The avoidance post...

I have been avoiding posting this week.  I'm not even quite sure why. 

Maybe it's because I didn't want to trump my happy Christmas post with a downer post of me whining about something or other.  Maybe it's because we have been truly busy getting things in order for the week ahead.  But really, I think it's because I was hoping... hoping... that I might have good, no make that great, news in my next post and I was pondering what I would say if it were true...

But it's not.  At least I don't think it is.  I tested the other day and got a BFN.  It was pretty early though, so I held onto hope.  False negatives are much more common than false positives, right?  Today I am "late" for my normal cycle, but then again clomid messes things up all the time.  I have had a high temperature for 16 days, though it dropped very slightly today (I also had a terrible sleep).  Does that mean my luteal phase is too long?  But then today I started spotting.  Blech!!!!  I mean there's always the hope that I could be one of those lucky ones who actually has implantation bleeding and maybe that is what it really is...  but I've hoped that too many times and it has not happened yet.  And so, I wait.  Expecting AF to show up, not tomorrow, but the next day.  This is the worst part.  Knowing it's coming and desperately wishing you could stop it.  Desperately wishing the hormones hadn't already been triggered inside your body and that, instead, a new life was taking form.  *Le sigh*  And so we start all over again. 

I'm not even sure why I am posting.  This IS a downer post.  I guess I really just want to share what I am feeling when I am feeling it.  Hope that's okay.