Ringing in the New Year

Well, I never liked setting New Year's resolutions and normally I scoff at those who do.  To me, it just seems cheesy.  I set goals all the time but to make a big deal of it just seems silly to me.  However, this year DH and I really want to be intentional about losing weight.  As much as I have been "trying" to stay healthy, I have extra poundage that I don't want to be there.  And for him, it's more of a health thing.  He is not at optimal weight and is at risk for developing diabetes, so the safer, the better.  Also, my secret reason for losing weight is a bit of vanity.  All the cool ones these days are super skinny.  I don't want to be one of them... but all the cool fashion looks way better on those who are not slightly overweight.  Is it terrible that I want to dress more hip but need to lose some weight to do so???

So, I figure what I need is a bit of accountability to keep me going.  I am pretty self-motivated, but I am going to be trying some things that are not in my normal repertoire of self-health and I may need a bit of a kick in the pants.  I'd love to find a free online community where I can do check-ins, but one that is not too time consuming.  I looked into Weight Watchers, but I just don't want to pay the money to do something I'm sure I can do for free.  If I could find an App for my iPhone too, that would probably be helpful.

This is what my plan is:
- I'm going to start going to the gym again, trying for at least 3x/week.  I have been doing workouts at home that are great and I'll continue those on days I can't make it to the gym.  I will focus on doing more interval training to kick my body into gear first.  The weights really do help to firm me up but I also need to trim down, so that is how I will focus my cardio.  I will start with weights, with some high intensity short spurts of cardio and then finish with cardio too.
- I will also take a brisk walk each day.  This works well because I have the dog and end up walking her almost every day anyways. 
- I will cut down my portions for meals.  This is always hard for me because I love food, but I will really try to eat a smaller amount.
- I will limit my sugar intake.  I think this is key for me!  I am going to try a partial sugar cleanse in January and try not to eat any sweets, cookies, cakes, etc. for the whole month.  I will let myself have some sugar in tea/coffee and maybe a bit of dark chocolate now and then.  I am not going crazy with the sugar cleanse, in that I will completely avoid any packaged food that has sugar in it (granola bars, cereal) but I will try to be intentional about avoiding it where I can.
- I will limit my coffee/tea consumption.  I have been trying to do have only 2 caffeinated drinks per day, but with the holidays that has not been the case.  I am trying to switch more to green tea and only have one coffee a day (and maybe a cup of black tea too).  I think that if I am getting enough rest, I should be able to manage.  I mainly just drink when I am tired and lately I feel tired all the time.  That is something I hope to improve too. 
- I have wondered about cutting out gluten from my diet.  I know a lot of people who are doing this and finding great health benefits.  I have been tested for Celiac's but it came up negative.  Later I heard that if you haven't been eating much wheat before the test it may not pick it up.  I wonder about auto-immune things with the way my white blood cell count is so low but it hasn't been a big enough problem to be tested for anything.  I may try to experiment with cutting down gluten and maybe even try a short stint of gluten-free to see if it makes a difference.  That depends on how busy I am. 

So, there you have it.  My plan for health for 2012.  If you have any tips/suggestions, feel free to pass them on!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our 6th year wedding anniversary!  It is a gorgeous, sunny day and we have no obligations.  DH is currently making me breakfast (and he rushed out this morning while I was walking the dog to buy me some pretty red and white tulips).  What a sweetie!  We are hoping to go out snowshoeing later this afternoon (night snowshoeing).  We don't have much money right now, so nothing fancy, but just spending the day together.  It should be nice.

Little holiday

Just got back from our mini-holiday away to one of my absolute favorite cities... Vancouver.  It rained a lot (as you can see from the photo below) but we had a good time.  It felt a bit weird because we were playing tour guides to our student and his sister and they mainly talked to each other in Cantonese.  So we were somewhat alone in our conversations but yet we were not actually alone... 

We saw some sights, ate some good food (too much) and drank great coffee. 

It was a quick overnight trip, but pretty enjoyable.  It was nice to be in a big city and not feel so out of place being the only 30-year old, married-without-kids couple.  Surprisingly, I'm even feeling social tonight and we're going out to visit with our friends P & J.  I'll catch up on my comments from ICLW tomorrow! 

Merry worst Christmas ever...

I planned to write a Merry Christmas post yesterday... but the day did not pan out how I hoped and I didn't want to write a super negative post on Christmas.   Now that I've had a day to think about it, things have settled a bit and hopefully I can find something meaningful from what happened. 

Christmas day started off really nice.  I woke up early and made some tea and sat by the Christmas tree, then cuddled up and went back to sleep again.  DH made a delicious breakfast of eggs benedict and drank the coffee with the beans our friend had roasted for us.  We opened up presents.  The day was going great. 

Things turned right around 12:00.  All I wanted to do on Christmas day was to start a fire, and cuddle up with DH watching movies and knitting.  We have an exchange student living with us and his sister is also visiting for Christmas.  Now having them around is not bad... but we are never quite alone.  Our student does not leave the house lots and so when our house s empty, we revel in it.  The plan for Christmas is that a group of them were going to go up to the mountain skiing.  We were ecstatic.  We have been so busy with people and we really just needed some time to ourselves.  Well, it turned out that the skiing trip was CANCELED and nobody bothered to tell our student.  So, DH went to drop them off at the meet-up spot and nobody was there and they had to come back. 

This was too much for me.  I went up to our bedroom and had the biggest meltdown of my life.  I sobbed for almost an hour (or so it felt).  I had already been feeling sick with a stomach flu, and this ruined everything I was hoping for.  I admit, it was overdramatic... but I just really needed this day.  DH tried real hard to cheer me up and "fix" the situation (which I felt could not be fixed).  He suggested that we go up the mountain with them, but I was feeling really sick.  He suggested that he take them while I rested, but I did not want to be alone.  There was nothing that would make me happy.  Well, to sum it up the rest of the afternoon was spent in bed... I slept, we fought, he slept, we fought...  the afternoon wasted away.  The thing is, I am not a fighter.  We never used to fight like this.  It seems that IF has taken its toll on our marriage and is trying its hardest to draw us apart.  Neither of us want that. 

So, amidst all the drama and tension and yuck on Christmas day... we came to some conclusions.  I hope we can learn from this and move on.  I hope this is the start of a new time in our lives.  I'm still processing a lot as I write, so I apologize for the wordiness of this post.  I just never want to experience a day like yesterday EVER again...  I did not know it was possible to have fights that dirty and ugly.  The topic of divorce even crossed our lips... not that either of us want that, we just decided that if things were going to continue the way they had been, we couldn't take it. 

Anyways, here is what I came away with:

- As much as I try to make sure DH is first in my life, he sometimes feels like I care more about having a baby than about his feelings about things.  I can understand this.  In my zeal to get things done, I can trample over feelings, but I always get things accomplished.  I will try to be aware of his feelings at all times.
- DH has been under a lot of stress lately.  He carries other people's burdens and does not know how to handle all the stress sometimes.  The biggest thing I can do to help is to support him... not try to fix things, not try to take off the burden in other areas... just support him.  Care for him, cook for him, clean for him... this is how he knows I love him.
- We need to enjoy our lives more.  I know that sounds silly, but if you've been following me at all, you will see that I have not been happy in the last little while.  And this just kills DH.  His biggest goal in life (okay maybe that's an exaggeration, but close) is to make me happy.  And when I'm not happy... even when it's not his fault... he feels the burden and tries to do whatever he can to make me happy.  When I don't get happy, he gets angry and feels like a failure.  I know it's a bit messed up... but it is something that will take him a while to work on.  In the meantime, I can try to enjoy life a bit more and this will ease his stress and make him happy too. 
- Closely tied to that, I need to find some other areas of support and not count solely on DH to support me.  He is wonderful.  But I think he is struggling with things more than he even realizes and when I burst into tears every time I see a baby or pregnant lady, it just makes him feel more helpless.  There are so many other areas in our life that are good right now.  We have lots going on for us.  We have a house, good jobs, friends and family, the desire to travel, a cute little puppy... we CAN be happy without a baby around.  I know this in my head, but not always my heart.  I want to be happy.  I don't know if it is different for girls and if we have this nurturing instinct that needs to be filled... (DH says I should just nurture the heck out of him!) but I want to be content either way.  It's hard because we live in a small town where people get married when they are 20 and have at least 3 kids by the time they are 25.  There is literally nobody our age who is married without kids.  Nobody.  If we lived in a bigger city this might be easier.  So I don't know how to do this, but I will try.  We will try to find joy in the places we can and not compare our lives to others around us. 
- We still plan to go ahead with IUI if the timing works.  This will not be a "must" in our lives, but we will try to make it work.  This month it does not work with the timing around New Year's, but we'll try for February.  If it doesn't look like we will have a kid by next Christmas, I would like to pursue adoption.  This is the first time that has been a real consideration for me.  I'm not sure how DH feels but I'll give him time to process that.  Also, next Christmas I really want to save up for a trip away.  It is too hard to celebrate Christmas at home without a "family" around. 
- I need to work on being okay when things don't go my way.  This is such a hard one for me...  I have struggled with it as long as I remember.  My plan A is always the most efficient, effective, and I usually take everyone into consideration.  When that doesn't work, plan B is never good enough for me.  And I sulk.  I do this without even realizing it.  I need to get better at it, but I have no idea how.  DH is so flexible and willing to adapt... so much so that I end up taking control without even realizing it.  But I don't want it to be this way.  Oh Lord, help me!
- We need to have faith again.  Both of us are going through a faith crisis and wondering if what we believe is really true.  But we need this faith in order to have hope.  I don't know how to resolve this.  I even prayed yesterday that God would show us a sign... show up in a dream like he did with Mary and Joesph, send something to clearly show us that He is there. 

Well... whew!  That is a lot and such a heavy post for Christmas.  I would be surprised if anyone read this far along.  But thank you for letting me express where I am at.  This is really helpful. 

We are heading to Vancouver for the next few days so I won't be around too much to post.  I'm hoping for a good time just to refresh and get out of the small town and get some perspective. 

With all that said, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  I hope your Christmas was much more uneventful than mine.  :)

A little lonely

I'm feeling a little lonely today now that our friends are gone.  It's nice to be on holidays.  This morning I slept in, went for a run, and did a few chores - all at such a leisurely pace.  It's noon and all I have to do is put a roast in the oven in a little while and put on some rice.  That feels very nice.  But in the quietness, I realize how alone I am feeling.  Not just people alone.  We have some people around us.  We were invited for Christmas dinner tomorrow night and declined.  I think I feel alone because Christmas, to me, is all about family.  At Christmas time, people gather.  There are lots of get-togethers and meals and activities in groups.  It does not involve a single person slaving away in the kitchen alone, but all the family gathered and each pitching in.  Decisions are all joint and there are bound to be disagreements, but that is what family is all about. 

This year I feel the lack of family so strongly.  All of my immediate family is out of the country.  DH's family can't get away for Christmas, and so we are alone.  The sting of infertility is doubled as I imagine what it would be like to have our own child this Christmas.  The sharing of traditions, the joy in watching a child's excitement, even the entertainment of having a baby around...  all of that is void.  And so I try to muster up the appreciation and even some joy for Christmas, but it all falls short. 

Oh Lord, let this be the last year we are alone for Christmas...

Holiday Fun

Today we went for a snowshoe with our pup.  Her little booties didn't last on her feet for long, but she absolutely LOVED the snow!  I had a great time too, even though we didn't go for long.  The past few days have been really nice.  I actually have felt like getting out and doing things again.  Yesterday we had Christmas dinner with our friends who were visiting.  It was wonderful!  I think the turkey was the best I had ever made (I brined it in apple cider overnight).  We ate, and ate, and drank, and ate some more.  We did a little gift exchange (see below) and then watched a movie and snacked some more.  It was a perfect "Christmas" day.  It was really nice to have a friend around who I didn't have to "be" a certain way.  She knows me.  She knows what we are going through, and she handles it perfectly!  She ask how we're doing and all, but doesn't press for information or try to offer silly suggestions.  It was so nice not to have to worry about filtering what I say.  I feel now like we have had a good Christmas just because of this visit.

In other news, I called the fertility clinic today to see when they are open around New Years, because now it just so happens that that will be likely when I am ovulating.  I had not picked up clomid for this month yet but was worried when I saw that I was going to ovulate on a weekend again.  Well, it turns out that they are closed from now until January 3rd!  No warning or nothing for me.  So, I guess we won't be doing IUI this month around.  Yes, I'm disappointed, but in a way this is a nice break from the pressure of everything.  I'm glad to take a break from clomid for this month.  I'm glad to enjoy our wedding anniversary (Dec. 30th) without the pressure of trying to schedule in a procedure right around the time.  I really hope to be able to relax and enjoy this Christmas holidays.  Looks like I'm off to a good start!

About me

For those of you blog-hopping around this week, I was inspired by M at http://alwayswishhopethinkpray.blogspot.com to list 5 random facts about me.
1. I just received my diploma in the mail for graduating with my MA in Counselling Psychology.  Hooray!  The paper makes it so official.
2. I'm kind of a huge homebody.  I love being at home.  I love doing things for my home.  I'm still new to "crafting" but I enjoy knitting, some sewing, baking, canning, and just living in a pretty space.  Maybe I'll show you around my home sometime...
3. I live on Vancouver Island in B.C., Canada.  Honestly, I have traveled the world (okay some of it), and the beauty found here is incomparable.  Seriously, if you have not made it to B.C., you NEED to come!
4. I love outdoor activities.  I'm not a huge extreme sports person, but I like snowshoeing, cross country skiing, canoeing, hiking, biking (only leisurely), etc.  I take a walk at least once a day and that is my time to refresh. 
5. Currently, I am the only member of my family in Canada, though we are all from here.  My parents are in California and getting ready to go to Israel, my little sister lives in Australia, and my little brother (and wife and niece) in Montana.  It's nice to be home for Christmas (our first Christmas in our first home), but sad to have everyone spread so far.  A little lonely here this year.

Well, that's me.  I'd love to get to know you, so feel free to leave some random facts about you.

Tears and Hope

Wow, I just came across an incredible video about infertility.  It sums up everything that I feel and so eloquently describes our journey and the parts that are shared by all who share this struggle.  Enjoy!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Welcome ICLWers

Welcome to the ICLWers who are checking out my blog!  Today marks the first day of the December ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week).  I'm excited to check out some new blogs and hopefully make some new friends in the process :)

For those of you here for the first time, I am Slynn, and my husband and I have been facing unexplained infertility for the past 5 years.  I use this blog mainly to vent, but also to share a bit of who I am and what makes me tick.  Feel free to browse around (not all of the blog is as gloomy as some of the recent posts) and hope you can find something here that resonates with you.  Happy blogging!

The Cycle of Despair

Being a counsellor myself, I tend to analyze what I am going through, possibly more than other people.  I like to be able to put my experiences into little boxes with labels so that I can feel better knowing that I’m not alone in my struggles.  And so, as I was thinking about things last night, I realized that there is a cycle of despair attached to infertility.  It’s similar to the cycles of abuse, or addiction that you might see in the psychological world.  At least this is how it is with me.  I would guess that I am not alone in this cycle and maybe others can find comfort in being a bit more self-aware and realizing what they are going through.

See, every month the cycle starts afresh.  After AF shows up there is a period of mourning, an utter despair and hopelessness.  For myself, there are teary outflows at the strangest times (like on my way into work this morning as I started thinking about my DH’s relatives and what they are doing for Christmas) and grumpy statements (usually to those closest to me).  This may last from a day to a week.  During this time, something switches.  I realize that either I can stay in this despondent state, not enjoying anything really… or I can pick up the reigns and make the decision to try again.  So, I muster up some more hope (though each time it gets harder to do) and start thinking positively – “maybe this month will be THE ONE.”  Staying positive is essential to enjoy the baby dancing routine and any other aspects that go along with “trying” (being pricked with acupuncture needles each week, raging hormones from drugs, sore butts from constant shots, doctors appointment, RE appointments, ND appointments, massage appointment…etc. etc. etc.).  After the fertile window is closed, a new phase of the cycle begins: the stress period (otherwise known as the TWW)!  This is a period of high anxiety, analyzing every tiny twinge/smell/colour/pimple/emotion in the hopes that the tiniest symptom might be remembered and entered on a list of “first symptoms of BFPs” somewhere online.  As this period goes on, anxiety may become higher and higher as hope increases.  There may even be plans that are made or dreamed about (if I did become pregnant this week, I could keep it a surprise and give my DH an extra special gift on Christmas day!!!).  Or, the cycle may start to wind down and head back to despair.  Spotting, unexplained emotional breakdowns, sore back muscles, bloated tummy may only bring a huge wave of disappointment in knowing that AF is on her way.  And when she comes, we’re back to square one and the cycle begins all over again…  And that is the cycle of despair of infertility.

Personally, I think the hardest part is the waiting, once I finally realize that no, I am not pregnant, and these are truly just signs of AF coming to town.  Yes, there sometimes is a tiny ray of hope… what if I AM wrong?  But underneath that hope, I usually know and recognize that I am just trying to trick myself, trying desperately to stop the forces that are already at work within my body bringing on AF.  By the time she does arrive, I am in that place of despair.  I hardly even have any emotion to express… what is the point?  I know it’s just a matter of trying to decide how quickly I want to bounce back up to hope again.  Because I know I will.  It’s my only option.  And so it becomes a matter of timing.  How long do I want to remain down and despondent?  Because once I make the choice to pick up hope, the cycle begins all over again.  This, really, is my only choice in the cycle.  This is the only place where the power and control lies.  The rest is up to nature, up to God, up to the forces of the universe.  And so this crucial point becomes the most disappointing point too.  When the only choice you have is how long to remain miserable, life can become pretty depressing.  But it helps me to recognize this whole cycle and how it affects me personally – to cut myself some slack for how I am feeling at times and know that better times are coming.     

The avoidance post...

I have been avoiding posting this week.  I'm not even quite sure why. 

Maybe it's because I didn't want to trump my happy Christmas post with a downer post of me whining about something or other.  Maybe it's because we have been truly busy getting things in order for the week ahead.  But really, I think it's because I was hoping... hoping... that I might have good, no make that great, news in my next post and I was pondering what I would say if it were true...

But it's not.  At least I don't think it is.  I tested the other day and got a BFN.  It was pretty early though, so I held onto hope.  False negatives are much more common than false positives, right?  Today I am "late" for my normal cycle, but then again clomid messes things up all the time.  I have had a high temperature for 16 days, though it dropped very slightly today (I also had a terrible sleep).  Does that mean my luteal phase is too long?  But then today I started spotting.  Blech!!!!  I mean there's always the hope that I could be one of those lucky ones who actually has implantation bleeding and maybe that is what it really is...  but I've hoped that too many times and it has not happened yet.  And so, I wait.  Expecting AF to show up, not tomorrow, but the next day.  This is the worst part.  Knowing it's coming and desperately wishing you could stop it.  Desperately wishing the hormones hadn't already been triggered inside your body and that, instead, a new life was taking form.  *Le sigh*  And so we start all over again. 

I'm not even sure why I am posting.  This IS a downer post.  I guess I really just want to share what I am feeling when I am feeling it.  Hope that's okay.

The Reason for the Season

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year.  To me, there is so much wrapped up in the entire season.  There is a sense of anticipation, the nostalgia of childhood, much joy and a tender togetherness that you just don't see at other times in the year.  I thought I would share some of the things that make Christmas so special for me.




For me, the season usually starts with the baking - things that can be made head of time and put in the freezer for when the need arises.  As a child I enjoyed baking.  Normally we stuck to the standard sugar cookies and shortbread.  At my grandma's she dug out some of her traditional German recipes, like Pfeffernusse cookies, which we all called dog biscuits, but loved eating.  She also made a dessert called Pluma Mousse, which us kids didn't care for but my parents/aunts/uncles loved.  Nowadays, I do a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  Chocolate crinkle cookies, caramel chocolate shortbread, and of course... chocolate peanut butter squares.  There is something so special about sipping a cup of tea in the morning while it was still dark and the lights of the Christmas tree are the only light in the house (just like I am doing now, apart from the glare of the computer screen).

The next thing on the list is always the Christmas tree.  As long as I can remember, we ALWAYS put up a real Christmas tree.  I only found out recently that my mom hated all the fuss... us kids never let her get away without putting one up.  We would go to the farm to pick one out (or sometimes the grocery store) and bring it back home to let the branches settle.  My dad always put the lights on, which could definitely get the blood boiling when one light decided not to work after the strand was put up...  Then he and my mom would sit back while us kids dug out the decorations and loaded up the tree, complete with tinsel.  I'm sure our tree was quite a sight.  We handmade so many decorations when we were young, and of course had the special "Baby's first Christmas" balls.  I can't wait to put one of those on our tree.  We have kept up the tradition of a real tree.  I think next year we might just do something smaller and simple, but a tree we must have.   The tree is the quintessential Christmas decoration for me.  There is nothing like sitting in a dark room lit only by Christmas lights and the shine of tinsel while Christmas music plays softly in the background... ahhh!

I just love Christmas lights altogether.  I loved driving around to look at them as a kid and I still do today.  In fact, in college, during the crazy week of stressful exams, a group of us would take a break and go look at Christmas lights to let off some steam and refocus our minds.  It was great times.  I am a fan of the simple red and white lights, but I'm a sucker for houses that are way overdone and just make you smile too.  We actually went out last night looking for some nice lights (there's short selection in this town) and started discussing the origin of lighting up your house.  I'm not sure what it is, but (environmental agendas aside) I'm glad for it!

 And then there's the advent calendar.  It's not that I'm so excited about what's inside... but as you know, I'm a sucker for the anticipation of things.  The advent calendar symbolizes the waiting for something greater.  The excitement in checking off the days is the best part of the fun.  When we were kids my aunt gave us a homemade advent calendar and every year my parents would fill it up.  I always loved it!  Buying the ones in the store just never matches up.  This year I made my own to start the tradition again!

Lastly, the most special part of the season for me is the reason we are celebrating.  The birth of Jesus, and all that represents.  When we were growing up our church put on a live nativity play every year.  It was a pretty spectacular event for a small town.  Our church office was on a farm, complete with stables and we would bring in real animals.  We would serve hot chocolate and put on a production that would run about 4x each night over a weekend.  There were lights spotlighted on the angels, a grumpy Jewish in-keeper (usually played by my dad) and a real baby to play Jesus.  The show was attended by probably 800 people and featured in the local newspaper.  One year, when I was about 14, I got to play Mary, the mother of Jesus.  It was such a fun and special role for me.  Every year at Christmas I had this tradition of reading a novel called "Two From Galilee," which was a fictional representation of what the experience was like for Mary.  I loved the magic of it all.  I love the story.  I love the hope it brings.  I love celebrating with our church in a candlelit Christmas Eve service, singing about the hope that we have. 

The writer at "A Little Blog About Big Infertility" wrote a great post about the holidays and she created a rating system explaining where she emotionally spends the holiday (http://alittleblogaboutthebiginfertility.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/happy-holidays/).  I found it to be quite appropriate.  This year is different for me.  I'm going through all the motions and trying to enjoy Christmas like I have in the past.  I still find all these things memorable and special... but I am also a bit weary this year.  We are all alone for Christmas.  No family at all.  I pictured that by now we would be starting all these traditions with OUR own family.  But here we are.  Sometimes this year I am an 8 on the scale...sometimes a 3... but mostly I hang out in the 2-4 range.  I don't want these holidays to be here, but I don't wan them to be over.  2012.  I'm nervous to head into a new year, wondering if it will be as full of disappointment as this one was.  I think this past year was the hardest in our journey so far.  On one hand, it will be nice for it to be over.  But the unknown is scary too.

Either way, I can't stop it from coming and I can't stop life from moving forward.  I can't stop my close friend from having her first baby within the next month.  And I can't control the timing for my own pregnancy.  Christmas is a week away.  I hope to enjoy this time and create memories, even if they are not the memories I was hoping to create.  I wish those of you who are in this struggle with me a Merry Christmas too.  I encourage you to search for that hope... maybe it won't be found in the arms of your own baby right now... but look to another baby who was born over 2000 years ago bringing hope to a world that is lost and in despair.  He is the reason for the season.  It is true!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Symptoms?

Of course during the 2ww every little twinge and nudge is highly overanalyzed, but... at the same time, if I were to end up pregnant on this cycle I know I'll want to remember the first signs.  I'm currently on day 22, 8dpo (or so we guessed)  So, here is what I am experiencing that may, or may not be, out of the ordinary (sorry for the technicalities):
- Tiredness!  Maybe it's just this time of year that everyone is tired, or maybe it's my low WBC levels... but I am finding myself tired way earlier than normal.  By 9:00 at night I am yawning like crazy.  I even texted my husband at 10:00 last night from the bed because I didn't want to go downstairs to get him.
- Sore back/neck - just on my right side especially
- Quite a bit of pressure in my lower abdomen.  After the cramping stopped I was okay for a few days but now feel a bit of pressure now and then (especially at night).  Hopefully that is not cysts from hyperstimulated ovaries, but apparently that is rarer with clomid.
- All week I've woken up at 3:30 and have to pee sooo bad.  Also, when my bladder is full I feel more pressure down in the uterine area.  After I pee I go back to bed and have to pee again really bad when I wake up at 7:30.  That is not normal (maybe I'm drinking more before bed, but I don't think so...)
- CM discharge, sticky and white (not usual for this point in the cycle).  I hear this could be due to high progesterone levels (hooray! and sorry if TMI)
- Today for the first time I have a headache and I NEVER get headaches.  ?
- Every morning I wake up feeling like I was run over by a truck.  Again, that is not out of the ordinary - I find mornings to be tough lately.  Not quite sure what is up with that.

Anyways, that's where I'm at.  I am not really expecting anything to be different this month, and not really thinking I am pregnant, BUT if I'm not... I think it is going to be a hard month (especially because it'll be just before Christmas).  

Baby dust to all!

What a girl wants

I thought I'd do a quick little update since I hadn't posted in a while.  This week was pretty busy and I am wiped from it all.  DH's 30th birthday was on Thursday and his brother and his girlfriend came to town for the weekend.  So, first of all, getting the house ready and entertaining guests (girlfriend we have only met once) was one thing.  Then, on Friday I threw a huge "Dirty 30's" party with a dirty moustache theme.  It was really fun, although I am having a hard time enjoying anything these days....  We rented a karaoke machine and spent the night singing our hearts out, eating cake and goodies, and playing some moustache themed games and poker.  However, it was simply exhausting!  Yesterday was just a recovery day.  I felt like I didn't really do much at all, besides party cleanup, taking the dog to the beach and knitting by the Christmas tree.  Today was our busy Sunday and that brings me to now.

As for me, I'm pretty sure clomid has more than hormone-altering chemicals in it!  I think it also contains "let's make you super depressed and take away all your energy while you gain weight (or have a heck of a time keeping it off)" drugs, which I am not enjoying!  The moodiness was one thing, but I could handle that.  But the depression is something different altogether.  I don't know if it is a result of the drugs, or just the toll of infertility really hitting me.  Whatever it is, it sucks and I don't know what to do about it.  I just keep hoping and praying that I'll magically be pregnant.  (On a note, I really can't tell if my current "symptoms" are out of the ordinary or not.  Sometimes a bit of a tug in my abdomen, but that has died down, breakout, extremely tired, and more CM than normal... one more week and we'll find out for sure).

People say the holidays are tough.  This is the first year I've really understood that.  We don't have much money for presents.  My parents have left town and we won't have any family around.  Our best friends are having their whole family come, and then due to have a baby shortly after so they will be extremely preoccupied.  And all I really, really want is to have our OWN family for the holidays.  I don't know how we'll get through.  Our exchange student will be here and his sister is visiting so we plan to show them a true Canadian Christmas.  But I really don't even want to.  I want to sit in my misery and not be bothered.  I don't know what I really want if I can't have the one thing I want...

Groovy!

Groovy!  I just won a prize from Mel over at Stirrup Queens (http://www.stirrup-queens.com/) for entering my blog in the Yearly Creme de la Creme list.  Thanks Mel (and to Jen over at http://herewegoajen.com/about/ for providing the prize I chose!)  If you want to checkout what Creme de la Creme is and sign up your blog, you can enter here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/10/the-yearly-creme-de-la-creme-list-is-now-open/

I'm also participating in International Comment Leaving Week this month.  That's what the new icon is on the right hand side of the page.  Click on it if you're interested in more information and would like to participate too.  This seems like a great way to get to know some more fellow bloggers. 

Hope among other things

Just wanted to update and say that things are feeling much more under control today.  I'm hoping and praying that the little swimmers will reach my egg and do their job!  Haha, it sounds so funny to me to even write something like that in a place that others will see... but it's the truth.  I actually even did visualizations this time and am sending lots of positive energy thoughts to myself, haha.  Hey, I figure it can't hurt and maybe will help.  I feel a bit hopeful about this month.  I am still processing the big fight DH and I had on the weekend, but I feel like it was a turning point.  We reached a point, even just for a moment, of feeling like we should just give up trying altogether.  DH was actually surprised that I went back for bloodwork the next day, because he thought we were just scrapping it for this month.  I went back though, because I felt a bit of a release emotionally and I just thought, "what if this IS the month?"  I wanted to make sure the proper steps had been taken if it were.  Then after that, we just had fun.  I don't think I'm at a point where I can completely give up trying, but last week was such a low of scrambling around trying to make everything work perfectly... and it was EXHAUSTING!  That is essentially what we fought about.  Of course DH is going to feel pressure when I am controlling every last detail of our lives in this regards.  I know it is the only way I know how to deal with this situation, but still... it maybe isn't actually helping all that much.  That's hard for me even to write actually.  And I don't know how to "fix" it.  I don't know how to change.  I don't know if I really want to.  But what I do want is to live this next month stress-free.  I want to enjoy the Christmas holidays with my husband, and our friends and family.  I don't want to be worried all about baby stuff.  I want to just relax.  It's hard, and I know there are still unresolved hurt feelings, but I am making an effort to be positive. 

In other news, all last night/this morning I felt little twinges in my abdomen, kind of like little bubbles.  I don't want to overanalyze anything, but maybe that is some sort of good sign?  Hoping and praying!!! 

Oh, and one last comment... I think the thing I am dreading most about being pregnant is the STUPID conversations people have with you.  My one friend J is pregnant and everywhere we go people ignore me and only talk to her about her baby.  It's like I'm not even there!  They never ask her about any other areas of life, only about how she's feeling, how her clothes are fitting, how tired she is, how big the baby is, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. etc. etc.  It drives me crazy!  No wonder so many moms lose their identity in their baby.  If that is all that we can expect to talk to pregnant ladies about, how can we expect them to remain contributing members of society after the baby is born???  If/when I am pregnant, I plan to always turn the conversation around on anyone who asks me those idiotic questions and engage in a REAL conversation about REAL life!  There, that's my rant for the day.

Taking a day off

Today I am skipping church and taking a day off for me.  There is quite a sense of guilt for skipping out on my hubby.  Sunday is his big day and I don't want him to think I don't support him.  But after this week, I really really needed today.  I need some time alone in our house.  I need to gather my thoughts and prepare for the week ahead.  I need to relax and enjoy the stillness of our house setup for Christmas.  Starting next weekend we may have company until after Christmas.  Not all of it is high-stress company, and one group of friends isn't staying with us but will be in town, so it won't be stressful.  I am really looking forward with spending some time with visitors.  I find it helps to enjoy our city and the things there are to do here.  But, as mentioned before, I have been feeling like our house is just out of order, and that has been bugging me.  So, this morning I am puttering around a little and doing those things that I can't get done while DH is around.  I even, after walking the dog this morning, cleaned out the garage and got it all organized for winter (putting down the deck carpet so that the ground wouldn't be so cold to walk on, making a bin to keep veggies in during the cold, organizing wood).  I feel good to be under control a bit more. 

But right now I am sitting, sipping a latte and eating white chocolate biscotti (yum!) in the light of the Christmas tree.  This is pure bliss. 

Some resolution

I am doing better, just in case anyone was worried.  Made up with DH and attributed some of it to my crazy level of hormones.  Went for bloodwork again today and my estriadol level was HIGH!  2784 and normal for this stage in the cycle is between 230 and 1310.  Good ol' clomid!

None of the issues have really been "resolved" yet... I don't know if we can make it through this whole journey of IF.  Maybe we should just give it up.  Sometimes I wish I could just forget about it and move on with life.  Stop the stressing, and hoping, and dreaming and thinking...

Just wanted to check in and let you know everything is alright.  I actually had a nice day today.  We got a Christmas tree and I put up all the decorations.  I'll try load a picture later on.  Goodnight for now!

Not for Christmas

Worst day EVER yesterday.  I'm still processing and trying to figure out how I'm feeling, so I'll make this short and give you the facts.  Went for my day 11 bloodwork to see if my LH surge was on its way (went early because it's falling over a weekend).  Waited all day, but was pretty sure that I was on my way to the surge.  Did a pee test (which never work), and had a very faint line.  Received a call from the Dr. last night saying that I had not surged yet, but my levels were elevated and he expected I would surge tomorrow.  BUT... the clinic is closed on Sundays (or at least they don't do IUI on Sundays), so he told me to "have intercourse on Sunday and we'll check back in the New Year." 

Not only have I been planning my whole month around this treatment...  not only have I been taking crazy fertility drugs that mess up my whole life.... not only have I been drinking disgusting TCM medicine... not only have I been paying for weekly acupuncture... not only have I been graciously hanging out with my friend who is 8 1/2 months pregnant and really hoping I would get pregnant before her baby is born... but NOW I can't even go through with the plan for this month.  And I'm all about the plan. 

So, needless to say, I was pissed.  Then we had to go to a STUPID Christmas banquet where people that should not have kids (seriously, they can't even afford to feed and heat these kids and continually ask for handouts for the kids, and then go get knocked up again!) let these monsters run around disrupting everything. 

And then we came home and after watching a movie "tried" to have sex.  We should do it today and Friday, to make sure things are running smoothly and just in case my surge started to come last night.  Well, somehow (maybe I'll get into it later) that turned into a HUGE fight, in which I even left the house at 1:30am in pajama pants and a tank top and bare feet and rubber boots and drove around the block.

That hasn't been resolved yet.  I was up first thing today to do another blood test (not sure it's even necessary, but I did it).  And now I get to go make-up with DH.  I think this is the bottom of the low.  I hate infertility. 

So there's my heart bared for you all to see (and I know I'm to blame and have my own things to work through, but still... this is where I am at). 

Anyone have any suggestions???

Blogworld

Well, I just had myself added to the infamous blogroll over at Stirrup Queens list of blogs (otherwise known as: "the Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer."  If you're looking for some reading on the topics I discuss here, you can find a whole slew of them on her blog.  It is pretty cool to see how much support and how many others are going through the same thing.  There are also a lot of success stories, which I find super helpful in those low moments.

You can find the list here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/

I also submitted my blog to the Creme de la Creme list that she hosts each year.  You can find information on that here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/10/the-yearly-creme-de-la-creme-list-is-now-open/

In other news, still just waiting!  I'm planning to call in on Friday and see if I can start my LH bloodwork then.  I'm just scared that I will miss it if I wait too long.  I haven't had much luck with the urine LH tests but I am going to give them a try this week too.  Hopefully in a few days we'll be on our way to the city for some planned baby-making times!  Haha.

Dreaded day 5

I can't back this up with evidence, but I am pretty sure my hormones take a super plummet right near the end of my period, right around day 5.  Combine that with day 3 of clomid, and you do not want to mess with me!  This also happens to fall on a Saturday.  Now I love Saturdays.  But lately, with the way our life has been, I work, work, work like mad to have everything done so that I can actually enjoy my Saturday off.  But no matter how hard I try, it just isn't enough.  There is ALWAYS something more to be done.  I think this is the way that life just is.. but I suck at it.  I find it so hard to dump everything and go and "have fun" knowing that I have to come back to a pile of work to do.  I would much rather work hard, finish everything early and THEN go play and have fun.  Also the last few Saturdays because I have been working so hard, I find I kind of crash on Saturday.  And when I try to have fun, I don't. 

Such is the place I am in today.  I don't want to see anybody, do anything, or even crawl out of my bed.  And yet I want to enjoy my one day off and have fun but it's like I can't.  Is it this crazy mix of hormones, or is it me?  I can't really tell anymore... 

Friday night

Friday night!  It's a homemade pizza, sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and knitting Christmas presents kind of night.  I've been fighting a bit of a bug all week and am just wiped today.  I hoped to accomplish lots of errands and things, but everything took way too long and I was not feeling good.  Oh well.  Tomorrow is a no agenda day so hopefully I can catch up!

I did go in for acupuncture today, with my original ND and not the TCM doctor.  I figure it is more comfortable for me, and I like her a lot.  Day 4 of cycle, clomid started... now lets get those eggs growing!

Baby on the mind...

I really don't know how I am going to make it through this month!  Ever since our appointment, and even more since our decision to go ahead with IUI this month, I can't stop thinking about it!!!  I came across an endearing story from Infertile Girl over at http://joysofinfertility.com/ who went into a lengthy description of her IVF cycle when asked how her eggs were, when the person asking was only asking how the deviled eggs she was eating were!   I completely understood.  It is consuming me.  And I haven't even gone through the procedure or started the dreaded 2ww.  How am I going to survive???

Now I am stressing because AF came early!  This means that day 12, when I start daily bloodwork to look for LH surge, is on a Saturday.  That is fine, but if there is no surge on the Saturday, I am supposed to test on Sunday... but there is no lab open in our town on Sunday.  I can't drive 3 hours just to have bloodwork to see if I'm ovulating!  I will have to try using the home ovulation tests, but I have never been able to have success with them (maybe I'm just not doing them right).  And, if I do have the LH surge on Saturday, that means we have to go on Sunday for the procedure, but Sunday is DH's busiest day!  We couldn't leave until after church and then we'd have to get someone to cover our evening study too.  I haven't told DH this yet... I think it will stress him out.  If ovulation takes longer, then I am going to have to miss work for a day, which isn't a big deal but I'll have to call in sick even though I don't really get sick days.  Aaahh!!!  I called the clinic today to see their recommendation (the dr. had told me to call if day 12-14 fell over a weekend) and all they said was wait until we get to then and we'll see.  We'll see?!?!?!  I am a planner.  I need to know what is coming!  I'm not good at, "we'll see." 

Oh well, it won't be so bad, and it's really not that far away.  Like, really not far at all.  And I feel strangely hopeful about this, but then I feel mixed too because I don't want to get my hopes up.  Basically, I see it this way.  We haven't been able to conceive on our own for a number of years.  There is nothing visibly wrong that the doctors can find.  I'm ovulating, DH's sperm is fine, we do it on the right days and so on.  But somewhere, his little guys aren't quite making it to my lady egg, you know what I mean?  Or they are, and she is not accepting them, or deciding not to implant or something.  So, I feel really positive like if IUI is going to work, it will work right away.  The thing is, if it's not going to work, I don't know what we're going to do next.  This is kind of it.  If it doesn't work, I'm just not sure.  And so for now, I will keep hoping and praying.  And try not to think about it until I have to.

Creme de la Creme

So I submitted my first blog to a "contest" (if you can call it that) of the Yearly Creme de la Creme blogs for infertility.  I thought I'd mention it so that if you are interested, you can too.  You can find information on it here: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/10/the-yearly-creme-de-la-creme-list-is-now-open/

I also hope to add my blog to the blogroll because more exposure means more support and friends gained!  I see there have been a few more visitors lately and I'd love to get to know you too.  Feel free to send me a note, or leave a comment sharing a bit about your journey.  We can't get through this alone!

In other news, my old friend aunt flo decided to show up today - earlier than anticipated.  That got us into a bit of a flurry of activity and decision making.  But the verdict is in... we are going to try IUI this month!!!  It's a busy time and we have lots going on, but we figure... what do we have to lose? (apart from the money, which is a bit of a stress but that's another story)  It will never be the "perfect time" to try, and if there were a great time to get pregnant, this would be it (though again, any time would be fine with us).  It will be a bit tricky to navigate around work stuff and all, but we'll just do it.  We'll call in sick if we have to (I havne't told anyone at work about it yet).  The only problem would be if the day fell on a Sunday, but we'll just hope it doesn't... At this point, I should ovulate around the 5th of December. Hopefully I can get in for my day 12 bloodwork on the Saturday (I think our lab is open on Saturday) and if all is well we could head back to the city on Monday or Tuesday.  That is soooo soon!!!!  DH's 30th birthday is on Dec. 8th, so we are hoping this does not interfere with his festivities but how cool would it be to conceive THIS MONTH! 

Anyways, I am at work and should really not be blogging... so I will keep you posted!

First Fertility Clinic Visit!

Well, we just came back from our first official fertility clinic visit!  Actually it was yesterday, but we decided to make a "weekend" out of it and spent 2 nights in the city.  See, we actually live 3 hours away from the city with the clinic.  So, up until this point, I have only seen my MD and Gynecologist doctor (not sure what the abbreviation is for that).  Part of me regrets that I didn't go to a fertility clinic earlier.  I guess I really did not know what my options were.  And in the past 5 years we have moved to 3 different cities.  I started my IF journey in a city where the doctor told us we had to be "trying" for a year before we could be seen (even though we had been trying for a year at that point).  We moved shortly after and I started blood work and saw a ND but was never referred to anything more.  It wasn't until we moved to this city a year ago that I found out about my options and finally got the referrals going.  So... that brings us to now.

The visit was good, I guess.  I think it was pretty much what I expected.  DH and I were both quite nervous going in, and we had to wait over a half hour (doctor was late), which didn't help.  On top of that (which I found out afterwards), while we were in the waiting room a couple came out who DH knows.  I had seen him put his head down and I thought, "wow, he must just be really embarrassed by this" but I found out later that he knew the guy and didn't want to have awkward small talk.  The thing is, they are from the same city as us... crazy hey?  When we arrived there was a single girl in the waiting room and she saw the doctor first and came out with packages in her arms and was brought to the "other" side of the clinic (where they do procedures I think).  While we were there another older single lady came in, and then a couple with a little boy.  It was a really small waiting room and so we were just quiet and waited.  Finally it was our time to go in! 

The doctor was nice.  He was clearly a doctor and just cut to the chase, but he was nice.  He did a full medical history of me and then looked at all our labs.  Then he wanted to do an exam on me.  I decided to leave DH behind (with his approval) because I knew the Dr. would be looking "down there" and that DH would be VERY uncomfortable with it, haha.  So the Dr. examined me, and then did an internal ultrasound (which was a little weird and a bit painful when he pushed to the sides, but kind of cool because I got to see my uterus and ovaries and he could tell the ovary that I had just ovulated from).  He said that my uterine lining was perfect for where I was at in my cycle.  And then he did a tummy ultrasound too.  And that was it for the exam.

Back in his office, we started to discuss options.  He told us that we, "should have been pregnant by now" and that he had no idea why it wasn't working.  We talked about all the stages that go into conceiving and how something was going wrong somewhere along the line.  He said that my last FSH test was in the normal range, but slightly low so he wants me to test that again.  Then we talked about IUI.  With people like us, they like to do 3 tries at IUI before doing IVF.  Since we haven't conceived in 5 years our chances are lower, but it could be the solution.  He gave DH some blood tests to do too.  Then we got the instructions... start taking clomid on day 3, go for bloodwork on day 3, go back on day 12 and get bloodwork done and call them that afternoon to see what the results are... and then once ovulation hits, get our butts back to the city for the IUI.  Crazy!  We could start this month and since I'm on day 23, that could be VERY SOON!  DH is worried because we don't know exactly what day we'd have to go back to the city, and there are some days he has to be at work.  That is the suckiest part of things.  I'd like to try this month.  If we did conceive, it just might be on DH's 30th birthday and that would mean we would be PG for CHRISTMAS!  How incredible would that be?  But I can't get ahead of myself here... we haven't even decided for sure that this is what we would like to do...  And there is only a small chance it might work...  And maybe now is not the best time... 

Anyways, I'd love to write more but I have to go to a BD party tonight and just got back and have not unpacked and am really tired and need to change and get myself in order for the night...

Survived!

I survived.  I made it through the day without even a cry and I feel pretty good about the whole day.  The shower tonight was really laid-back.  The only "game" we played was that we had a whole bunch of old onesies and a ton of craft supplies and we each had to pick a onesie and "re-make" it with fabric, paints, bows, ribbons, buttons, etc.  We spent most of the night "crafting" and then did presents and that was it.  I had a fun time!  Hooray, there is a success for me!

Baby Shower Extravaganza

So today is the day.  2 baby showers in one day.  They are both unavoidable and I have been mentally preparing myself for them for weeks.  Well, last week I considered faking sick for the day…

The first one was here at work, during work time (over a potluck lunch) and so there was not really a way for me to say no.  It was not so bad because we just ate lunch and she opened the presents (It was for the girl who I have taken over maternity leave for, so I really don’t know her well.  Luckily, someone else wanted to go in on a gift certificate so that covered the gift for me).  The one this evening is a surprise one for the girl who is one of my best friends here.  I am really happy for her (honest) and I want to support her, but lately it has just been a bit harder, since she is really showing and all the conversation around her centers on talk about her baby.  Anyways, I feel pretty emotionally strong right now, and I also told another friend about our struggle so that she can support me tonight too, so I think it will be okay (and maybe even a bit of fun?).

On another note, I saw my counsellor again this week (she is just fantastic for me) and we had a good discussion about experiencing pain.  I was coming to realize that I don’t like to experience pain (who really does?) so much that I pretend it’s not really there.  Or I basically live two lives.  It became obvious to me as I was thinking about this blog and the things that I write about.  I am completely transparent here, but most of what I write is not known to anybody, except those who read this blog.  Furthermore, a lot of the emotions and things that I express on this blog are NOT feelings that I would ever truly express in real life.  Now that is a big disconnect between how I am truly feeling, and how I act.  I think it is probably more exhausting for me in trying to compartmentalize what I feel than letting my true feelings shine out once in a while.  So that is the journey that I am on.  I have no idea how to really start to reconcile the two “parts” of me, but I think it will be a big burden off of me when I do.  I don’t think I necessarily need to start blabbing about my problems to everyone I meet, but I do want to start to be more honest when asked about having kids, my current struggles, my life plan, etc.  So even telling this one other friend today was a big deal.  Baby steps, right?

I’d be curious, of anyone reading this blog, how did you make your journey public, and not just a private affair?  How do you let your feelings show without letting them rule (I don’t want to come across as an angry, bitter person…yet at the same time I AM angry about what is going on…)? 

I did it!

I did it!  I quit my job.  It was the hardest thing ever, but I did it.  I think that what I am feeling now is a sense of relief (though there may be a twinge of regret for the unknown part of things).  My supervisor was very understanding.  She also really didn't want me to leave, and tried to convince me to stay... but ultimately, she was very good.  She even spoke about having that "gut" feeling that something is not right for you, even when your brain may try to convince you of all the reasons that it is right.  And that pretty much sums me up. She wants me to keep in touch, in case the timing ever does work out for me to come there again.  But I know that now is not that time.  I wish it were.  I would like to make a ton of money and pay off my student loan... but all in time.

So for now, back to the good life of a 3 day work week.  And we'll see what is next.

Hosting... and the most stressful week ever!

(Warning: This post was NOT edited and is actually one big vent session)

Grrr!  It has been a terribly long, draining, stressful, exhausting, emotional kind of week.  And tonight just capped it off.

Hosting is one of my favorite things to do.  But I think I'm just going to have to give it up.  As of now, I just realized that we have ZERO non-baby/kid friends in the valley.  Apart from the college kids that kick around here sometimes, ALL of the couples we know are now either pregnant or already have kids... except for one couple that is moving away.  Even the couple who didn't have kids and we knew were struggling with infertility (though they had not told us, someone else had) is now pregnant (though they still did not tell us either).  And so a nice, relaxing potluck that was supposed to be a chance to come down after a long week turned into a night filled with screaming kids (there were only 2, but they were so loud!) and talk of all the woes of pregnancy.  I had to actually walk away from the table at one point and pretend to busy myself in the kitchen.  Actually, for most of the night I tried to "busy" myself as much as I could.  It just was not any fun at all.

As a pastoral couple, we are expected to spend time with people, and I grew up "watching" my mom and dad invite people into our house.  It's what I just love to do.  I am way more comfortable having someone over and setting up the house, preparing the meal and doing the dishes than going somewhere where I don't know what to expect.  But now I do not even enjoy having people into my home.

It probably didn't help that the week was so terrible and DH and I got into the HUGEST fight right before everyone came over.  I started a new job this week.  So, on top of an already-busy work week at my regular job (which had a few crises and highly intense moments), and on top of picking up the slack because DH hurt his back and couldn't walk the dog all week, and on top of saying goodbye to my crazy parents who are starting their shangra-la, mid-life-crisis, abandon all responsibility, travelling circus of a sabbatical...  I started a new job.  And it is intense.  And it is hard.  And I feel under-qualified.  And I don't like the setting, or the people, or the bureaucracy (it's a government job).  And it's the job I have always wanted to do, or so I thought.  And did I mention it's intense?  And it's really amazing pay.  And it's great experience both for learning and my resume.  And... and... and...

So, to sum it up, I worked my first day and came home really uncertain of if this job was a good fit for me right now.  The job is sort of what I expected, but I like it way less than I expected.  It feels like a lot of work and like it would take a lot of emotional resources.  And so we discussed the pros and cons of me taking it, and as much as I would love to do this job, we just both felt like maybe it's too much to take on right now.  But I felt like it wasn't fair for me to make such a quick judgement call, so I decided to go in today to give it one more shot.  Well, I decided that when I got to work, because I was really, really, really scared of telling them I couldn't do it.  I had already signed my life away, and met pretty much everyone in the office, and been given a key, and so on.  And I really just HATE quitting something.  Actually, I'm the total opposite and would rather take on EVERYTHING.  So I knew it would be really hard to walk in there and quit.  So, I texted my friend and she told me to get through today and evaluate over the weekend, which I thought was great advice.  So I got through today.  And I still didn't like the job by the end of the day and actually felt so stressed out.  (I also forgot to mention that I was so stressed out all last night that I clenched my jaw like crazy and had a huge headache and woke up exhausted today).

Anyways (wow, this is a much longer vent than I planned on writing) when I got home DH got mad at me for being so stressed out and "not listening to his opinion" and it just escalated and was no good.  The thing is, up until today he didn't have an opinion and was all like, "I'll support you in whatever you decide, etc."  And I didn't "not" listen to his opinion.  I definitely took his opinion to heart and had wanted him to tell me what he thought I should do.  I agreed with him even.  But I was having such a hard time implementing the decision and so decided to give it a bit more time for me to evaluate and be sure of it.  And so, right as we were at the pinnacle of the fight, it was time for everyone to come.

I don't even remember where I was going with this post.  Just that the night was "kid-filled" and no fun, and I was asked by the new couple we invited if we were going to have kids (they are a mixed couple, she is Korean and he is white) too.  And now DH is still mad at me.  And I'm burnt out.  And I have to quit my job on Monday.  And it's the worst week EVER!

The Silence of Suffering

I like my dog but... she is not that great with toddlers yet.  It's not that she doesn't like them - she just doesn't quite understand what they are yet, and tries to lunge at them and nip...  So, when we were at the park playing with the other dogs and a little toddler starting coming towards us, I leashed her up.  The man next to me asked me about it, and when I explained he asked if I have any kids.  When I said "no," his immediate reply was, "Well, you should really get started on that!"

It's comments like that that make this struggle so hard.  I was talking to my DH about the "olden days" back in Bible times when they didn't have things like birth control.  If a married woman did not have any children after a little while, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that something was up.  Nowadays, however, it's not that obvious.  Those of us who are infertile are not seen outwardly as different than those who are choosing not to have kids.  And so innocent seeming comments can hurt so much more.  We are silent sufferers.  Infertility is not an open, discuss in broad daylight kind of topic.  And I think silent suffering is the hardest part.  I wish I could just tell everyone about it.  I just have no idea how to let my suffering be known...  It's also not just mine to share, but my husband's as well.  I think for guys there can be more a sense of shame, for some reason or other.  I just wouldn't want to cause my DH to feel any worse about it than he already does (though nothing has been confirmed to be a problem on his end either).  Blah!

In other news, I did see a counsellor today.  It was actually a really good experience and I plan to go back.  It was cathartic, which I needed... but it also I think affected me deeper and spurred on some needed change.  I want to be more aware of my emotions, and not feel the need to suppress the ones I'm scared of and don't like.  As a counsellor I know to do this, but it's not necessarily something I am good at.  The TCM doctor told me that my struggle may be more emotional and the "bottling up" of emotions within me.  I never thought I was a "bottler" but then I never even knew what anger truly was, or remember feeling sad, or other emotions I thought were "bad" when I was little.  I'm not sure if that was just learned behavior from my parents (I think part of it was for sure) or something more, but it's something that has stuck with me.  I'm not just trying this as yet another thing to "try" in hopes of making this work, but I think there may be validity in it.  I don't know if I'll go back to the acupuncturist.  I just really don't like acupuncture.  My last treatment was super painful.  I think she is one of the doctors who thinks that if there is some sort of blockage, she has to dig the needle in deeper to "break though" the blockage.  That just bloody hurt!  The whole experience was way more stressful than I think it should have been.  It left a bruise in my belly even.  Who bruises their belly?  I did burst into tears at one point, and she told me it was good for me to release my inner emotions.  Yet, I do that on almost a daily basis lately, it seems.  Anyways, she did order some herbs for me to help with "spleen" blockage, so I will pick those up and give them a try. 

My best friend since I was 6 years old is coming to visit tomorrow.  I warned her that I was a stress case right now, but I am really excited to see her!  I'll try to keep my clomid induced tears and meltdowns to a minimum. 

For Fun

Just came across an awesome blog and post that made me laugh like crazy!  Happy reading.

http://joysofinfertility.com/2011/but-thats-the-fun-part-right.php#comment-133

TCM and Acupuncture

Well, I visited another TCM practitioner today.  I specifically wanted to check about traditional chinese medical herbs.  Let me back up a bit to fill in some things that have happened in the last month or so. 

First of all, I met my new baby niece for the first time.  The visit actually went pretty well.  I didn't have any major meltdowns like I expected.  She was sweet but still a bit too little to have much personality, so I didn't feel like I bonded terribly to her (which was just fine).  The hardest part about the visit was being around my parents.  I don't know why, but it just made me incredibly mad seeing them act as grandparents.  I felt like my dad wasn't being authentic and was just saying things that he thought he should say - cheesy jokes about being a grandfather and how his granddaughter was the best thing ever.  It just annoyed me.  Anyways, got through that and started the new job and have been spending time adjusting to it all.

In other news, did I mention about DH's cousin?  I recently found out that she has been struggling with infertility as well.  And then she heard about this TCM doctor in Oregon who specializes with infertility and who actually offers a money back guarantee if you don't get pregnant within the year.  She went to see him and was diagnosed with a cold uterus.  She started on some chinese herbs and actually became pregnant right away.  However, she had a miscarriage and lost the baby before she was very far.  DH's mom had offered to take me to see this doctor, but after we found out about the miscarriage we weren't sure what to think.  I decided that I still would like to pursue the route of TCM because I've heard of a lot of success with it.  So today I went to talk to a doctor here in town to see if she could help.  She asked me a lot of questions and then did an acupuncture treatment and massage.  She said that my case was hard to diagnose (mainly because nothing really seems wrong), but during acupuncture she talked about spleen qi blockage and too much heat in my abdomen.  My stomach is pretty sensitive and ticklish (isn't everyone's?) and she said that means that the energy was blocked and not getting through there.  I really don't know.  I'm still not sure I fully buy everything she said, but the acupuncture was kind of nice.  She did way more needles than the ND usually does.  I started to get a bit anxious part-way through and told her, and then as I was talking about it I started crying.  She said it was good because I was releasing emotion.  After the treatment she did a massage on my abdomen.  I felt really good after, like I had a huge emotional release.   And I was really tired too.  She said I should come back next week and that she did have a formulation that would help to release the energy in my abdomen.  I just don't know.  I never like acupuncture while it is happening, and I don't know if I feel way different after, but I feel like I am doing SOMETHING!  I'm sure that energy release is never a bad thing (if in fact it is working).  I don't know.  Has anyone had experience with acupuncture and found it helpful? 

Blogging

I am still what would be considered "new" to blogging and, as you can tell, still do not blog on a regular basis. But what I am stuck up on is how to "get followers" for my blog? And let me say right away that it is not that I want the fame or fortune that comes with having followers (which is something I don't get to tell you the truth). What I am looking for is meaningful exchange of ideas and support through this medium. I'm just not quite sure how to find it. I think I will try to expand my blog a bit and work on attracting other audiences too. I probably should check back on things a bit more often too... But if anyone has any tips, I would be very glad to hear them! Maybe I will start to advertise my blog with some friends and that too... I just should read through and make sure that there is nothing I don't want others to come across (esp. about DH for his own privacy too).

Anyways, things on this front have been in transition yet going well. I have started my new job (almost a month there now), and found the adjustment was actually quite tough. I was working both jobs for a while, and then trying to get used to the extra time off (which I promptly filled with all sorts of projects and things to the point that Thanksgiving weekend was actually exhausting!). I am finally now getting into a better schedule of things. And now I'm trying to decide if I should take on a bit more work that has been offered to me (an awesome opportunity) or if that will get in the way of other things that are more important too. I hope the next month will be really settling into the routine of things. I'll try to post a few pics at the end of this post, just to update you on what I've been up to.

This is a shot of our recent time at Long Beach, Tofino. If you've never been, you just have to go!

And here is a picture of our dog and my baby niece I just met recently:

And a project I took up this weekend - picking and dealing with the apples from our tree. Made a dozen litres of applesauce and apple cider. Yum!

Guilty as charged...

Guilt. I recently realized that this is something that I am carrying with me on this journey of infertility. Not a guilt that I have done something wrong. And not a guilt that I am somehow inferior. But a guilt and shame that cannot be easily described. This is why we have not told many people about our struggles. I feel like naming it implies somehow that we are not _____(fill in the blank) enough. Not good enough. Not trying enough. Not well enough. Not stress-free enough. Not enough.

I hate this disease. I hate that we have to grieve in secrecy. I hate all the stupid comments insensitive people make. I hate not knowing how to deal with the emotional consequences, and not even know where to go or who to go to...

I just found a site and read an article on unexplained infertility that I really appreciated. It described me. Maybe this will be of some hope to someone else too.

http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/unexplained-infertility.html

Ferritin up = good!

I guess a lot has happened since I last posted. I've been wanting to post for a while, but not felt like I had too much to say... and I was feeling lazy about posting and more like I would rather spend time on other areas of my life. Here's the scoop. I got the job! Starting Sept. 14th, I will be working as a therapist on a maternity leave position. It is a great job, great experience, and great timing. I am ready to be done my current job. The people are great, but the job is sometimes boring. This new job is only 3 days per week, and yet I'll be making double what I was making before. That is pretty good to me. Gives me more time to focus on other priorities in life too (which I really need to do right now).

So, DH is away right now on a week-long camping/hiking (intense trail hiking) trip. I really didn't want him to go. I didn't know how I would make it through this week without him. However, I seem to be doing pretty well so far. I actually found that when he left, I felt like a weight lifted and I became SUPER excited about some time alone! I feel like I just haven't had time alone at our house for a long time. We came back from holidays, which were pretty "people" full, I work with people, and when I come home, DH is always there (which is great, but sometimes I just need some time alone). So, I've taken on crazy amounts of projects and organizing getting "ready" for fall and the coming of a student, and visiting bro and sis-in-law (and new baby niece). I am actually crazy excited to meet my (first) baby niece in a few days. Somehow, I just feel like it will be a therapeutic time. I am pretty sure I will bawl my eyes out when I meet her (and maybe other times after that), but I already know there will be a connection and I cannot wait to see her, and hold her, and cuddle her!

Now, as for me... 2nd round of clomid did not seem as bad. Actually, I did not feel nearly as "crazy" as the first time around. Maybe holidays and everything helped with that. And now I'm in "new job mode" so that is driving my mood a bit more. The last few days is when I felt the most moody and emotional. Other than that, it's been pretty smooth sailing. Even ovulation was not as bad as last time. Now I am at day 29 and no AF yet, but I am pretty sure it's coming. My temp dropped .2 this morning (it is still high though - this whole time since ovulation has been higher than normal) and I had very light spotting 2 days ago (normally comes 2 days before AF). So, we'll see what the rest of today and tomorrow brings. At this point, I think we really need to focus on the general health/wellbeing of DH. He is more stressed than I. He needs to lose more weight than I. His "optimal health" probably needs the most work. Even though his tests were all fine, I feel this might be a big part of things. I also got my blood work done again. My ferritin is up! Hooray! That is probably why I am feeling better about life and things too. I still feel quite tired and a bit burnt out. I'm not just where I'd like to be with energy, but that's okay. So, that's a bit of an update. The latter part of this week is dragging on... and I am now ready for DH to be back (and there are still 3-4 days to go). I'm lonely, but don't feel like reaching out to people. I am tired but don't want to rest. I want to organize and nest, and spend time with my puppy (whom I really love and has truly become my baby). If I love her this much, I can only imagine what it will be like to have an actual baby to love. There you have it!