are some of the most annoying side effects of infertility.  Boo!

On a lighter note, I decided to search infertility in Pinterest, and found an image I thought I'd share.