Desperate housewife

I have no idea why, but I literally fall apart when my husband goes away. It doesn't matter if it's for one night, or 20, but as soon as he is gone, I completely crumble. I get lonely, I think of worst case scenarios, I analyze every aspect of my life, and I busy myself up immediately to get over the bad feelings - all within an hour of being home alone. It's so weird because I honestly love and crave time alone. I'm an introvert and there is nothing I love more than to have the house to myself in the middle of the day to get some things done and spend time alone. But once I know that he is out of the city and I have to sleep all by myself in the bed... I can't handle it.

Today DH went away for a couple nights to district conference in Vancouver. And so, I got to thinking. I'll preface this by saying that though my thoughts are extreme during emotionally vulnerable times like these, they are still legitimate thoughts.

I'm still having trouble swallowing this "friend having a baby" situation. I know that I have no choice but to accept it, but I am slow in coming around. DH talked with P last week and told him about our struggle and how we are having a bit of a hard time, yet fully want to support them. But I haven't been able to talk to J yet. The timing just hasn't come up, and I don't even know what I would say. It's just a conversation that I don't want to have. Also this week I have been sick with a terrible cold (sore throat). I also went to my naturopathic doctor and just feel discouraged all over. My weight isn't where I want it to be, my hormones seem to be all over the place and inconsistent, I'm having these heart palpitations, my ferritin is extremely low, which isn't helping my energy - and yet I feel like I have been trying harder than EVER before to get things in order. So discouraging! My doctor said not to worry and that I am doing everything right and that there is still no reason as to why we shouldn't have a baby... so keep trying. And we'll start up with more acupuncture and chinese herbs. Fine...

But I got to thinking tonight about my motivation in general these days. I feel like I have no drive. And as I thought about it more, I realized that I really don't know what I am living for. I don't mean that in a morbid, "I have nothing to live for" kind of way. But I mean that there is nothing driving me forward right now. In all honesty (as snobby as this sounds), I feel like we(and I) have achieved so much of what we/I wanted to achieve. I guess that when I was little, my dreams/thoughts didn't get much further past this point in my life. I graduated high school, I have a college degree and now almost a Master's too (which wasn't planned or expected at all), I am married, we own a beautiful house... with a garden in the works, we had a puppy, we both have jobs/careers, we've travelled, and we're doing church ministry. What more could I want? The only single thing missing from that perfect life is a baby. I've accomplished all the other check points on my list, and now I'm left without the one thing that I was planning on to help me create a whole new list of check points in my life.

I kind of feel like I am trying to recreate the life that I lived and loved as a kid. I guess I value my mom and all that she taught/showed me so much, that I want to pass that on and live it again... though for who, I don't know. I've already lived it once so I don't know why I'm trying to get back there again. And I don't know how to create new dreams in my life... I can't at all picture life without a baby and a family. So what do I do now???