We had a cool couple of weeks here. I thought I would share a bit about them (though, warning, I am extremely tired and should be in bed so this may be short and to the point). Last week was the community Empire Days and we rented a spot at the street market and handed out free lemonade (homemade mint lemonade at that!). It was really cool because people were so shocked at getting something for free. Our purpose was to get some recognition in the community and to invite people out to a barbecue this week. We handed out almost 500 cups of lemonade and it was so much fun. We had a few interesting conversations about faith and got a bit of a flavour for what the area is like.
So... this week was the BBQ. We had no idea how many people to expect and planned for 50-80 (I pushed DH to do more than we should have, just in case), but had about 35 people show up (including the Bible group). I don't think anyone from the market days actually came, no that's not quite true. A bunch of kids (the lost boys we called them) who were next to us at the market (mom was selling hotdogs) came out. The rest of the people were either from the Community Church, or knew someone from the church. We even went around the streets inviting whoever we saw to come out. And actually, a few people did come! I think we only had about 4 people sign up on our email sheet for more information on what we do next, but hey, that's 4 people!
The really cool part about it all is that the whole time I felt like we were living in Bible times. We went out on the streets 2x2 and looked for people to tell about our event. We had a meal together. We fed some people who probably don't get a lot of food. We encouraged some struggling people and built relationships. We modeled our faith for the people we are leading week by week. It was pretty awesome. I told DH that if Jesus were on earth today, this is the kind of thing I think He would be doing. And that, for me, says it all.
(And, P.S., I ended up talking to J and she responded soooo graciously and thoughtfully. I know I can go to her with anything and she is super-sensitive not to rub this in my face. I feel slightly ashamed of how I feel, but I can't help it. I'm totally happy for them... it just makes me sad for us too)
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Let it go...
I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to let thing go this week. Everywhere I turn, I see someone pregnant or with a new baby and it is tearing away at me. I feel so angry. I feel hurt. I feel bitter. I feel like I wouldn’t even be happy if it did happen because of all the buildup of negative feelings about it, or like I would be ashamed of all these feelings that I currently have.
I decided today that it would be a good idea to buy J & P a baby gift. I have hardly even talked to them since they told us and I am starting to feel a bit guilty. It’s not just guilt. In the past, I would have gladly rushed out to buy a little baby present for someone close. This time it just seems so hard to do. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s since my brother and his wife had their baby almost a month ago. Suddenly it feels so real that we DON’T have a baby. Maybe it’s since hubby had his little meltdown about the whole topic and decided to get his act in gear. I don’t know. I’m feeling like I’m ready to try just about anything and pay just about any money (though giving up caffeine, dairy and wheat is a bit hard to swallow) just to make this happen. At the same time, I ask myself, “why?” Why is it that important? Sure, if there was one thing I needed to do to make it happen, I think I would. But because we’re in that elusive “unexplained infertility” category, we don’t actually know if this will help! There are so many girls that are overweight, drink too much caffeine/alcohol, dairy, don’t exercise, don’t eat organic, don’t calculate their cycles… and yet THEY get pregnant. Why must I do all these things I don’t want to do just to make the chance of having a baby happen?
Okay, there’s my rant for now. I decided that this blog should be more about other things too, and not just my moaning and groaning. Though I do think I find this kind of therapeutic and I “hope” that once these words are typed out on the screen here, I am able to let them go…
I’m not one of those fancy photo bloggers (yet), so mere words and descriptions of my life will have to do. I’d love to be better at photography and capture the moments I find so precious on my camera, but that will have to wait for another day. We’ve been working on establishing a garden in our yard. Well, rather, we got rid of the sterilized white and grey rocks that the previous owners had covered all over the garden and are slowly making the place look alive and green again. I feel quite successful in what we have done. Last fall my mom and I shoveled away ALL the rocks and turned over the soil. In doing so, we discovered layers of old shag carpet (likely from the house at one point) that they had laid just under the soil to stop weeds from growing through. Yuck! We got rid of that and replaced the soil with fresh compost and mulch for the winter. Oh, not before planting in a few bulbs that would hopefully come up in spring! This year I started with some small transplants from my mom and other cheap plants to cover things up. And finally just this last week I purchased some shrubs to bring some depth and color to the garden. It’s still a work in progress and needs some time to grow into itself, but I am much happier with how it is now. Maybe I’ll get adventurous and try to take some photos to post here later on. It is supposed to be a nice sunny long weekend.
I decided today that it would be a good idea to buy J & P a baby gift. I have hardly even talked to them since they told us and I am starting to feel a bit guilty. It’s not just guilt. In the past, I would have gladly rushed out to buy a little baby present for someone close. This time it just seems so hard to do. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s since my brother and his wife had their baby almost a month ago. Suddenly it feels so real that we DON’T have a baby. Maybe it’s since hubby had his little meltdown about the whole topic and decided to get his act in gear. I don’t know. I’m feeling like I’m ready to try just about anything and pay just about any money (though giving up caffeine, dairy and wheat is a bit hard to swallow) just to make this happen. At the same time, I ask myself, “why?” Why is it that important? Sure, if there was one thing I needed to do to make it happen, I think I would. But because we’re in that elusive “unexplained infertility” category, we don’t actually know if this will help! There are so many girls that are overweight, drink too much caffeine/alcohol, dairy, don’t exercise, don’t eat organic, don’t calculate their cycles… and yet THEY get pregnant. Why must I do all these things I don’t want to do just to make the chance of having a baby happen?
Okay, there’s my rant for now. I decided that this blog should be more about other things too, and not just my moaning and groaning. Though I do think I find this kind of therapeutic and I “hope” that once these words are typed out on the screen here, I am able to let them go…
I’m not one of those fancy photo bloggers (yet), so mere words and descriptions of my life will have to do. I’d love to be better at photography and capture the moments I find so precious on my camera, but that will have to wait for another day. We’ve been working on establishing a garden in our yard. Well, rather, we got rid of the sterilized white and grey rocks that the previous owners had covered all over the garden and are slowly making the place look alive and green again. I feel quite successful in what we have done. Last fall my mom and I shoveled away ALL the rocks and turned over the soil. In doing so, we discovered layers of old shag carpet (likely from the house at one point) that they had laid just under the soil to stop weeds from growing through. Yuck! We got rid of that and replaced the soil with fresh compost and mulch for the winter. Oh, not before planting in a few bulbs that would hopefully come up in spring! This year I started with some small transplants from my mom and other cheap plants to cover things up. And finally just this last week I purchased some shrubs to bring some depth and color to the garden. It’s still a work in progress and needs some time to grow into itself, but I am much happier with how it is now. Maybe I’ll get adventurous and try to take some photos to post here later on. It is supposed to be a nice sunny long weekend.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Desperate housewife
I have no idea why, but I literally fall apart when my husband goes away. It doesn't matter if it's for one night, or 20, but as soon as he is gone, I completely crumble. I get lonely, I think of worst case scenarios, I analyze every aspect of my life, and I busy myself up immediately to get over the bad feelings - all within an hour of being home alone. It's so weird because I honestly love and crave time alone. I'm an introvert and there is nothing I love more than to have the house to myself in the middle of the day to get some things done and spend time alone. But once I know that he is out of the city and I have to sleep all by myself in the bed... I can't handle it.
Today DH went away for a couple nights to district conference in Vancouver. And so, I got to thinking. I'll preface this by saying that though my thoughts are extreme during emotionally vulnerable times like these, they are still legitimate thoughts.
I'm still having trouble swallowing this "friend having a baby" situation. I know that I have no choice but to accept it, but I am slow in coming around. DH talked with P last week and told him about our struggle and how we are having a bit of a hard time, yet fully want to support them. But I haven't been able to talk to J yet. The timing just hasn't come up, and I don't even know what I would say. It's just a conversation that I don't want to have. Also this week I have been sick with a terrible cold (sore throat). I also went to my naturopathic doctor and just feel discouraged all over. My weight isn't where I want it to be, my hormones seem to be all over the place and inconsistent, I'm having these heart palpitations, my ferritin is extremely low, which isn't helping my energy - and yet I feel like I have been trying harder than EVER before to get things in order. So discouraging! My doctor said not to worry and that I am doing everything right and that there is still no reason as to why we shouldn't have a baby... so keep trying. And we'll start up with more acupuncture and chinese herbs. Fine...
But I got to thinking tonight about my motivation in general these days. I feel like I have no drive. And as I thought about it more, I realized that I really don't know what I am living for. I don't mean that in a morbid, "I have nothing to live for" kind of way. But I mean that there is nothing driving me forward right now. In all honesty (as snobby as this sounds), I feel like we(and I) have achieved so much of what we/I wanted to achieve. I guess that when I was little, my dreams/thoughts didn't get much further past this point in my life. I graduated high school, I have a college degree and now almost a Master's too (which wasn't planned or expected at all), I am married, we own a beautiful house... with a garden in the works, we had a puppy, we both have jobs/careers, we've travelled, and we're doing church ministry. What more could I want? The only single thing missing from that perfect life is a baby. I've accomplished all the other check points on my list, and now I'm left without the one thing that I was planning on to help me create a whole new list of check points in my life.
I kind of feel like I am trying to recreate the life that I lived and loved as a kid. I guess I value my mom and all that she taught/showed me so much, that I want to pass that on and live it again... though for who, I don't know. I've already lived it once so I don't know why I'm trying to get back there again. And I don't know how to create new dreams in my life... I can't at all picture life without a baby and a family. So what do I do now???
Today DH went away for a couple nights to district conference in Vancouver. And so, I got to thinking. I'll preface this by saying that though my thoughts are extreme during emotionally vulnerable times like these, they are still legitimate thoughts.
I'm still having trouble swallowing this "friend having a baby" situation. I know that I have no choice but to accept it, but I am slow in coming around. DH talked with P last week and told him about our struggle and how we are having a bit of a hard time, yet fully want to support them. But I haven't been able to talk to J yet. The timing just hasn't come up, and I don't even know what I would say. It's just a conversation that I don't want to have. Also this week I have been sick with a terrible cold (sore throat). I also went to my naturopathic doctor and just feel discouraged all over. My weight isn't where I want it to be, my hormones seem to be all over the place and inconsistent, I'm having these heart palpitations, my ferritin is extremely low, which isn't helping my energy - and yet I feel like I have been trying harder than EVER before to get things in order. So discouraging! My doctor said not to worry and that I am doing everything right and that there is still no reason as to why we shouldn't have a baby... so keep trying. And we'll start up with more acupuncture and chinese herbs. Fine...
But I got to thinking tonight about my motivation in general these days. I feel like I have no drive. And as I thought about it more, I realized that I really don't know what I am living for. I don't mean that in a morbid, "I have nothing to live for" kind of way. But I mean that there is nothing driving me forward right now. In all honesty (as snobby as this sounds), I feel like we(and I) have achieved so much of what we/I wanted to achieve. I guess that when I was little, my dreams/thoughts didn't get much further past this point in my life. I graduated high school, I have a college degree and now almost a Master's too (which wasn't planned or expected at all), I am married, we own a beautiful house... with a garden in the works, we had a puppy, we both have jobs/careers, we've travelled, and we're doing church ministry. What more could I want? The only single thing missing from that perfect life is a baby. I've accomplished all the other check points on my list, and now I'm left without the one thing that I was planning on to help me create a whole new list of check points in my life.
I kind of feel like I am trying to recreate the life that I lived and loved as a kid. I guess I value my mom and all that she taught/showed me so much, that I want to pass that on and live it again... though for who, I don't know. I've already lived it once so I don't know why I'm trying to get back there again. And I don't know how to create new dreams in my life... I can't at all picture life without a baby and a family. So what do I do now???
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Life goes on...
Remember that old show, "Life Goes On"? I don't really. But I remember the ridiculous theme song: "Obladi, Obladah, life goes on, ooooohhh...." Well they had one thing right - life does go on, even after turning 30.
My birthday ended up being really good. We just had some close friends/family over for dinner (tacos, the standard birthday meal) and then a bunch of people joined in for cupcakes for dessert (baked by Daniel!). It was fun and I felt special and loved and spoiled (tons of flowers and pretty little gifts). And then, 10 days later, DH and I headed off to New York City. That was a great adventure too, though I was really glad when it was over and I could come back home and get into real life again. I honestly really like my life here. Yes, I feel it is lacking in one vitally important way, but there is nothing in my life that I wish was not there. And that's pretty big. So, life just kept going and I made the transition to being 30 with not much changing.
And then this past weekend was Mother's Day. I remember last year being hard because they passed out flowers or something at church and made the focus all about mothers. Actually, all the girls got flowers, so it wasn't that I was actually left out. I just felt really bitter about the day and didn't want to celebrate at all. So, for this year I was already not looking forward to it. Then my dad asked my mom and I to share on "Stewarding your Womanhood" at church. And we said yes. I prepared a talk and it went fine. I think I only had one meltdown in the days leading up to it, but overall I remained strong.
And then...
Well let me back up a bit. Actually, before Bible group on Sunday night, I felt this huge urge just to make sure I spent some time with the Lord in prayer and reading my Bible. And I had a bit of a cry then and really felt heavy-hearted. I prayed for strength because somehow I felt I would need it to make it through the night.
So we have some great friends that live just down the road, P & J. We actually know them from when we lived in Kelowna and DH went to the same high school as P (who is younger). They moved here literally 2 weeks after us, and we have been inseparable couples ever since. They have by far been our best friends here and they have made our lives here so fun and meaningful. Like us, they are young, in love, and WITHOUT KIDS. Now, you probably know where this is going, hey?
For the past few months, I have had the dread growing that they may decide to have kids soon. It's not that I don't want them to have kids... it's just that I really feel the friendship will change and right now I feel like I just NEED a couple like them in our lives. Most of our other friends are single, or married with kids (okay, there are maybe 2 other couples without kids but we just aren't as close with them).
And so, when they came early on Sunday night to break the news to us...it was a bit devastating. I responded so graciously and excitedly for them (and I was excited, it wasn't a lie). I knew the time was coming and I had even suspected it a few times already (and quickly pushed the thought from my mind). But now it's real.
I slipped away for a few minutes before study began and actually had a real cry and emailed my best friend (who responded SOOOOO perfectly with exactly the right words I needed to hear). But then I dragged myself upstairs, put on a brave face, and made my way through the night.
Now what do I do? It's been two days and I haven't said a word to them (been very busy working and it's not like we talk every day). I know that things will just keep on as normal. I just don't think I can be the friend who wants to know all the details of the evolving pregnancy. But I do want to be that friend - I just want to be a part of it all. I want to be pregnant at the same time. I want to go through it with a close friend, not watching a close friend. I know that I'll just have to keep on going as if things are normal. And things are normal. I'm not bitter. I am excited for them. I just feel so dichotomous. I don't want to hide my feelings from them, nor do I feel like I have to. I just don't feel it's right or necessary to drag up my true feelings to them. So in those moments I'll be the happy, excited me. And when I'm alone, I'll be the sad, disappointed, questioning, given-up-hope me.
I'm not even sure what my point is here. This is not a "woe is me" post at all. I just don't know how to process or accept what I am feeling right now. I guess I really feel like I have two identities lobbying for my attention. They are polar opposites, and yet they co-exist.
I wish... but I don't even know what I wish for anymore.
And so, I just keep on letting life go on.
My birthday ended up being really good. We just had some close friends/family over for dinner (tacos, the standard birthday meal) and then a bunch of people joined in for cupcakes for dessert (baked by Daniel!). It was fun and I felt special and loved and spoiled (tons of flowers and pretty little gifts). And then, 10 days later, DH and I headed off to New York City. That was a great adventure too, though I was really glad when it was over and I could come back home and get into real life again. I honestly really like my life here. Yes, I feel it is lacking in one vitally important way, but there is nothing in my life that I wish was not there. And that's pretty big. So, life just kept going and I made the transition to being 30 with not much changing.
And then this past weekend was Mother's Day. I remember last year being hard because they passed out flowers or something at church and made the focus all about mothers. Actually, all the girls got flowers, so it wasn't that I was actually left out. I just felt really bitter about the day and didn't want to celebrate at all. So, for this year I was already not looking forward to it. Then my dad asked my mom and I to share on "Stewarding your Womanhood" at church. And we said yes. I prepared a talk and it went fine. I think I only had one meltdown in the days leading up to it, but overall I remained strong.
And then...
Well let me back up a bit. Actually, before Bible group on Sunday night, I felt this huge urge just to make sure I spent some time with the Lord in prayer and reading my Bible. And I had a bit of a cry then and really felt heavy-hearted. I prayed for strength because somehow I felt I would need it to make it through the night.
So we have some great friends that live just down the road, P & J. We actually know them from when we lived in Kelowna and DH went to the same high school as P (who is younger). They moved here literally 2 weeks after us, and we have been inseparable couples ever since. They have by far been our best friends here and they have made our lives here so fun and meaningful. Like us, they are young, in love, and WITHOUT KIDS. Now, you probably know where this is going, hey?
For the past few months, I have had the dread growing that they may decide to have kids soon. It's not that I don't want them to have kids... it's just that I really feel the friendship will change and right now I feel like I just NEED a couple like them in our lives. Most of our other friends are single, or married with kids (okay, there are maybe 2 other couples without kids but we just aren't as close with them).
And so, when they came early on Sunday night to break the news to us...it was a bit devastating. I responded so graciously and excitedly for them (and I was excited, it wasn't a lie). I knew the time was coming and I had even suspected it a few times already (and quickly pushed the thought from my mind). But now it's real.
I slipped away for a few minutes before study began and actually had a real cry and emailed my best friend (who responded SOOOOO perfectly with exactly the right words I needed to hear). But then I dragged myself upstairs, put on a brave face, and made my way through the night.
Now what do I do? It's been two days and I haven't said a word to them (been very busy working and it's not like we talk every day). I know that things will just keep on as normal. I just don't think I can be the friend who wants to know all the details of the evolving pregnancy. But I do want to be that friend - I just want to be a part of it all. I want to be pregnant at the same time. I want to go through it with a close friend, not watching a close friend. I know that I'll just have to keep on going as if things are normal. And things are normal. I'm not bitter. I am excited for them. I just feel so dichotomous. I don't want to hide my feelings from them, nor do I feel like I have to. I just don't feel it's right or necessary to drag up my true feelings to them. So in those moments I'll be the happy, excited me. And when I'm alone, I'll be the sad, disappointed, questioning, given-up-hope me.
I'm not even sure what my point is here. This is not a "woe is me" post at all. I just don't know how to process or accept what I am feeling right now. I guess I really feel like I have two identities lobbying for my attention. They are polar opposites, and yet they co-exist.
I wish... but I don't even know what I wish for anymore.
And so, I just keep on letting life go on.
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