Yesterday DH and I had an informative talk about handling family and visitors after the babies arrive. I say it was informative because I found out I had no idea how DH was feeling about it. It was really good to be able to talk it out and to hear his perspective.
It all started because his brother mentioned to me how he would like to fly his parents here for Christmas so that we can all be together as a family... At our home. It wouldn't actually be right at Christmas, but shortly after. I didn't engage him in the topic, but as soon as I could I spoke to DH about how I that thought overwhelmed me. This Christmas my entire family is coming "home." This includes my sister from Australia (with her husband and my niece), and my brother from Montana (and his wife and my niece and nephew). They are all planning to stay with my parents. It will be the first time we have all been together for Christmas in about 8 years, and there will be a total of 5 grandbabies under the age of 4. I am super excited! I like the arrangement because I know we can come and go as we need, but it will be nice to have them around.
So... The thought of having extra people around to divide our time with is not what I was hoping for. I also did not want to have anyone come stay with us, until at least 3 months after these babies arrive and we reach somewhat of a routine. I don't like the idea of people being around as I am learning to breastfeed (twins, at that), or when I am up multiple times in the night in my pajamas. However, DH feels differently. Of course he wants me to feel comfortable and taken care of, and he wants us to have some "alone" time before anyone comes, but he also feels like his parents will be left out of the fun. Since my parents live in the same town as us, they will get a lot of grandbaby time. For his parents, this is their first set of grandchildren. This is really special for them and he doesn't want that to be compromised.
I agree with him, although I am still hesitant about having people in our space. DH told me that I am a control freak about my environment... And it is true! I know it is. That is why being in the hospital has been such a stretch for me. I am sure I can suck it up for a few days and it will all work out. His mom is super helpful and I know that I would not feel any pressure to entertain. I just hope that we have enough time after getting these babies home to settle into things at least a bit before the craziness hits. DH did suggest that after we get home, we send a note to both of our parents saying that visits are fine, but that we want to spend the first week together just as a family of four, without too many people around and nobody staying overnight. I'm not even sure if that is what we will want at that point in time, but I love the idea of it now. He also wants us to plan to haul away to a cabin in Tofino in late January, just as our family. I think that sounds super idyllic, but the reality of it might be more than we can handle at that stage, haha. I guess we'll just have to see.
He is a gooder, and I appreciate knowing how he feels, even though it differs from me. Though this conversation caused me to shed some tears (but what doesn't cause me to cry these days?), I am glad we know how each other feels. I told DH that I would try to be fine with whatever, as long as he promised to have my back. To that he responded, "When do I not have your back?" And it's true. He is always there for me, always defending me, always supporting me. I don't know what I would do without him.
This is such a tough topic. I was so overwhelmed with everyone wanting to come and visit. My MIL came to the hospital and was there ALL DAY LONG. My husband and I had little time together with our daughter. It was crazy. This time we've set some ground rules to only have people come for an hour at a time with some serious down time between visits. It's hard when one set of parents lives far away. Good luck, and I'm so happy to hear you had this conversation because it is SOOOO important. Hang in there you're doing awesome!! <3
ReplyDeleteI got goosebumps at the thought of entertaining in laws with new babies. Your husband has no idea of the upheaval ahead.This must be about you and your needs, be selfish. Plenty of time for them to visit when you get the hang of things. Even if they are no trouble you really need your own space in the early days.
ReplyDeleteOne of the challenges of being married for me is having to split time between both families for the holidays. I just try to remind myself that for how important my family is to me, that is how important my husbands family is to him, and he deserves that time
ReplyDeleteI would hope that I was more important to my husband than his family thus I would hope that he would accept my wish to spend time on our own with our new babies.
ReplyDeleteWe still do not allow overnight guests except 1 person at a time. We have a small apartment, but even still, I can't handle guests and babies. That 1 person has to be a helpful person, do laundry, take out trash, do dishes, cook (or buy pre-made) food, clean up, and make sure their stuff is hidden from view while they're with us.
ReplyDeleteI am a control freak, but I am also in charge of two infants, and I can't deal with anyone else and their needs (even my own, most of the time).
But that's me, and other twin moms feel differently, and maybe it will be fine. Hopefully your husband will be a good buffer when you need one. :)