Rough day

I don't even know what to say. I am tired. Exhausted, really. I've had a bad day. Even though there are lots of good things happening, underlying everything is this constant struggle and recognition that things ARE NOT OKAY. And every now and then it hits me hard. And it's like I can't control it. I melt down in some way or other. The thing is... I don't mind. I don't mind having little meltdowns here and there. I actually find it therapeutic not to have to pretend everything is okay all the time. Sometimes I just want to yell at the top of my lungs: "NO I AM NOT OKAY!" I give myself grace. I know my limits and I am pretty good at doing what I can handle. This time, though, it is DH who does not seem to get it. I know he doesn't want me to pretend, but he just wants me to be okay. And I'm not okay all the time. Most of the time I am... but when I'm not, he just doesn't seem to be able to handle it. So I feel even more alone.

Sigh. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Today was hard. I interviewed for a maternity leave position. I do hope I get the job. But I wanted to be the girl going on maternity leave, and not the "fill in." My friend showed me the updates in their nursery for their baby that's due in January. I didn't even care, but pretended to. There were a few jokes about adopting kids (joking about naming kids of different nationalities by names that did not match) and they just made me angry. And yet, I had to smile and pretend I was having a good time all evening. Well, shit, I am done. I am through. And I don't care if I am grumpy at DH and if we don't talk the rest of the night (even though I am ovulating and we should be doing more than ignoring one another). It's been a rough day. And that is okay with me.

It came

Well, my old friend AF came to stay. :( Not much more to say about that. Right after I finished ranting the other day she showed up. I hoped it was maybe just light bleeding (maybe implantation?), but it was not. Sigh. I'm not overly heartbroken, just feeling like if this does not work, I don't know what will. The doctors say everything should be fine. I am in prime health condition. So why does it not work?

I don't want to be bitter, but I don't want to have to act like everything is okay when it's not. We're leaving on holidays tomorrow. We're visiting DH's parents and the place we used to live. I don't want to see any of my old friends. I don't want to pretend like it all is good. Even the ones that I can be honest with - I just don't want to. And I don't want any damn person asking me when we're going to start a family. I might just punch out the next person who says that. I just want to be left alone. Or possibly consoled by someone who understands. I'm very excited that the first 4 nights of our vacation are just hubby and me. I don't want to do anything. Don't want to talk if I don't feel like it. Want to sleep whenever I want. I just want to be.

We just found out that DH may be taking more responsibility with his job soon as his "boss" is taking a leave of absence. This is good, but I don't want it to cause him more stress. I just hoped we would have all "this" figured out before he took on more. Oh well. Trust the process. Maybe somewhere in the midst of this all, God has a plan? That's definitely more of a question than a statement.

So I will be out of touch for a few days here, relaxing, refreshing, and hopefully enjoying life a bit more.

Get 'er done

Once again, just checking in… I think this has been the worst TWW ever! I just am so conscious of every little symptom, and want to get excited, but don’t want to get my hopes up. Dealing with IF certainly ruins you for any “fun” in finding out you are PG. Today is day 28. No AF – not even any spotting! Certainly have been feeling “action” deep in the belly area. Kind of crampy, but not painful. DH described it as sounding like a coffee purculator. I thought that was a perfect description! I’ve had a super stuffy nose the last few weeks, especially at night. I have not been sleeping through the night, but have been up with insomnia. I have had this terrible pinched nerve in my neck that has come and gone the past 2 weeks. And this morning I felt nausea and a bit of heartburn as I lay in bed trying to get up.  Never have I been so excited to feel that. However, I had a major meltdown cry day yesterday, and I feel strikingly similar to how I normally do right before my AF. The only difference is the constant “percolating” happening. I figured that I ovulated a bit late (day 16?) based on my BBT, so I shouldn’t actually expect AF till day 30. But then we leave on holidays for a week so I won’t be able to have a blood test (if need be) until WAY later! And it would just suck for AF to show up right when my holidays start, especially when we’re camping. Oh, so much uncertainty and waiting right now! DH keeps saying he thinks that when we finally are PG, it is going to catch me off guard. I just don’t know how it could with all the many symptoms that I am keeping track of! Oh my!

I have to settle in the words that a good friend (mentor) passed on yesterday. She encouraged me to trust God in the process, meaning that we don’t see the whole picture. But how much do you rest and relax in the process, and when do you need to be active and “get ‘er done”? Anyways, only 3 more days till holiday. Holiday. Holiday. Holiday. I hope this is just what we need.