In Control

I will post more about our trip once I have a chance to upload some photos.  This post is about some of the difficulties I am facing in parenting, specifically parenting twins.  If you're not in a place to read, please do take care of yourself and skip on by. 




I realized today that I am having a hard time adjusting to parenting.  I didn't think it would affect me 4 1/2 months in, but I think in some ways it is harder now for me to adjust than when the boys were first born.  I love the twins so much.  I love staying home to take care of them.  I love being their mom.  I love watching them grow, and feeding them, and seeing them learn new things.  What I don't love so much, is the feeling of being so out of control of my own life.

I think that with one baby this transition would be tough... but I think with two is it incredibly tough!  I don't know, but I would imagine that with one baby there would still be many ways in which you would and could remain in control.  With two babies, that opportunity diminishes drastically. Every single thing in your life is affected by these two little beings.  There are so many times during the day that I long for some "free" time.  It's not even jealous free time (for me) - all I want is a chance to mop the floors, or put away dishes, or do something "productive."  I know that I need to redefine my expectations of productivity, but it is so hard for me because I just don't want to.  I like having things done my way, in my time, in my control.

The problem is, I am no longer number one in my life.  These two little babies need me to put them and their needs first.  I also have a loving husband who needs some of my attention, compassion, and not to be "micro-managed" (the term he used to describe me that got me thinking about all of this).

As I took a walk yesterday to ponder what is going on with me, I realized that what I am really dealing with is anxiety.  Anxiety about not being in control.  I think that due to my counselling skills, I am able to hide/manage this anxiety somewhat, and it does not result in full-blown panic attacks or somatic symptoms...but it still bleeds out in other ways - in particular, by controlling my environment and those around me.  When I can't do this, I panic, and become grumpy, irritable, withdrawn, and no fun to be around.  I read an article online yesterday that described anxiety and controlling behaviour as being rooted in fear that you are trying to avoid.  I'm not sure exactly where the fear lies (I don't think it's rooted in other people's expectations, as much as my own) but I know it is not healthy.  I remember reading a post a while back by Lanie, about the anxiety she faced in becoming a new parent, and I really resonated with what she had to say.  If you share a similar struggle, be sure to check it out.

I don't really know what I'm going to do about it right now, but being aware of it  already helps me feel way better.  I'll keep you posted on how it goes from here.