So today is the day. 2 baby showers in one day. They are both unavoidable and I have been mentally preparing myself for them for weeks. Well, last week I considered faking sick for the day…
The first one was here at work, during work time (over a potluck lunch) and so there was not really a way for me to say no. It was not so bad because we just ate lunch and she opened the presents (It was for the girl who I have taken over maternity leave for, so I really don’t know her well. Luckily, someone else wanted to go in on a gift certificate so that covered the gift for me). The one this evening is a surprise one for the girl who is one of my best friends here. I am really happy for her (honest) and I want to support her, but lately it has just been a bit harder, since she is really showing and all the conversation around her centers on talk about her baby. Anyways, I feel pretty emotionally strong right now, and I also told another friend about our struggle so that she can support me tonight too, so I think it will be okay (and maybe even a bit of fun?).
On another note, I saw my counsellor again this week (she is just fantastic for me) and we had a good discussion about experiencing pain. I was coming to realize that I don’t like to experience pain (who really does?) so much that I pretend it’s not really there. Or I basically live two lives. It became obvious to me as I was thinking about this blog and the things that I write about. I am completely transparent here, but most of what I write is not known to anybody, except those who read this blog. Furthermore, a lot of the emotions and things that I express on this blog are NOT feelings that I would ever truly express in real life. Now that is a big disconnect between how I am truly feeling, and how I act. I think it is probably more exhausting for me in trying to compartmentalize what I feel than letting my true feelings shine out once in a while. So that is the journey that I am on. I have no idea how to really start to reconcile the two “parts” of me, but I think it will be a big burden off of me when I do. I don’t think I necessarily need to start blabbing about my problems to everyone I meet, but I do want to start to be more honest when asked about having kids, my current struggles, my life plan, etc. So even telling this one other friend today was a big deal. Baby steps, right?
I’d be curious, of anyone reading this blog, how did you make your journey public, and not just a private affair? How do you let your feelings show without letting them rule (I don’t want to come across as an angry, bitter person…yet at the same time I AM angry about what is going on…)?
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