Losing "control"

Those people who said that life gets easier with twins after the first six months are wrong.  As fun and cuddly and cute as these boys are, they are busy and a handful!  And sleep loss when you have a newborn is one thing...but sleep loss when you have two nearly-toddlers to keep up with is not fun! 

This is a bit of a vent post, so I'll warn you in advance.  Actually, though, I haven't written for a while, but today I really feel the need to process my thoughts, so you people get to be the recipients (lucky you!).

I had a bad day with the boys today.  The whole day wasn't terrible, but we had an awful night last night (one of the worst in the books).  Then MJ decided to skip his morning nap and threw the whole day off.  We had to miss baby group, and the boys' nap schedules were off sync.  That means that the 2-3 hours I usually get to myself was gone.  MJ was just being sooooo difficult!  I don't know if it was teething, or just a restless mind as he tries to conquer standing on his own, but it was so frustrating for me.  All the tricks we normally use to settle him did not work. 

I found out that I really don't roll well with the punches, especially not when I have "plans" that get ruined.  I guess it's an aspect of control.  So, when the night and then the day were thrown off kilter, I just melted down.  Eventually I regrouped.  The boys finally went down together for an afternoon nap and I closed my eyes for 45 minutes.  Once they were up again my mom came to the rescue and took the boys to the park so I could make dinner and have a few moment's silence.  The day ended on a really good note. 

I just really, really, really, really hate it when I get to that point where I feel like I can't handle things!  I wrote about my anxiety a while back, and it really has improved.  But days like today just frustrate me to no end.  I am mostly upset about how upset it made me.  Really, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal.  The boys caught up on sleep, I eventually got to shower, and the day ended well.  Just in the moment, I can't snap out of it.  The frustration just ruins me.  And I hate being that way to the boys and to my hubby. 

I guess it's a work in progress.  Sometimes I set expectations too high for myself.

Well I'm beat for today.  I hope to follow this up with some more profound thoughts later on, but right now, I think I just need to go to bed.

Oh, before I forget to mention it.... guess who showed up yesterday?  Good ol' AF.  Nearly 18 months since I've seen that sight.  Can I blame some of my mood on my hormones, haha?!? 

Vent sesh

Okay, so I am processing my feelings this morning so I apologize if this post is a little more vent-like than normal. DH and I had an appt. at the gynecologist today to review his last lab sample and take next steps. Turns out his sperm are fine. Everything was in the normal range. The only special note was regarding some infected skin tissue they found in the sample. It could be some kind of prostate infection. So, back to the doctor he goes for more testing to make sure everything is okay there. The doctor said that this should not be inhibiting his fertility, unless it is a bigger problem. We did get a prescription to start Clomid on my next cycle and try it for a few months. I also pushed to have him refer us to the Fertility Clinic in Victoria so we can get started on the waitlist. We will consider having an IUI if we don’t get pregnant between now and then. I figure it could be a few months before we even get into there. Hopefully my schedule allows us the time we need to make the trek there and back when the need arises (see, I’m thinking way too much ahead here already!).

Right now, I am just feeling mad. Plain old mad. I am mad that we have had to go through this thing at all. I am mad that my sweet DH has had to be subjected to these tests and the questioning of his manhood again and again (I know it doesn’t actually threaten his manhood, but he still feels the burn). I am mad that we can’t talk openly about what is going on because he is still dealing with the emotions of it all (not that I blame him at all, I just wish it were more acceptable of a topic to bring up). I am mad that there is no explanation or answer as to what is wrong. All we keep hearing is, “Everything looks normal.” If everything looks normal, then WHY have we not been able to conceive for five fucking years? And most of all I am mad at people telling us, “You’re still very young. You have lots of time!” We don’t have lots of time. I want to start my career. I just invested years of my life and thousands of dollars in a MA degree. I wanted to have kids and then start into the career… not start my career and then have to put it on hold for 5-10 years while I raise a kid (or more).

I guess the meeting wasn’t all that I expected it to be. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I wanted them to tell us there was no chance of us having kids ever, and that way we could move on and be done with it. It’s kind of like the Canucks last night. We all really wanted them to win, but after it was over we just felt relieved that it was over and the verdict was done. No more time spent waiting, wondering if they could pull through or not. I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting, wanting to know what is going to happen. I’m just tired of it. At the same time, however, it’s good that there was no “bad news.” We still have a chance to have a little one of our own. The door is not closed completely. That should give me hope (though right now I don’t feel it). If it’s any consolation, DH said he was glad we went to the appointment (after fretting and dreading it so much). I’m proud of him.

So, now, again… we wait. And “keep trying.” I am thinking of going public with this blog soon. So far I have kept it private as a spot to air my own thoughts. But lately I have been following other blogs and find it so helpful to see the perspectives of other people going through the same thing. I would love to share my perspective and maybe find some more people to band with me in this journey. I think I’ll have to go through and maybe edit a few posts, get rid of names and stuff, and make sure I’m okay with anybody reading it. It’s quite scary, but I think it would be good for me. Lately I have just wanted to tell everybody what is going on, to get it out there in the open. And I think DH is even feeling ready to have some more support. The question is HOW? I’ve never even witnessed someone go through this to see how they handled it. I don’t know where to start.

Also, on a side note, I have recently been seriously considering the idea of adoption. We’ve been watching a show called “Modern Family” and there is a gay couple who adopts a little girl. I can’t say why (and this may sound funny), but I see DH and I as similar to the personalities/characters of the gay couple. And adoption seems to work very well for them. I know it’s fake and make believe… but for the first time it gave me the feeling of, “Yeah, we could do that.” So now, to wait for my other part (DH) to catch up! Hehe!