I don't even know what to say. I am tired. Exhausted, really. I've had a bad day. Even though there are lots of good things happening, underlying everything is this constant struggle and recognition that things ARE NOT OKAY. And every now and then it hits me hard. And it's like I can't control it. I melt down in some way or other. The thing is... I don't mind. I don't mind having little meltdowns here and there. I actually find it therapeutic not to have to pretend everything is okay all the time. Sometimes I just want to yell at the top of my lungs: "NO I AM NOT OKAY!" I give myself grace. I know my limits and I am pretty good at doing what I can handle. This time, though, it is DH who does not seem to get it. I know he doesn't want me to pretend, but he just wants me to be okay. And I'm not okay all the time. Most of the time I am... but when I'm not, he just doesn't seem to be able to handle it. So I feel even more alone.
Sigh. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Today was hard. I interviewed for a maternity leave position. I do hope I get the job. But I wanted to be the girl going on maternity leave, and not the "fill in." My friend showed me the updates in their nursery for their baby that's due in January. I didn't even care, but pretended to. There were a few jokes about adopting kids (joking about naming kids of different nationalities by names that did not match) and they just made me angry. And yet, I had to smile and pretend I was having a good time all evening. Well, shit, I am done. I am through. And I don't care if I am grumpy at DH and if we don't talk the rest of the night (even though I am ovulating and we should be doing more than ignoring one another). It's been a rough day. And that is okay with me.
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