Vent sesh

Okay, so I am processing my feelings this morning so I apologize if this post is a little more vent-like than normal. DH and I had an appt. at the gynecologist today to review his last lab sample and take next steps. Turns out his sperm are fine. Everything was in the normal range. The only special note was regarding some infected skin tissue they found in the sample. It could be some kind of prostate infection. So, back to the doctor he goes for more testing to make sure everything is okay there. The doctor said that this should not be inhibiting his fertility, unless it is a bigger problem. We did get a prescription to start Clomid on my next cycle and try it for a few months. I also pushed to have him refer us to the Fertility Clinic in Victoria so we can get started on the waitlist. We will consider having an IUI if we don’t get pregnant between now and then. I figure it could be a few months before we even get into there. Hopefully my schedule allows us the time we need to make the trek there and back when the need arises (see, I’m thinking way too much ahead here already!).

Right now, I am just feeling mad. Plain old mad. I am mad that we have had to go through this thing at all. I am mad that my sweet DH has had to be subjected to these tests and the questioning of his manhood again and again (I know it doesn’t actually threaten his manhood, but he still feels the burn). I am mad that we can’t talk openly about what is going on because he is still dealing with the emotions of it all (not that I blame him at all, I just wish it were more acceptable of a topic to bring up). I am mad that there is no explanation or answer as to what is wrong. All we keep hearing is, “Everything looks normal.” If everything looks normal, then WHY have we not been able to conceive for five fucking years? And most of all I am mad at people telling us, “You’re still very young. You have lots of time!” We don’t have lots of time. I want to start my career. I just invested years of my life and thousands of dollars in a MA degree. I wanted to have kids and then start into the career… not start my career and then have to put it on hold for 5-10 years while I raise a kid (or more).

I guess the meeting wasn’t all that I expected it to be. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I wanted them to tell us there was no chance of us having kids ever, and that way we could move on and be done with it. It’s kind of like the Canucks last night. We all really wanted them to win, but after it was over we just felt relieved that it was over and the verdict was done. No more time spent waiting, wondering if they could pull through or not. I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting, wanting to know what is going to happen. I’m just tired of it. At the same time, however, it’s good that there was no “bad news.” We still have a chance to have a little one of our own. The door is not closed completely. That should give me hope (though right now I don’t feel it). If it’s any consolation, DH said he was glad we went to the appointment (after fretting and dreading it so much). I’m proud of him.

So, now, again… we wait. And “keep trying.” I am thinking of going public with this blog soon. So far I have kept it private as a spot to air my own thoughts. But lately I have been following other blogs and find it so helpful to see the perspectives of other people going through the same thing. I would love to share my perspective and maybe find some more people to band with me in this journey. I think I’ll have to go through and maybe edit a few posts, get rid of names and stuff, and make sure I’m okay with anybody reading it. It’s quite scary, but I think it would be good for me. Lately I have just wanted to tell everybody what is going on, to get it out there in the open. And I think DH is even feeling ready to have some more support. The question is HOW? I’ve never even witnessed someone go through this to see how they handled it. I don’t know where to start.

Also, on a side note, I have recently been seriously considering the idea of adoption. We’ve been watching a show called “Modern Family” and there is a gay couple who adopts a little girl. I can’t say why (and this may sound funny), but I see DH and I as similar to the personalities/characters of the gay couple. And adoption seems to work very well for them. I know it’s fake and make believe… but for the first time it gave me the feeling of, “Yeah, we could do that.” So now, to wait for my other part (DH) to catch up! Hehe!

Kaya

Well, we adopted a new dog! Her name is Kaya and she is an 8-month old border collie. It’s all very new (she just came home with DH on Monday) and I am not quite sure what to think yet. She is very sweet and seems to like us and our lifestyle. She is soooo passive, which is quite a shock compared to our time with Max. Honestly, I feel like something is wrong because we are not being fought, tooth and nail, for everything that we try to do. She is so easy that it seems too good to be true. She lets us touch her anywhere, she doesn’t complain when bathed, she doesn’t run off, she has no food aggression, she is so gentle, she plays nicely with other dogs and is very excited to meet new people, she lets us pick her up, she walks fairly well (except when there are birds around), she does not bark… the list goes on an on!

I think, though, that I am still processing feelings about Max(Past dog). As wonderful as Kaya is (and I know we’ll grow to love her), there was something so special about Max for us. He was the most difficult living being I have EVER encountered, but he played such an important role in our lives. I can’t quite figure out what that role was though. He was wild and free-willed, yet fun and loyal. He gave us structure in the chaos of our lives at that point in time. Somehow he stood for something we wanted in our lives. And though he wasn’t quite like a child, he had such a personality that I think he somehow fulfilled part of that longing in us. It sounds so crazy to put that down, but I think it is true. While Kaya is a great dog, she’ll always be just a dog. Max was something more. And I still miss that.

I’m not sure if this is a result of that, or having friends come visit last week, or knowing that my closest friend here is pregnant… but I have had a tough week. Despite feeling well overall, I have come close to tears a number of times and had moments of feeling “down” here and there. I’ve had a lot of great times, but somewhere down there is an unfulfilled longing that keeps popping up. It probably doesn’t help that I read a statistic saying that couples who have not gotten pregnant after 5 years of trying only have a 20% chance of conceiving naturally. I’ve started to think of the “What if…” What if we can’t get pregnant, or don’t? What if we try assisted technologies but still can’t do it? Then what? What if we have to adopt? I feel like it would be such a long process (the number 3 years is in my head, but I’m not sure if that’s accurate or not). I don’t know if I can wait three more years. I don’t even know if I want to adopt. I feel like having someone else’s kid could never be the same as having your own. I feel like how I feel about Max and Kaya. Max was our baby. Despite his flaws, we loved him so dearly. Kaya is great and she fulfills her role (so far), but she is not “ours”…at least not yet. I’m sure that will change in time, but I can’t make the decision for adoption based on the type of feeling I have about it right now. It’s not enough for me.

So does that leave us as one of those couples who just doesn’t have kids? Sometimes I can picture it. We could be happy. We have one another. I think we have a love that could be enough just for the two of us. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt we had an extra special type of love. It’s unfortunate not to be able to share it though. I think this has also hit me because I feel like I’ve been meeting a lot of young couples without kids. For a minute it gives me hope… and then I find that they are younger than my little brother! We are in the same place of life as them and we are at least 5 years ahead of them. That bothers me. I don’t know how to move on or past this place without being honest about where we’re at. But I don’t feel free to be honest about it yet because we don’t know what to say about it. So I’m stuck.