For me, the season usually starts with the baking - things that can be made head of time and put in the freezer for when the need arises. As a child I enjoyed baking. Normally we stuck to the standard sugar cookies and shortbread. At my grandma's she dug out some of her traditional German recipes, like Pfeffernusse cookies, which we all called dog biscuits, but loved eating. She also made a dessert called Pluma Mousse, which us kids didn't care for but my parents/aunts/uncles loved. Nowadays, I do a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Chocolate crinkle cookies, caramel chocolate shortbread, and of course... chocolate peanut butter squares. There is something so special about sipping a cup of tea in the morning while it was still dark and the lights of the Christmas tree are the only light in the house (just like I am doing now, apart from the glare of the computer screen).
The next thing on the list is always the Christmas tree. As long as I can remember, we ALWAYS put up a real Christmas tree. I only found out recently that my mom hated all the fuss... us kids never let her get away without putting one up. We would go to the farm to pick one out (or sometimes the grocery store) and bring it back home to let the branches settle. My dad always put the lights on, which could definitely get the blood boiling when one light decided not to work after the strand was put up... Then he and my mom would sit back while us kids dug out the decorations and loaded up the tree, complete with tinsel. I'm sure our tree was quite a sight. We handmade so many decorations when we were young, and of course had the special "Baby's first Christmas" balls. I can't wait to put one of those on our tree. We have kept up the tradition of a real tree. I think next year we might just do something smaller and simple, but a tree we must have. The tree is the quintessential Christmas decoration for me. There is nothing like sitting in a dark room lit only by Christmas lights and the shine of tinsel while Christmas music plays softly in the background... ahhh!
I just love Christmas lights altogether. I loved driving around to look at them as a kid and I still do today. In fact, in college, during the crazy week of stressful exams, a group of us would take a break and go look at Christmas lights to let off some steam and refocus our minds. It was great times. I am a fan of the simple red and white lights, but I'm a sucker for houses that are way overdone and just make you smile too. We actually went out last night looking for some nice lights (there's short selection in this town) and started discussing the origin of lighting up your house. I'm not sure what it is, but (environmental agendas aside) I'm glad for it!
And then there's the advent calendar. It's not that I'm so excited about what's inside... but as you know, I'm a sucker for the anticipation of things. The advent calendar symbolizes the waiting for something greater. The excitement in checking off the days is the best part of the fun. When we were kids my aunt gave us a homemade advent calendar and every year my parents would fill it up. I always loved it! Buying the ones in the store just never matches up. This year I made my own to start the tradition again!
Lastly, the most special part of the season for me is the reason we are celebrating. The birth of Jesus, and all that represents. When we were growing up our church put on a live nativity play every year. It was a pretty spectacular event for a small town. Our church office was on a farm, complete with stables and we would bring in real animals. We would serve hot chocolate and put on a production that would run about 4x each night over a weekend. There were lights spotlighted on the angels, a grumpy Jewish in-keeper (usually played by my dad) and a real baby to play Jesus. The show was attended by probably 800 people and featured in the local newspaper. One year, when I was about 14, I got to play Mary, the mother of Jesus. It was such a fun and special role for me. Every year at Christmas I had this tradition of reading a novel called "Two From Galilee," which was a fictional representation of what the experience was like for Mary. I loved the magic of it all. I love the story. I love the hope it brings. I love celebrating with our church in a candlelit Christmas Eve service, singing about the hope that we have.
The writer at "A Little Blog About Big Infertility" wrote a great post about the holidays and she created a rating system explaining where she emotionally spends the holiday (http://alittleblogaboutthebiginfertility.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/happy-holidays/). I found it to be quite appropriate. This year is different for me. I'm going through all the motions and trying to enjoy Christmas like I have in the past. I still find all these things memorable and special... but I am also a bit weary this year. We are all alone for Christmas. No family at all. I pictured that by now we would be starting all these traditions with OUR own family. But here we are. Sometimes this year I am an 8 on the scale...sometimes a 3... but mostly I hang out in the 2-4 range. I don't want these holidays to be here, but I don't wan them to be over. 2012. I'm nervous to head into a new year, wondering if it will be as full of disappointment as this one was. I think this past year was the hardest in our journey so far. On one hand, it will be nice for it to be over. But the unknown is scary too.
Either way, I can't stop it from coming and I can't stop life from moving forward. I can't stop my close friend from having her first baby within the next month. And I can't control the timing for my own pregnancy. Christmas is a week away. I hope to enjoy this time and create memories, even if they are not the memories I was hoping to create. I wish those of you who are in this struggle with me a Merry Christmas too. I encourage you to search for that hope... maybe it won't be found in the arms of your own baby right now... but look to another baby who was born over 2000 years ago bringing hope to a world that is lost and in despair. He is the reason for the season. It is true!
Merry Christmas everyone!
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