Losing "control"

Those people who said that life gets easier with twins after the first six months are wrong.  As fun and cuddly and cute as these boys are, they are busy and a handful!  And sleep loss when you have a newborn is one thing...but sleep loss when you have two nearly-toddlers to keep up with is not fun! 

This is a bit of a vent post, so I'll warn you in advance.  Actually, though, I haven't written for a while, but today I really feel the need to process my thoughts, so you people get to be the recipients (lucky you!).

I had a bad day with the boys today.  The whole day wasn't terrible, but we had an awful night last night (one of the worst in the books).  Then MJ decided to skip his morning nap and threw the whole day off.  We had to miss baby group, and the boys' nap schedules were off sync.  That means that the 2-3 hours I usually get to myself was gone.  MJ was just being sooooo difficult!  I don't know if it was teething, or just a restless mind as he tries to conquer standing on his own, but it was so frustrating for me.  All the tricks we normally use to settle him did not work. 

I found out that I really don't roll well with the punches, especially not when I have "plans" that get ruined.  I guess it's an aspect of control.  So, when the night and then the day were thrown off kilter, I just melted down.  Eventually I regrouped.  The boys finally went down together for an afternoon nap and I closed my eyes for 45 minutes.  Once they were up again my mom came to the rescue and took the boys to the park so I could make dinner and have a few moment's silence.  The day ended on a really good note. 

I just really, really, really, really hate it when I get to that point where I feel like I can't handle things!  I wrote about my anxiety a while back, and it really has improved.  But days like today just frustrate me to no end.  I am mostly upset about how upset it made me.  Really, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal.  The boys caught up on sleep, I eventually got to shower, and the day ended well.  Just in the moment, I can't snap out of it.  The frustration just ruins me.  And I hate being that way to the boys and to my hubby. 

I guess it's a work in progress.  Sometimes I set expectations too high for myself.

Well I'm beat for today.  I hope to follow this up with some more profound thoughts later on, but right now, I think I just need to go to bed.

Oh, before I forget to mention it.... guess who showed up yesterday?  Good ol' AF.  Nearly 18 months since I've seen that sight.  Can I blame some of my mood on my hormones, haha?!? 

In Control

I will post more about our trip once I have a chance to upload some photos.  This post is about some of the difficulties I am facing in parenting, specifically parenting twins.  If you're not in a place to read, please do take care of yourself and skip on by. 

Hope among other things

Just wanted to update and say that things are feeling much more under control today.  I'm hoping and praying that the little swimmers will reach my egg and do their job!  Haha, it sounds so funny to me to even write something like that in a place that others will see... but it's the truth.  I actually even did visualizations this time and am sending lots of positive energy thoughts to myself, haha.  Hey, I figure it can't hurt and maybe will help.  I feel a bit hopeful about this month.  I am still processing the big fight DH and I had on the weekend, but I feel like it was a turning point.  We reached a point, even just for a moment, of feeling like we should just give up trying altogether.  DH was actually surprised that I went back for bloodwork the next day, because he thought we were just scrapping it for this month.  I went back though, because I felt a bit of a release emotionally and I just thought, "what if this IS the month?"  I wanted to make sure the proper steps had been taken if it were.  Then after that, we just had fun.  I don't think I'm at a point where I can completely give up trying, but last week was such a low of scrambling around trying to make everything work perfectly... and it was EXHAUSTING!  That is essentially what we fought about.  Of course DH is going to feel pressure when I am controlling every last detail of our lives in this regards.  I know it is the only way I know how to deal with this situation, but still... it maybe isn't actually helping all that much.  That's hard for me even to write actually.  And I don't know how to "fix" it.  I don't know how to change.  I don't know if I really want to.  But what I do want is to live this next month stress-free.  I want to enjoy the Christmas holidays with my husband, and our friends and family.  I don't want to be worried all about baby stuff.  I want to just relax.  It's hard, and I know there are still unresolved hurt feelings, but I am making an effort to be positive. 

In other news, all last night/this morning I felt little twinges in my abdomen, kind of like little bubbles.  I don't want to overanalyze anything, but maybe that is some sort of good sign?  Hoping and praying!!! 

Oh, and one last comment... I think the thing I am dreading most about being pregnant is the STUPID conversations people have with you.  My one friend J is pregnant and everywhere we go people ignore me and only talk to her about her baby.  It's like I'm not even there!  They never ask her about any other areas of life, only about how she's feeling, how her clothes are fitting, how tired she is, how big the baby is, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. etc. etc.  It drives me crazy!  No wonder so many moms lose their identity in their baby.  If that is all that we can expect to talk to pregnant ladies about, how can we expect them to remain contributing members of society after the baby is born???  If/when I am pregnant, I plan to always turn the conversation around on anyone who asks me those idiotic questions and engage in a REAL conversation about REAL life!  There, that's my rant for the day.