I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to let thing go this week. Everywhere I turn, I see someone pregnant or with a new baby and it is tearing away at me. I feel so angry. I feel hurt. I feel bitter. I feel like I wouldn’t even be happy if it did happen because of all the buildup of negative feelings about it, or like I would be ashamed of all these feelings that I currently have.
I decided today that it would be a good idea to buy J & P a baby gift. I have hardly even talked to them since they told us and I am starting to feel a bit guilty. It’s not just guilt. In the past, I would have gladly rushed out to buy a little baby present for someone close. This time it just seems so hard to do. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s since my brother and his wife had their baby almost a month ago. Suddenly it feels so real that we DON’T have a baby. Maybe it’s since hubby had his little meltdown about the whole topic and decided to get his act in gear. I don’t know. I’m feeling like I’m ready to try just about anything and pay just about any money (though giving up caffeine, dairy and wheat is a bit hard to swallow) just to make this happen. At the same time, I ask myself, “why?” Why is it that important? Sure, if there was one thing I needed to do to make it happen, I think I would. But because we’re in that elusive “unexplained infertility” category, we don’t actually know if this will help! There are so many girls that are overweight, drink too much caffeine/alcohol, dairy, don’t exercise, don’t eat organic, don’t calculate their cycles… and yet THEY get pregnant. Why must I do all these things I don’t want to do just to make the chance of having a baby happen?
Okay, there’s my rant for now. I decided that this blog should be more about other things too, and not just my moaning and groaning. Though I do think I find this kind of therapeutic and I “hope” that once these words are typed out on the screen here, I am able to let them go…
I’m not one of those fancy photo bloggers (yet), so mere words and descriptions of my life will have to do. I’d love to be better at photography and capture the moments I find so precious on my camera, but that will have to wait for another day. We’ve been working on establishing a garden in our yard. Well, rather, we got rid of the sterilized white and grey rocks that the previous owners had covered all over the garden and are slowly making the place look alive and green again. I feel quite successful in what we have done. Last fall my mom and I shoveled away ALL the rocks and turned over the soil. In doing so, we discovered layers of old shag carpet (likely from the house at one point) that they had laid just under the soil to stop weeds from growing through. Yuck! We got rid of that and replaced the soil with fresh compost and mulch for the winter. Oh, not before planting in a few bulbs that would hopefully come up in spring! This year I started with some small transplants from my mom and other cheap plants to cover things up. And finally just this last week I purchased some shrubs to bring some depth and color to the garden. It’s still a work in progress and needs some time to grow into itself, but I am much happier with how it is now. Maybe I’ll get adventurous and try to take some photos to post here later on. It is supposed to be a nice sunny long weekend.
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