Doing alright

I just wanted to follow that last post with a note that today things are much better!  There are still unresolved "issues" but we are doing okay and I hope that things will continue to get better.  I think that money is a big stress right now (and why DH is planning to buy a custom built guitar when we are in debt and trying to save and he is stressed I don't know... plus I only found that out by snooping on his email, I know, I'm so bad!).  Also DH told me yesterday that he doesn't know if he wants to continue on and do IUI again.  Well buddy, you have one week to change your mind!  AF is scheduled to come by soon and I want to be ready to go at it right away.  However, if he's not ready, I'm not too sure what I can do...

Overall I am feeling SO much better!  My moods and emotions have leveled out finally.  I think I have lost a ton of weight.  It might just be bloat from the pregnancy and drugs, but whatever it is, I feel WAY better about myself.  (I'm kind of dreading going back on the drugs in the future).  I have a tan too and that always helps you look/feel better.  We are eating healthy and I am exercising regularly again.  I have energy to get through most of the day (a few kicks of caffeine always help) and I'm finally feeling social again.  It is so nice to feel normal again!  


BTW, did anyone see that movie "Friends with Kids?"  We watched it last night and the preview made it look like it was a great movie for infertiles who have to put up with all the crap that people with kids display.  But I was pretty disappointed upon watching it.  There were some great, funny parts BUT the two friends friggin' decides to have sex with one another and share their baby 50%... AND THEY GET PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY!   It was supposed to kind draw attention to the fact that raising a baby IS hard, and those who think they can have it all (happy marriage, good kids, peaceful life)... can't.  Overall though, I was just quite offended by it all.  Any other thoughts?

Disappointment with God

Well AF, you can show up any day now.  I'd like to get this show on the road.

Okay, quick funny story.  So DH is pretty oblivious to the world of girls.  He grew up with only a brother, in a Korean home so many of the common North American experiences were lacking.  I don't even know how the subject came up, but he didn't know what AF stood for, and so I told him.  Ever since then, he thinks it is so funny to ask me if Aunt Flo has come for a visit yet.  Well, the other day we had some people over downstairs and he came up to get something.  When he saw me, he asked (in a pretty loud voice), "Did AF show up yet?"  I quickly hushed him and started laughing while he looked at me blankly.  It turns out, he thought AF was a secret phrase that only him and I knew!  It had me laughing like crazy.  Oh silly boys!  (Shh, don't tell him I told you this... but he used to think that a tupperware party was when a bunch of ladies got together and brought food for a potluck all in tupperware containers.... oh bless his soul!).

Anyways, I've been pretty teary lately.  I just feel emotional.  Tired of waiting ALL THE TIME.  It's not even babies and that stuff that has been making me cry.  Just the run of the mill touching commercial, kiss in a TV show, anyone facing disappointment.  I've been trying to live more for today but of course this is always in the back of my mind.  I think I am feeling just worn out from it all.  Once we can take some action again, I hope I'll pick up again. 

I had a pretty incredible moment the other day.  First of all, I was really happy for how I handled P&J having their baby.  It still is not really hard for me.  He is so darn cute, and I really do want to cuddle him like crazy.  They are still our friends, and that is what was most important for me.  I was thinking about all the women in the Bible who are barren.  It's a pretty big theme throughout the Bible.  I'm actually reading a book called "Disappointment With God" and it is really cool.  It just talks about 3 questions that people in the Church are often scared to ask: Is God unfair, is God silent, and is God hidden?  I'm pretty sure I'm not the first Christian woman to feel like God is being unfair, silent in not answering my petitions, and hidden from showing me understanding for why this is happening.  And as I realized that, I suddenly felt a sense of honour.  This may sound weird, but hear me out.  I do believe God exist.  I do believe He loves me.  I do believe He knows what is going on with me and that it breaks his heart.  I do believe there will be a time when I have a family.  The fact that I am going through this struggle right now only means that He thinks I can handle it.  I guess I do believe that He won't let me go through something I can't handle.  That doesn't mean it won't break me.  But in that breaking, I will be drawn closer to Him.  Closer for comfort.  Closer for peace.  Closer for refuge. 

I've also been finding my dog a great cuddler through the tough times.  She just seems to know what I need.  Here she is resting on my lap.

And here is a picture of P&J's little baby, PJ.  Isn't he a cutie?