Reality sinks in

Yesterday I had my first really emotional day.  I think it had been growing ever since I spoke to a close friend a few days back.  Ever since then I have wanted to cry, but didn't feel like I could.  When DH arrived, and I hugged him, the barrier crashed down.  I just broke down.  I guess I hadn't realized how alone it was without him around.  All day I just kept crying on and off.  It did feel good to let it out.

That is, until we watched the NICU video.  The hospital made a video to show you what you can expect if you have preemie babies.  You also can tour the facility, but I didn't want to.  I realized after watching the video that I didn't want to do the tour because I am scared of seeing the NICU yet.  During the video, I started sobbing uncontrollably.  All this time, I have been preparing myself for the possibility of our babies spending time in the NICU.  I have read about different interventions, I have spoken to the doctor and nurses about my questions, and I have felt like we could do it if we had to.  Yesterday my confidence was shattered.  Seeing a visual of what it could be like just broke my heart.  As capable as the doctors are, and as confident I am of the science, no mom wants to see their baby hooked up to countless machines.  The thought of MY babies being there, was too much to handle.

I know that if the time comes, I will do what I have to to care for my babies and make it through.  Yesterday, though, I couldn't face the thought.