Hosting... and the most stressful week ever!

(Warning: This post was NOT edited and is actually one big vent session)

Grrr!  It has been a terribly long, draining, stressful, exhausting, emotional kind of week.  And tonight just capped it off.

Hosting is one of my favorite things to do.  But I think I'm just going to have to give it up.  As of now, I just realized that we have ZERO non-baby/kid friends in the valley.  Apart from the college kids that kick around here sometimes, ALL of the couples we know are now either pregnant or already have kids... except for one couple that is moving away.  Even the couple who didn't have kids and we knew were struggling with infertility (though they had not told us, someone else had) is now pregnant (though they still did not tell us either).  And so a nice, relaxing potluck that was supposed to be a chance to come down after a long week turned into a night filled with screaming kids (there were only 2, but they were so loud!) and talk of all the woes of pregnancy.  I had to actually walk away from the table at one point and pretend to busy myself in the kitchen.  Actually, for most of the night I tried to "busy" myself as much as I could.  It just was not any fun at all.

As a pastoral couple, we are expected to spend time with people, and I grew up "watching" my mom and dad invite people into our house.  It's what I just love to do.  I am way more comfortable having someone over and setting up the house, preparing the meal and doing the dishes than going somewhere where I don't know what to expect.  But now I do not even enjoy having people into my home.

It probably didn't help that the week was so terrible and DH and I got into the HUGEST fight right before everyone came over.  I started a new job this week.  So, on top of an already-busy work week at my regular job (which had a few crises and highly intense moments), and on top of picking up the slack because DH hurt his back and couldn't walk the dog all week, and on top of saying goodbye to my crazy parents who are starting their shangra-la, mid-life-crisis, abandon all responsibility, travelling circus of a sabbatical...  I started a new job.  And it is intense.  And it is hard.  And I feel under-qualified.  And I don't like the setting, or the people, or the bureaucracy (it's a government job).  And it's the job I have always wanted to do, or so I thought.  And did I mention it's intense?  And it's really amazing pay.  And it's great experience both for learning and my resume.  And... and... and...

So, to sum it up, I worked my first day and came home really uncertain of if this job was a good fit for me right now.  The job is sort of what I expected, but I like it way less than I expected.  It feels like a lot of work and like it would take a lot of emotional resources.  And so we discussed the pros and cons of me taking it, and as much as I would love to do this job, we just both felt like maybe it's too much to take on right now.  But I felt like it wasn't fair for me to make such a quick judgement call, so I decided to go in today to give it one more shot.  Well, I decided that when I got to work, because I was really, really, really scared of telling them I couldn't do it.  I had already signed my life away, and met pretty much everyone in the office, and been given a key, and so on.  And I really just HATE quitting something.  Actually, I'm the total opposite and would rather take on EVERYTHING.  So I knew it would be really hard to walk in there and quit.  So, I texted my friend and she told me to get through today and evaluate over the weekend, which I thought was great advice.  So I got through today.  And I still didn't like the job by the end of the day and actually felt so stressed out.  (I also forgot to mention that I was so stressed out all last night that I clenched my jaw like crazy and had a huge headache and woke up exhausted today).

Anyways (wow, this is a much longer vent than I planned on writing) when I got home DH got mad at me for being so stressed out and "not listening to his opinion" and it just escalated and was no good.  The thing is, up until today he didn't have an opinion and was all like, "I'll support you in whatever you decide, etc."  And I didn't "not" listen to his opinion.  I definitely took his opinion to heart and had wanted him to tell me what he thought I should do.  I agreed with him even.  But I was having such a hard time implementing the decision and so decided to give it a bit more time for me to evaluate and be sure of it.  And so, right as we were at the pinnacle of the fight, it was time for everyone to come.

I don't even remember where I was going with this post.  Just that the night was "kid-filled" and no fun, and I was asked by the new couple we invited if we were going to have kids (they are a mixed couple, she is Korean and he is white) too.  And now DH is still mad at me.  And I'm burnt out.  And I have to quit my job on Monday.  And it's the worst week EVER!