The spaces between

This is an honest post about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and change.  I thought that maybe writing about how I am feeling would help me put words to some of the things I am having a hard time describing.

Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk.  I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true!  I wasn't lying.  But I was describing my life with my boys.  This post is about the rest of my life.  Anyways, I'll explain more as I go.  Here goes:

I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting.  I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them.  Hooray!  So that is good.  In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression.  There is some anxiety.  And some just blues.

I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from.  Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going.  Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now.  I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys.  Work: I am dreading going back to work.  I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!).  Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer.  Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now.  We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys.  I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority.  Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods.  Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.

Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life.  I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process.  No, I don't think I lost myself.  I chose to let parts go.  People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that.  I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed.  I just don't really want the life I had before.  I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.

I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right.  All I care about right now is the mom side of myself.  Is that okay?  Is it normal?  I'm not unhappy.  In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy.  But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.

Has anyone else been here?

Thanks for letting me share.  I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier.  Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.