Being a counsellor myself, I tend to analyze what I am going through, possibly more than other people. I like to be able to put my experiences into little boxes with labels so that I can feel better knowing that I’m not alone in my struggles. And so, as I was thinking about things last night, I realized that there is a cycle of despair attached to infertility. It’s similar to the cycles of abuse, or addiction that you might see in the psychological world. At least this is how it is with me. I would guess that I am not alone in this cycle and maybe others can find comfort in being a bit more self-aware and realizing what they are going through.
See, every month the cycle starts afresh. After AF shows up there is a period of mourning, an utter despair and hopelessness. For myself, there are teary outflows at the strangest times (like on my way into work this morning as I started thinking about my DH’s relatives and what they are doing for Christmas) and grumpy statements (usually to those closest to me). This may last from a day to a week. During this time, something switches. I realize that either I can stay in this despondent state, not enjoying anything really… or I can pick up the reigns and make the decision to try again. So, I muster up some more hope (though each time it gets harder to do) and start thinking positively – “maybe this month will be THE ONE.” Staying positive is essential to enjoy the baby dancing routine and any other aspects that go along with “trying” (being pricked with acupuncture needles each week, raging hormones from drugs, sore butts from constant shots, doctors appointment, RE appointments, ND appointments, massage appointment…etc. etc. etc.). After the fertile window is closed, a new phase of the cycle begins: the stress period (otherwise known as the TWW)! This is a period of high anxiety, analyzing every tiny twinge/smell/colour/pimple/emotion in the hopes that the tiniest symptom might be remembered and entered on a list of “first symptoms of BFPs” somewhere online. As this period goes on, anxiety may become higher and higher as hope increases. There may even be plans that are made or dreamed about (if I did become pregnant this week, I could keep it a surprise and give my DH an extra special gift on Christmas day!!!). Or, the cycle may start to wind down and head back to despair. Spotting, unexplained emotional breakdowns, sore back muscles, bloated tummy may only bring a huge wave of disappointment in knowing that AF is on her way. And when she comes, we’re back to square one and the cycle begins all over again… And that is the cycle of despair of infertility.
Personally, I think the hardest part is the waiting, once I finally realize that no, I am not pregnant, and these are truly just signs of AF coming to town. Yes, there sometimes is a tiny ray of hope… what if I AM wrong? But underneath that hope, I usually know and recognize that I am just trying to trick myself, trying desperately to stop the forces that are already at work within my body bringing on AF. By the time she does arrive, I am in that place of despair. I hardly even have any emotion to express… what is the point? I know it’s just a matter of trying to decide how quickly I want to bounce back up to hope again. Because I know I will. It’s my only option. And so it becomes a matter of timing. How long do I want to remain down and despondent? Because once I make the choice to pick up hope, the cycle begins all over again. This, really, is my only choice in the cycle. This is the only place where the power and control lies. The rest is up to nature, up to God, up to the forces of the universe. And so this crucial point becomes the most disappointing point too. When the only choice you have is how long to remain miserable, life can become pretty depressing. But it helps me to recognize this whole cycle and how it affects me personally – to cut myself some slack for how I am feeling at times and know that better times are coming.
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