Feeling secure in bed rest

Yesterday one of the doctors I saw used the phrase "discharged" as she was speaking about my future here at the hospital. I really don't think she has a full picture of what is going on in my case, but that word awoke a number of emotions. Since then my brain has been in overdrive thinking of different possibilities.

For me, I think one of the hardest parts of bedrest is the unknown. I don't know if I will give birth to my babies here in Victoria before 32 weeks. I don't know if I will make it to 32 weeks but then be transferred to the hospital closer to home that can handle preemie babies born after 32 weeks. I don't know if my babies will be born there. I don't know if I will make it past that point to 34-36 weeks, where they will let me go back home and give birth in my hometown. I don't know if I will be discharged early and sent home on strict bed rest. If that happens, I don't know where I will give birth because it depends on how early the babies come. If the babies do come early, I don't know whether to expect staying here in Victoria, or in the city closer to home. All these unknowns are making me crazy!

Besides that, though, as difficult as hospital bed rest is at times, I don't know if I would want to give it up. There is a feeling of security and stability here that I am enjoying. The environment is so controlled that it minimizes a lot of worries. I always know when to expect my next meal. Cleaning is all done for me. My vitamins are brought to me. The babies are checked regularly. I have clean clothes and the essentials to keep myself fresh and healthy. I am in good hands, despite what the future holds.

If I were at home, my brain would be overrun with lists of things to do. There would be meals to freeze, the nursery to prepare, supplies to be bought, all while ensuring that the house keeps clean and running. Here, I have no control over those things, so I have had to let them go. Some days that is easy, and some days it is difficult. I really have no choice.

I am worried about going home and facing the reality of life again. I feel like it is going to be too much to handle. Two newborn babies AND trying to get the house ready/back in order for life as a family of four. I am a planner. The idea of being thrown right into that chaos makes me anxious!

I know there are things that I can do here and now to prepare, but it is hard for me to even engage in those tasks. It's like my brain can't handle being here and there at the same time. So for now I focus on what is here. I knit, and eat my meals, and read, and blog, and nap. And then I do it all over again.