We're off to go camping tomorrow morning. I absolutely LOVE camping! I know I will be excited when I get there, but right now I'm just feeling tired and a bit drained. All week I've felt like I want to cry for no reason. I'm going through the same motions of life. Still exercising, trying to eat healthy, doing all the things the doctor has recommended. I've had moments of fun. But overall, I feel a bit of a cloud around me. Hopefully this weekend will refresh my body AND spirit.
Just waiting for this cycle to be over so that I can start on the clomid. Well, secretly hoping this cycle won't be over and that a little fetus would appear instead...
Oh, also forgot to mention that DH's doctor called last week and want him in to discuss his last lab results. I'm glad they called because the gyn recommended that he go see his doctor to check out the infection, but he didn't want to go. Now he has to go and is scheduled for next week. Yay! For me, the more information the better.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Lessons from Above
I've been kind of thinking lately about what sort of lessons God may be trying to teach me during this time. Okay, I haven't wanted to think about this, but the thought has crossed my mind.
Then all of a sudden today, I thought of something. When I was young (naive) and making decisions about getting married, I was so conscious and strict on the fact that I did not want to lose my identity in a man. Yes, I believe that man and wife become one, but I saw two many women who lost themselves. I don't think that's the way it was meant to be. And I realized today that the same thing happens with babies. Women lose who they are and pour all of their energy - physical, mental and emotional - into their babies. All I see on Facebook these days is women's comments about their babies...nothing about THEMSELVES! I know it's not inherently wrong, but I feel there is a different way. I always felt some sort of "call" to be a pioneer for women in ministry. I haven't thought about that for ages, but now I feel that maybe there is a different way of doing ministry/family life/career, than the only way that has been modeled to us. And maybe that is what I am needed for. To model a new way to younger (and older) women. I don't know if I'll be one of those moms who constantly talks about her children - I'm sure I will at times. But maybe this extra "time" in our journey has allowed me to develop more of who I am. And maybe that will spur me on to hold onto my own passions/gifts/dreams after having children. And maybe that is what people need to see.
Then all of a sudden today, I thought of something. When I was young (naive) and making decisions about getting married, I was so conscious and strict on the fact that I did not want to lose my identity in a man. Yes, I believe that man and wife become one, but I saw two many women who lost themselves. I don't think that's the way it was meant to be. And I realized today that the same thing happens with babies. Women lose who they are and pour all of their energy - physical, mental and emotional - into their babies. All I see on Facebook these days is women's comments about their babies...nothing about THEMSELVES! I know it's not inherently wrong, but I feel there is a different way. I always felt some sort of "call" to be a pioneer for women in ministry. I haven't thought about that for ages, but now I feel that maybe there is a different way of doing ministry/family life/career, than the only way that has been modeled to us. And maybe that is what I am needed for. To model a new way to younger (and older) women. I don't know if I'll be one of those moms who constantly talks about her children - I'm sure I will at times. But maybe this extra "time" in our journey has allowed me to develop more of who I am. And maybe that will spur me on to hold onto my own passions/gifts/dreams after having children. And maybe that is what people need to see.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Helping hands
I just had to say that spending time listening to another person always puts things into perspective. DH and I are mentoring a young couple who are dating and we met tonight for the first time. I forgot how great it is to listen to younger girls figure out life and things. I really want to do more of this. It was great and helped me forget about my problems for a little while.
Vent sesh
Okay, so I am processing my feelings this morning so I apologize if this post is a little more vent-like than normal. DH and I had an appt. at the gynecologist today to review his last lab sample and take next steps. Turns out his sperm are fine. Everything was in the normal range. The only special note was regarding some infected skin tissue they found in the sample. It could be some kind of prostate infection. So, back to the doctor he goes for more testing to make sure everything is okay there. The doctor said that this should not be inhibiting his fertility, unless it is a bigger problem. We did get a prescription to start Clomid on my next cycle and try it for a few months. I also pushed to have him refer us to the Fertility Clinic in Victoria so we can get started on the waitlist. We will consider having an IUI if we don’t get pregnant between now and then. I figure it could be a few months before we even get into there. Hopefully my schedule allows us the time we need to make the trek there and back when the need arises (see, I’m thinking way too much ahead here already!).
Right now, I am just feeling mad. Plain old mad. I am mad that we have had to go through this thing at all. I am mad that my sweet DH has had to be subjected to these tests and the questioning of his manhood again and again (I know it doesn’t actually threaten his manhood, but he still feels the burn). I am mad that we can’t talk openly about what is going on because he is still dealing with the emotions of it all (not that I blame him at all, I just wish it were more acceptable of a topic to bring up). I am mad that there is no explanation or answer as to what is wrong. All we keep hearing is, “Everything looks normal.” If everything looks normal, then WHY have we not been able to conceive for five fucking years? And most of all I am mad at people telling us, “You’re still very young. You have lots of time!” We don’t have lots of time. I want to start my career. I just invested years of my life and thousands of dollars in a MA degree. I wanted to have kids and then start into the career… not start my career and then have to put it on hold for 5-10 years while I raise a kid (or more).
I guess the meeting wasn’t all that I expected it to be. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I wanted them to tell us there was no chance of us having kids ever, and that way we could move on and be done with it. It’s kind of like the Canucks last night. We all really wanted them to win, but after it was over we just felt relieved that it was over and the verdict was done. No more time spent waiting, wondering if they could pull through or not. I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting, wanting to know what is going to happen. I’m just tired of it. At the same time, however, it’s good that there was no “bad news.” We still have a chance to have a little one of our own. The door is not closed completely. That should give me hope (though right now I don’t feel it). If it’s any consolation, DH said he was glad we went to the appointment (after fretting and dreading it so much). I’m proud of him.
So, now, again… we wait. And “keep trying.” I am thinking of going public with this blog soon. So far I have kept it private as a spot to air my own thoughts. But lately I have been following other blogs and find it so helpful to see the perspectives of other people going through the same thing. I would love to share my perspective and maybe find some more people to band with me in this journey. I think I’ll have to go through and maybe edit a few posts, get rid of names and stuff, and make sure I’m okay with anybody reading it. It’s quite scary, but I think it would be good for me. Lately I have just wanted to tell everybody what is going on, to get it out there in the open. And I think DH is even feeling ready to have some more support. The question is HOW? I’ve never even witnessed someone go through this to see how they handled it. I don’t know where to start.
Also, on a side note, I have recently been seriously considering the idea of adoption. We’ve been watching a show called “Modern Family” and there is a gay couple who adopts a little girl. I can’t say why (and this may sound funny), but I see DH and I as similar to the personalities/characters of the gay couple. And adoption seems to work very well for them. I know it’s fake and make believe… but for the first time it gave me the feeling of, “Yeah, we could do that.” So now, to wait for my other part (DH) to catch up! Hehe!
Right now, I am just feeling mad. Plain old mad. I am mad that we have had to go through this thing at all. I am mad that my sweet DH has had to be subjected to these tests and the questioning of his manhood again and again (I know it doesn’t actually threaten his manhood, but he still feels the burn). I am mad that we can’t talk openly about what is going on because he is still dealing with the emotions of it all (not that I blame him at all, I just wish it were more acceptable of a topic to bring up). I am mad that there is no explanation or answer as to what is wrong. All we keep hearing is, “Everything looks normal.” If everything looks normal, then WHY have we not been able to conceive for five fucking years? And most of all I am mad at people telling us, “You’re still very young. You have lots of time!” We don’t have lots of time. I want to start my career. I just invested years of my life and thousands of dollars in a MA degree. I wanted to have kids and then start into the career… not start my career and then have to put it on hold for 5-10 years while I raise a kid (or more).
I guess the meeting wasn’t all that I expected it to be. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I wanted them to tell us there was no chance of us having kids ever, and that way we could move on and be done with it. It’s kind of like the Canucks last night. We all really wanted them to win, but after it was over we just felt relieved that it was over and the verdict was done. No more time spent waiting, wondering if they could pull through or not. I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting, wanting to know what is going to happen. I’m just tired of it. At the same time, however, it’s good that there was no “bad news.” We still have a chance to have a little one of our own. The door is not closed completely. That should give me hope (though right now I don’t feel it). If it’s any consolation, DH said he was glad we went to the appointment (after fretting and dreading it so much). I’m proud of him.
So, now, again… we wait. And “keep trying.” I am thinking of going public with this blog soon. So far I have kept it private as a spot to air my own thoughts. But lately I have been following other blogs and find it so helpful to see the perspectives of other people going through the same thing. I would love to share my perspective and maybe find some more people to band with me in this journey. I think I’ll have to go through and maybe edit a few posts, get rid of names and stuff, and make sure I’m okay with anybody reading it. It’s quite scary, but I think it would be good for me. Lately I have just wanted to tell everybody what is going on, to get it out there in the open. And I think DH is even feeling ready to have some more support. The question is HOW? I’ve never even witnessed someone go through this to see how they handled it. I don’t know where to start.
Also, on a side note, I have recently been seriously considering the idea of adoption. We’ve been watching a show called “Modern Family” and there is a gay couple who adopts a little girl. I can’t say why (and this may sound funny), but I see DH and I as similar to the personalities/characters of the gay couple. And adoption seems to work very well for them. I know it’s fake and make believe… but for the first time it gave me the feeling of, “Yeah, we could do that.” So now, to wait for my other part (DH) to catch up! Hehe!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A win
Tonight I am down. Extremely down. The Vancouver Canucks just lost game 7 of the Stanley Cup game against the Boston Bruins. And then a huge riot broke out downtown Vancouver, full of stupid, drunk "fans" who are not fans at all. The true Vancouver fans gave the Canucks a standing ovation, despite their embarrassing loss of 3-0. And I sit here, and I want to cry. Not just because of the Canucks. Sure, I like hockey. I love watching a good game. I don't remember stats or plays, but I like the game. I like cheering.
But the reason I am down is because for the past two months, Canadians have rallied around the Canucks as their team. Each game night has been a social event and a huge celebration if we win. People have been driving around with Canucks flags, and dressing in jerseys and blue, green and white to show their support. Crowds have gathered downtown Vancouver to watch the games outside. Huge crowds!
And I think that I am upset because I LOVE being a part of something... a movement... a celebration... anything supported by a large group. I guess that ultimately this is what Christianity should be like. But it's not always. And so I go looking for that sense of passion, and community, and togetherness in other places. And now, I don't know what to do with myself...
I just really wanted a "win" tonight. Not just for Canucks. For me.
But the reason I am down is because for the past two months, Canadians have rallied around the Canucks as their team. Each game night has been a social event and a huge celebration if we win. People have been driving around with Canucks flags, and dressing in jerseys and blue, green and white to show their support. Crowds have gathered downtown Vancouver to watch the games outside. Huge crowds!
And I think that I am upset because I LOVE being a part of something... a movement... a celebration... anything supported by a large group. I guess that ultimately this is what Christianity should be like. But it's not always. And so I go looking for that sense of passion, and community, and togetherness in other places. And now, I don't know what to do with myself...
I just really wanted a "win" tonight. Not just for Canucks. For me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Stay-at-home-mom... The Ultimate Vacation!
I had a pretty overwhelming week. I always have a hard time adjusting to change, and even though I love having Kaya with us... it was a pretty tiring week. It probably didn't help catching up from company last week too. Then having my last week of bootcamp with the fitness test at the end. All in all, I was exhausted by today (Sunday). So, for the first time since moving here, I skipped church! It wasn't just to relax - I actually worked pretty hard getting things in order while I had the house to myself. That's what I want to write about.
I am finding it SO hard to keep on top of everything! I don't know if it's because we have a bigger house, or because we have teenage boys living with us who eat more and make a bigger mess, or now that we have a dog and the extra work that brings, or just because I'm working part-time AND doing a practicum that brings me up to 40+ hours of work, or that I am a pastor's wife and feel a call to help alongside him and suport the people in our ministry...
Whatever it is, something is throwing me over the edge and I am at my wit's end!
And this is not the first time I have wished that I could just be a stay-at-home mom! I see so many complaints about being woken up in the night, the never-ending laundry, crying kids, and having to stay home all the time with the kids. And I get it. It would be lonely and a lot of work to have babies (especially more than one little one at home). But to me, right now, the thought of staying home ALL day with one little baby who needed my attention feels like the ultimate vacation!
I would LOVE to be home all day to attend to all the details of the day. To plan out dinner earlier in the day and have some of it prepared, rather than rushing home at 5:30 to quickly get it in the oven and ready before we are all starving at 6:30. To leisurely do laundry throughout the day, rather than cramming in a load after work and rushing to get it done and folded before bed. To answer mail and email as it comes in rather than letting it pile up. To have the time to call businesses during office hours rather than on my lunch hour. To go grocery shopping (even with a little one in tow) during the QUIET day, rather than at the busiest times of the week when everybody else is shopping. To (dare I say it?) take a NAP in the afternoon as my little one naps too, rather than getting up early to walk the dog/exercise, get to work on time, come home, make dinner, clean up, go for another walk, and crash into bed exhausted. To go for long walks with a baby during the nice hours of the day rather than having to get up ridiculously early to exercise, or go in the rain if it's not nice when I'm done work.
Sounds pretty nice to me.
I am finding it SO hard to keep on top of everything! I don't know if it's because we have a bigger house, or because we have teenage boys living with us who eat more and make a bigger mess, or now that we have a dog and the extra work that brings, or just because I'm working part-time AND doing a practicum that brings me up to 40+ hours of work, or that I am a pastor's wife and feel a call to help alongside him and suport the people in our ministry...
Whatever it is, something is throwing me over the edge and I am at my wit's end!
And this is not the first time I have wished that I could just be a stay-at-home mom! I see so many complaints about being woken up in the night, the never-ending laundry, crying kids, and having to stay home all the time with the kids. And I get it. It would be lonely and a lot of work to have babies (especially more than one little one at home). But to me, right now, the thought of staying home ALL day with one little baby who needed my attention feels like the ultimate vacation!
I would LOVE to be home all day to attend to all the details of the day. To plan out dinner earlier in the day and have some of it prepared, rather than rushing home at 5:30 to quickly get it in the oven and ready before we are all starving at 6:30. To leisurely do laundry throughout the day, rather than cramming in a load after work and rushing to get it done and folded before bed. To answer mail and email as it comes in rather than letting it pile up. To have the time to call businesses during office hours rather than on my lunch hour. To go grocery shopping (even with a little one in tow) during the QUIET day, rather than at the busiest times of the week when everybody else is shopping. To (dare I say it?) take a NAP in the afternoon as my little one naps too, rather than getting up early to walk the dog/exercise, get to work on time, come home, make dinner, clean up, go for another walk, and crash into bed exhausted. To go for long walks with a baby during the nice hours of the day rather than having to get up ridiculously early to exercise, or go in the rain if it's not nice when I'm done work.
Sounds pretty nice to me.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Kaya
Well, we adopted a new dog! Her name is Kaya and she is an 8-month old border collie. It’s all very new (she just came home with DH on Monday) and I am not quite sure what to think yet. She is very sweet and seems to like us and our lifestyle. She is soooo passive, which is quite a shock compared to our time with Max. Honestly, I feel like something is wrong because we are not being fought, tooth and nail, for everything that we try to do. She is so easy that it seems too good to be true. She lets us touch her anywhere, she doesn’t complain when bathed, she doesn’t run off, she has no food aggression, she is so gentle, she plays nicely with other dogs and is very excited to meet new people, she lets us pick her up, she walks fairly well (except when there are birds around), she does not bark… the list goes on an on!
I think, though, that I am still processing feelings about Max(Past dog). As wonderful as Kaya is (and I know we’ll grow to love her), there was something so special about Max for us. He was the most difficult living being I have EVER encountered, but he played such an important role in our lives. I can’t quite figure out what that role was though. He was wild and free-willed, yet fun and loyal. He gave us structure in the chaos of our lives at that point in time. Somehow he stood for something we wanted in our lives. And though he wasn’t quite like a child, he had such a personality that I think he somehow fulfilled part of that longing in us. It sounds so crazy to put that down, but I think it is true. While Kaya is a great dog, she’ll always be just a dog. Max was something more. And I still miss that.
I’m not sure if this is a result of that, or having friends come visit last week, or knowing that my closest friend here is pregnant… but I have had a tough week. Despite feeling well overall, I have come close to tears a number of times and had moments of feeling “down” here and there. I’ve had a lot of great times, but somewhere down there is an unfulfilled longing that keeps popping up. It probably doesn’t help that I read a statistic saying that couples who have not gotten pregnant after 5 years of trying only have a 20% chance of conceiving naturally. I’ve started to think of the “What if…” What if we can’t get pregnant, or don’t? What if we try assisted technologies but still can’t do it? Then what? What if we have to adopt? I feel like it would be such a long process (the number 3 years is in my head, but I’m not sure if that’s accurate or not). I don’t know if I can wait three more years. I don’t even know if I want to adopt. I feel like having someone else’s kid could never be the same as having your own. I feel like how I feel about Max and Kaya. Max was our baby. Despite his flaws, we loved him so dearly. Kaya is great and she fulfills her role (so far), but she is not “ours”…at least not yet. I’m sure that will change in time, but I can’t make the decision for adoption based on the type of feeling I have about it right now. It’s not enough for me.
So does that leave us as one of those couples who just doesn’t have kids? Sometimes I can picture it. We could be happy. We have one another. I think we have a love that could be enough just for the two of us. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt we had an extra special type of love. It’s unfortunate not to be able to share it though. I think this has also hit me because I feel like I’ve been meeting a lot of young couples without kids. For a minute it gives me hope… and then I find that they are younger than my little brother! We are in the same place of life as them and we are at least 5 years ahead of them. That bothers me. I don’t know how to move on or past this place without being honest about where we’re at. But I don’t feel free to be honest about it yet because we don’t know what to say about it. So I’m stuck.
I think, though, that I am still processing feelings about Max(Past dog). As wonderful as Kaya is (and I know we’ll grow to love her), there was something so special about Max for us. He was the most difficult living being I have EVER encountered, but he played such an important role in our lives. I can’t quite figure out what that role was though. He was wild and free-willed, yet fun and loyal. He gave us structure in the chaos of our lives at that point in time. Somehow he stood for something we wanted in our lives. And though he wasn’t quite like a child, he had such a personality that I think he somehow fulfilled part of that longing in us. It sounds so crazy to put that down, but I think it is true. While Kaya is a great dog, she’ll always be just a dog. Max was something more. And I still miss that.
I’m not sure if this is a result of that, or having friends come visit last week, or knowing that my closest friend here is pregnant… but I have had a tough week. Despite feeling well overall, I have come close to tears a number of times and had moments of feeling “down” here and there. I’ve had a lot of great times, but somewhere down there is an unfulfilled longing that keeps popping up. It probably doesn’t help that I read a statistic saying that couples who have not gotten pregnant after 5 years of trying only have a 20% chance of conceiving naturally. I’ve started to think of the “What if…” What if we can’t get pregnant, or don’t? What if we try assisted technologies but still can’t do it? Then what? What if we have to adopt? I feel like it would be such a long process (the number 3 years is in my head, but I’m not sure if that’s accurate or not). I don’t know if I can wait three more years. I don’t even know if I want to adopt. I feel like having someone else’s kid could never be the same as having your own. I feel like how I feel about Max and Kaya. Max was our baby. Despite his flaws, we loved him so dearly. Kaya is great and she fulfills her role (so far), but she is not “ours”…at least not yet. I’m sure that will change in time, but I can’t make the decision for adoption based on the type of feeling I have about it right now. It’s not enough for me.
So does that leave us as one of those couples who just doesn’t have kids? Sometimes I can picture it. We could be happy. We have one another. I think we have a love that could be enough just for the two of us. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt we had an extra special type of love. It’s unfortunate not to be able to share it though. I think this has also hit me because I feel like I’ve been meeting a lot of young couples without kids. For a minute it gives me hope… and then I find that they are younger than my little brother! We are in the same place of life as them and we are at least 5 years ahead of them. That bothers me. I don’t know how to move on or past this place without being honest about where we’re at. But I don’t feel free to be honest about it yet because we don’t know what to say about it. So I’m stuck.
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