The Silence of Suffering

I like my dog but... she is not that great with toddlers yet.  It's not that she doesn't like them - she just doesn't quite understand what they are yet, and tries to lunge at them and nip...  So, when we were at the park playing with the other dogs and a little toddler starting coming towards us, I leashed her up.  The man next to me asked me about it, and when I explained he asked if I have any kids.  When I said "no," his immediate reply was, "Well, you should really get started on that!"

It's comments like that that make this struggle so hard.  I was talking to my DH about the "olden days" back in Bible times when they didn't have things like birth control.  If a married woman did not have any children after a little while, it would be pretty obvious to everyone that something was up.  Nowadays, however, it's not that obvious.  Those of us who are infertile are not seen outwardly as different than those who are choosing not to have kids.  And so innocent seeming comments can hurt so much more.  We are silent sufferers.  Infertility is not an open, discuss in broad daylight kind of topic.  And I think silent suffering is the hardest part.  I wish I could just tell everyone about it.  I just have no idea how to let my suffering be known...  It's also not just mine to share, but my husband's as well.  I think for guys there can be more a sense of shame, for some reason or other.  I just wouldn't want to cause my DH to feel any worse about it than he already does (though nothing has been confirmed to be a problem on his end either).  Blah!

In other news, I did see a counsellor today.  It was actually a really good experience and I plan to go back.  It was cathartic, which I needed... but it also I think affected me deeper and spurred on some needed change.  I want to be more aware of my emotions, and not feel the need to suppress the ones I'm scared of and don't like.  As a counsellor I know to do this, but it's not necessarily something I am good at.  The TCM doctor told me that my struggle may be more emotional and the "bottling up" of emotions within me.  I never thought I was a "bottler" but then I never even knew what anger truly was, or remember feeling sad, or other emotions I thought were "bad" when I was little.  I'm not sure if that was just learned behavior from my parents (I think part of it was for sure) or something more, but it's something that has stuck with me.  I'm not just trying this as yet another thing to "try" in hopes of making this work, but I think there may be validity in it.  I don't know if I'll go back to the acupuncturist.  I just really don't like acupuncture.  My last treatment was super painful.  I think she is one of the doctors who thinks that if there is some sort of blockage, she has to dig the needle in deeper to "break though" the blockage.  That just bloody hurt!  The whole experience was way more stressful than I think it should have been.  It left a bruise in my belly even.  Who bruises their belly?  I did burst into tears at one point, and she told me it was good for me to release my inner emotions.  Yet, I do that on almost a daily basis lately, it seems.  Anyways, she did order some herbs for me to help with "spleen" blockage, so I will pick those up and give them a try. 

My best friend since I was 6 years old is coming to visit tomorrow.  I warned her that I was a stress case right now, but I am really excited to see her!  I'll try to keep my clomid induced tears and meltdowns to a minimum.