Losing "control"

Those people who said that life gets easier with twins after the first six months are wrong.  As fun and cuddly and cute as these boys are, they are busy and a handful!  And sleep loss when you have a newborn is one thing...but sleep loss when you have two nearly-toddlers to keep up with is not fun! 

This is a bit of a vent post, so I'll warn you in advance.  Actually, though, I haven't written for a while, but today I really feel the need to process my thoughts, so you people get to be the recipients (lucky you!).

I had a bad day with the boys today.  The whole day wasn't terrible, but we had an awful night last night (one of the worst in the books).  Then MJ decided to skip his morning nap and threw the whole day off.  We had to miss baby group, and the boys' nap schedules were off sync.  That means that the 2-3 hours I usually get to myself was gone.  MJ was just being sooooo difficult!  I don't know if it was teething, or just a restless mind as he tries to conquer standing on his own, but it was so frustrating for me.  All the tricks we normally use to settle him did not work. 

I found out that I really don't roll well with the punches, especially not when I have "plans" that get ruined.  I guess it's an aspect of control.  So, when the night and then the day were thrown off kilter, I just melted down.  Eventually I regrouped.  The boys finally went down together for an afternoon nap and I closed my eyes for 45 minutes.  Once they were up again my mom came to the rescue and took the boys to the park so I could make dinner and have a few moment's silence.  The day ended on a really good note. 

I just really, really, really, really hate it when I get to that point where I feel like I can't handle things!  I wrote about my anxiety a while back, and it really has improved.  But days like today just frustrate me to no end.  I am mostly upset about how upset it made me.  Really, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal.  The boys caught up on sleep, I eventually got to shower, and the day ended well.  Just in the moment, I can't snap out of it.  The frustration just ruins me.  And I hate being that way to the boys and to my hubby. 

I guess it's a work in progress.  Sometimes I set expectations too high for myself.

Well I'm beat for today.  I hope to follow this up with some more profound thoughts later on, but right now, I think I just need to go to bed.

Oh, before I forget to mention it.... guess who showed up yesterday?  Good ol' AF.  Nearly 18 months since I've seen that sight.  Can I blame some of my mood on my hormones, haha?!? 

The spaces between

This is an honest post about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and change.  I thought that maybe writing about how I am feeling would help me put words to some of the things I am having a hard time describing.

Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk.  I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true!  I wasn't lying.  But I was describing my life with my boys.  This post is about the rest of my life.  Anyways, I'll explain more as I go.  Here goes:

I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting.  I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them.  Hooray!  So that is good.  In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression.  There is some anxiety.  And some just blues.

I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from.  Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going.  Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now.  I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys.  Work: I am dreading going back to work.  I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!).  Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer.  Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now.  We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys.  I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority.  Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods.  Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.

Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life.  I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process.  No, I don't think I lost myself.  I chose to let parts go.  People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that.  I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed.  I just don't really want the life I had before.  I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.

I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right.  All I care about right now is the mom side of myself.  Is that okay?  Is it normal?  I'm not unhappy.  In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy.  But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.

Has anyone else been here?

Thanks for letting me share.  I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier.  Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.

My Anxieties

I have appreciated when others have shared their struggles through the transition to new parenthood.  Lately I have found myself struggling in unexpected ways and need an outlet for some of my thoughts. 

I was surprised that I was not struck by the "baby blues" after the twins were born.  Looking back now, I see that I was in almost a shock-like state of survival, that I don't think I had time to be depressed.  It is only in the last little while that I finally have begun to process the events surrounding the twins' birth (bed rest, pregnancy complications, NICU).  While the end result was incredible, I have come to realize that a lot of my experience was traumatic.  From time to time, I find myself reliving moments of those months and playing them over and over in my mind as I reflect and try to make sense of my emotions.

While I have not been affected by a huge depression, I have lately been experiencing bouts of anxiety to an extent that I never have felt before.  I expected to be a protective mama bear, but that isn't even the type of anxiety I feel.  I don't worry too much about the boys being hurt, or getting sick, or those types of concerns that are typical of new parents.  What I worry about is the boys' development, whether they are meeting milestones, how their brains are forming, and how I can them from any sense of trauma or unhappiness in their lives.  I know this is an unrealistic expectation.  I can't shelter them from anything bad happening... but I so wish I could!  I think that since I work in the mental health field, and see a lot of kids who experienced abuse/neglect/emotional trauma and/or who have varying degrees of disorders, I have a heightened awareness of how situations can affect children.  On a daily basis I worry that one baby's crying is going to traumatize the other baby!  In reality, though, all babies cry! 

I also experience anxiety about how our lives have changed.  I know I can't go back (nor would I want to), but I have a tough time adapting to change, and this has been the HUGEST change I could ever have imagined.  There are times when I just cannot cope with how different life is, and all I want to do is ignore the babies and wash my floors and put my house back together the way I used to when I had two free arms and lots of free time.  I get flustered when I have tasks that I can't complete.  I always used to complete all my tasks... and more.  I used to keep my body in shape by exercising.  I made sleep a priority because it is so important for my emotional well-being.  All of these things are now out of my control.  And when I am not in control - I become anxious.

I get anxious about the lack of sleep.  Sleep has always been incredibly important to me, and I am the type of person who goes to bed at the same time each night, and rises early ready to go. I underestimated how much of an effect the sleep deprivation would have on me.  Some nights I go to bed in fear and trepidation, wondering when the babies will wake and worrying about how little sleep I will get.  That keeps me awake and makes me more anxious... it's a vicious circle.

Most days I can manage, but on particularly tired days, or when stressful situations arise, or when the boys cry too much - the anxiety takes over.

I spoke to my doctor about it the other day.  I don't think I need to be on a medication completely right now.  She suggested I explore some naturopathic remedies, but also gave me a prescription for an extremely low dose of adivan to take on an as-needed basis if I feel like I really need it.  It gave me a sigh of relief.  Since my normal coping mechanisms have been taken away (sleep, exercise, coffee with friends, retail therapy), it helps to have a back-up plan in place. 

All in all, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but I like to be preventative and not let things get too far gone before dealing with them.  So, that is where I am at now. 

In Control

I will post more about our trip once I have a chance to upload some photos.  This post is about some of the difficulties I am facing in parenting, specifically parenting twins.  If you're not in a place to read, please do take care of yourself and skip on by. 

Feeling secure in bed rest

Yesterday one of the doctors I saw used the phrase "discharged" as she was speaking about my future here at the hospital. I really don't think she has a full picture of what is going on in my case, but that word awoke a number of emotions. Since then my brain has been in overdrive thinking of different possibilities.

For me, I think one of the hardest parts of bedrest is the unknown. I don't know if I will give birth to my babies here in Victoria before 32 weeks. I don't know if I will make it to 32 weeks but then be transferred to the hospital closer to home that can handle preemie babies born after 32 weeks. I don't know if my babies will be born there. I don't know if I will make it past that point to 34-36 weeks, where they will let me go back home and give birth in my hometown. I don't know if I will be discharged early and sent home on strict bed rest. If that happens, I don't know where I will give birth because it depends on how early the babies come. If the babies do come early, I don't know whether to expect staying here in Victoria, or in the city closer to home. All these unknowns are making me crazy!

Besides that, though, as difficult as hospital bed rest is at times, I don't know if I would want to give it up. There is a feeling of security and stability here that I am enjoying. The environment is so controlled that it minimizes a lot of worries. I always know when to expect my next meal. Cleaning is all done for me. My vitamins are brought to me. The babies are checked regularly. I have clean clothes and the essentials to keep myself fresh and healthy. I am in good hands, despite what the future holds.

If I were at home, my brain would be overrun with lists of things to do. There would be meals to freeze, the nursery to prepare, supplies to be bought, all while ensuring that the house keeps clean and running. Here, I have no control over those things, so I have had to let them go. Some days that is easy, and some days it is difficult. I really have no choice.

I am worried about going home and facing the reality of life again. I feel like it is going to be too much to handle. Two newborn babies AND trying to get the house ready/back in order for life as a family of four. I am a planner. The idea of being thrown right into that chaos makes me anxious!

I know there are things that I can do here and now to prepare, but it is hard for me to even engage in those tasks. It's like my brain can't handle being here and there at the same time. So for now I focus on what is here. I knit, and eat my meals, and read, and blog, and nap. And then I do it all over again.

Baby Brain = Anxious Brain

Let me tell you... baby brain is FULL in gear over here!

I'm so glad my official maternity leave starts in just a week.  I'm useless at work.  I make mistakes all the time.  I can't focus.  I have one more article to submit to our local newspaper from my counselling office.  I drafted up a whole page of notes and outlined the whole thing... then I left the piece of paper in a library book that I returned.  Here is the worst part: I can't remember AT ALL what I wrote about.  I have absolutely no idea what topic I had chosen or anything.  Mind you, it was about 2 weeks ago that I did the preliminary work, but STILL!

On top of that, the crazy hormones have kicked into full gear.  I've been having mini meltdowns every day.  Yesterday I cried looking at our budget (How will we make it when I stop working - even with maternity pay?).  Today I cried about friends wanting to come visit us this weekend (Yes I want to see them... but what if I don't feel well?  What if I'm too tired?  What if I am grumpy?).  I cried because I thought I hadn't felt the babies move for a while (DH reminded me that just a few hours previous I was talking about how much they were moving).  I'm sure there are many other trivial examples that I just can't remember right now. All I know is that any problem seems insurmountable right now, and so it makes me cry.

Which brings us to my anxiety about these babies coming.  In a few days we are 27 weeks.  That means these babies will likely be here within 10 weeks...possibly even 8!  8 weeks is 2 months!  2 months people!  I. Am. So. Not. Ready.  As much as I kept saying to people, "I just want to see these babies so badly... they could come at any time and we would make it work" - it's not true anymore!  We are not ready.  Stay in there babies, stay in there!

We still have done ZERO in the nursery.  We are awaiting our wallpaper to arrive (which has been an ordeal in itself) before we paint.  We are waiting to set up any furniture until we paint.  We are waiting to fill any furniture (bedding, clothes, etc.) until we set up the furniture.  So basically nothing is actually done.  I have barely bought any baby clothes!  People keep telling me, "Don't buy anything.  You will be given soooo much stuff."  Well, let's see it people!  I know we have two bigger showers coming up soon, so I am sure that is true, but I feel so unprepared right now.  I can't even pack a hospital bag because I don't have enough outfits for the babies.   I am trying to get other things organized in the house, and plan out meals to freeze, etc. BUT this baby brain is not making that an easy task!  Pretty much all I am good for is lying on the couch, doing nothing!

Then there is the thought of actual labour and birthing these babies.  Even if I don't experience labour, I know nothing of all the decisions to be made when a baby is born.  I'm hoping that will be covered in our L&D classes.  Still, I feel so unprepared for all of it.  We don't know what we are doing!

I know it will be okay.  We will have people helping us out.  Things will get done.  BUT my brain won't rest assured until these things actually happen.  (Also, in the back of my mind is the worry that I will be put in the hospital early too... how do you deal with all these things from a hospital bed???).

So, here is what I AM going to do to give myself some peace about it all
- Tomorrow I will stay home and hopefully have a planning/organizing day (come on brain, work with me!)
- I will find an old college paper to hopefully draw from in order to write a newspaper article
- I will start to keep a pen and paper beside me at all times to write down my thoughts as they come, because otherwise I just won't remember
- I will prepare an online order for some essentials and save it until next payday
- I will look at birth plan ideas to start familiarizing myself with questions and decisions to be made
- I will set out some books I have on caring for babies after they arrive (breastfeeding, sleeping, etc.) to hopefully start to browse through and prepare myself
- I will book an appointment with my naturopthic doctor to discuss how she can support us once the babies come (breastfeeding, immunization information, etc.)
- I will book myself a pedicure and hair cut in the near future
- I will go for my afternoon prenatal massage tomorrow and let all my worries melt away

Sound good?

Update: Bedrest and OB Visit

Did I mention how much I LOVE my OB?  Let me say it again, in case I didn't.  My OB ROCKS!  She is just a perfect personality match for me, and I feel so reassured having her around.

This might be a bit of a long post, as am processing a lot right now.  So here's the agenda: bed rest, OB visit (baby update), and emotions.

I successfully completed 6 days of bed rest.  The time actually flew by.  Partially it was because we had a house full of people, and partially was because I was so incredibly tired!  I just slept most of it away.  Our good friends P&J were visiting this past week.  They were busy doing their own thing a lot of the time, but it was reassuring having close friends around, and they pitched in to help with cooking and cleaning.  Then, when my brother-in-law heard the news, he and his wife decided to come for the weekend to help out.  That was slightly overwhelming at first (8 people in the house), but they were super helpful and cooked all the meals, did all the clean-up, mowed our lawn, and helped with housework.  The time just flew by while I was waited on and taken care of.  Even when they all went out to our town's Market Days, they brought me back the cutest gift for the babies.

Handmade baby rattles!

Today everyone left, and I felt a sigh of relief.  It's just nice having your house back to yourself. 

My OB came back from holidays today and I was lucky enough to get in to see her.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I haven't seen any "fresh" blood since the scare on Thursdays.  I had a bit of light bleeding and spotting, but it was mostly cleared up by Saturday.  My OB confirmed that I have a hematoma (also called subchorionic hematoma, or SCH, from what I have read online), but it actually measures 5cm, which is not that small.  She hopes that I have bled most of it out and that it won't cause any further problems.  She did schedule me for a follow-up ultrasound next week to check on the hematoma, and also check the babies growth.  Oh, and the hematoma was blocking the view of Baby A's placenta, so it was hard to tell if it was connected to the succenturiate lobe or not (I know, so much medical jargon).  She said the hematoma, itself, is not dangerous, but puts me at greater risk for pre-term labour (which I am already at risk for with a multiples birth) and pre-term premature rupture of membranes (PPROM), where the placenta detaches from the uterus wall.  Which means, it still is a concern.

So... we talked about what this all means.  Basically I'm not free from bed-rest, but I guess I am going on a sort of modified bed rest.  I still have to limit my activity level extremely (no lifting, no exerting energy, no heavy cleaning, no walking, no sex, etc.), but she is willing to let me go back to work IF I feel I can handle it.  We talked about this a bit, and both agreed that I should cut back on my counselling job sooner, rather than later.  This is because though it is not physically exhausting, it is emotionally draining, and I give a lot of myself during sessions.  I was actually very relieved to hear this, because I was finding that counselling was becoming harder to do.  She said she thought that my office job in August sounded alright, but that as soon as I get enough hours for maternity leave, I should wind down work.  Wow!  I'm not even 23 weeks!

Then she talked a lot about stress and worry, and how important it was for me to keep these to a minimum.  I hadn't realized how much anxiety I had been feeling, but it definitely shone through in my appointment.  There is something about having a safe place that shows you what you have been holding in.  She agreed that I need to be doing something rather than staying indoors at home all the time, because that will just make me depressed.  But she also thinks I need to guard my energy and emotional resources as much as I can.  She suggested I find a creative outlet as a way to let out stress, that I take a book to the park or beach and relax there, and that if I need to get out to a mall or shopping, to get someone to push me in a wheelchair, haha!

I hadn't realized it, but this experience has probably affected more emotionally than I even realize right now.  Resigning myself to modified bed rest for, likely, the rest of my pregnancy, is a big thing too.  As much as it feels good to be told to relax, and I am more than happy to do what I have to for these babies, I am a "doer" at heart.  Stopping work early brings on worries of finances too.  I do have faith that things will all work out, but it is an adjustment to my mindset right now. 

So, that is where I am at right now.  I guess I need more time to process all of these changes.  I was planning to go into work tomorrow, but DH convinced me not to.  He is coming at this from much more of a protective side (which is great), and reasons that I only stopped bleeding on Saturday, and need to give my body more time.  I think I will call work (counselling office) tomorrow and speak to them about what is going on as I try to decide how to wind down.  My u/s will be scheduled in 7-10 days, and my OB wants to see me again next week.  So, that's all for now!  (Also I will try update my bump pics).  Thanks for listening/reading!