This is an honest post about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and change. I thought that maybe writing about how I am feeling would help me put words to some of the things I am having a hard time describing.
Lately, I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk. I know that I just shared in my last post about how happy I am in life...and it is true! I wasn't lying. But I was describing my life with my boys. This post is about the rest of my life. Anyways, I'll explain more as I go. Here goes:
I'll start off by first of all saying that this is not related at all to parenting. I LOVE being a mom. I love my boys and I am 100% fulfilled in taking care of them. Hooray! So that is good. In some ways I feel like I have a delayed form of PPD, but it's not necessarily depression. There is some anxiety. And some just blues.
I'm not really sure where the discontent is coming from. Actually, in some ways it feels like all the areas of my life apart from being a mom are in a funk. Socially: I don't really have friends (at least who live by me), apart from the moms that I have become dependent upon to keep me going. Ministry (church): I'm not interested in any of the church activities or work that we are a part of right now. I usually avoid events or just spend my time with the boys. Work: I am dreading going back to work. I know it will be "good" for me, and that we need to financially...but I just don't want to (insert temper tantrum face here!). Community: I am looking for ways to get more involved with moms and babies, as this is the area I feel most comfortable in, but most things are shut down for the summer. Romantic: DH and I are co-existing right now. We try to be lovey-dovey, but we just don't have the energy and all our time is spent with the boys. I feel a bit disconnected, though I know we are both trying to keep our relationship a priority. Physically: I have not been getting as much sleep lately, and I know this is affecting my moods. Also I don't have as much energy as I'd like to exercise and so I've hit a bit of a slump, which is also depressing.
Overall, I just feel like I have changed so much since going through infertility and then becoming a mom, but the change has not caught up to all the areas of my life. I know that it was just such a drastic switch from being so independent, to being so depended upon...and it makes me wonder if I lost part of myself in the process. No, I don't think I lost myself. I chose to let parts go. People warned me of becoming isolated after having twins, and it's not that. I'm not choosing to isolate myself because I feel overwhelmed. I just don't really want the life I had before. I feel like I have stepped away on purpose, but I'm not sure where to land my feet now.
I guess am finding my way into this new identity as a mom, but I question whether the way I am going is healthy, or right. All I care about right now is the mom side of myself. Is that okay? Is it normal? I'm not unhappy. In fact, most of the time, when I am with my boys, I am so full of joy. But when those moments pop up where I am not needed or have time to think for myself...I find myself feeling a little bit lost.
Has anyone else been here?
Thanks for letting me share. I feel like I can put words to what I am feeling now, and hopefully reach out to those who are around me a bit easier. Please share if you have been in a similar place and have any words of encouragement.
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Being Changed
The other day I spent the day at home taking care of my household. The boys came down with their first cold (insert sad face), my hubby woke up with a super sore throat, and even my dog cut her foot at the beach and was hobbling around on 3 legs. I wasn't feeling 100% but I was the "least" sick one, and so I was in charge of keeping everyone afloat.
It was supposed to be our day off - family day - and I had grand plans of doing some errands on my own and enjoying the sunshine with the boys. That did not happen. Instead I made tea, cooked meals, cleaned up after everyone, gave extra cuddles to the boys, cleaned the dogs paw, and rested when I could.
Throughout the day I experienced a range of emotions - from feeling slightly bitter about giving up my plans for the day, to feeling full satisfaction that I was needed and appreciated by my family. Today I felt completely like a MOM. And that got me thinking.
Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, as many people express, it is the most rewarding too. There are days when I struggle with all that I have given up. I don't yet feel comfortable in my new skin as a mother. I miss having the time to dress up, do my makeup, shower and shave, and look like myself! I miss doing the little things that refresh and rejuvenate me, like enjoying a cup of tea, or going to the gym. I miss having the time to connect with my friends who bring me life. I miss the way the relationship my husband and I had as just a family of two. Everything is different now. Sometimes it is just hard to accept.
And yet, I am redefining what it means to be me, what it means to be married to my husband, what it means to be a family of four (plus our furry friend)! I may not be as put together as I was before kids. I may be a few pounds heavier. I may have less time to indulge in the hobbies I enjoy. My house may not be as tidy (though I still make quite an effort!). But I am becoming a more patient, selfless, compassionate person as these two babies look to me to fulfill all their needs. I am deepening the depth of the relationship with my husband as we seek to remain intimate through the busy schedule of caring for twins. I am gaining new skills as I seek to stretch our money further, use our things more efficiently, and provide for my family with the resources I have. I am learning (slowly) to give up my expectations and live in the moment, letting life ebb and flow as it will. This is the hardest one for me. I still face anxiety here from day to day, and I set standards for myself that are too high and get upset when I can't reach them. I wish it were easier for me to adapt... but it's not. Hapa Hopes wrote a great post that echoes some of how I feel.
I love what I am doing. I am so excited about the future and so happy that I get to be a mom. I don't know what/who I am going to become. I know that this is changing me from the very core.
It was supposed to be our day off - family day - and I had grand plans of doing some errands on my own and enjoying the sunshine with the boys. That did not happen. Instead I made tea, cooked meals, cleaned up after everyone, gave extra cuddles to the boys, cleaned the dogs paw, and rested when I could.
Throughout the day I experienced a range of emotions - from feeling slightly bitter about giving up my plans for the day, to feeling full satisfaction that I was needed and appreciated by my family. Today I felt completely like a MOM. And that got me thinking.
Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet, as many people express, it is the most rewarding too. There are days when I struggle with all that I have given up. I don't yet feel comfortable in my new skin as a mother. I miss having the time to dress up, do my makeup, shower and shave, and look like myself! I miss doing the little things that refresh and rejuvenate me, like enjoying a cup of tea, or going to the gym. I miss having the time to connect with my friends who bring me life. I miss the way the relationship my husband and I had as just a family of two. Everything is different now. Sometimes it is just hard to accept.
And yet, I am redefining what it means to be me, what it means to be married to my husband, what it means to be a family of four (plus our furry friend)! I may not be as put together as I was before kids. I may be a few pounds heavier. I may have less time to indulge in the hobbies I enjoy. My house may not be as tidy (though I still make quite an effort!). But I am becoming a more patient, selfless, compassionate person as these two babies look to me to fulfill all their needs. I am deepening the depth of the relationship with my husband as we seek to remain intimate through the busy schedule of caring for twins. I am gaining new skills as I seek to stretch our money further, use our things more efficiently, and provide for my family with the resources I have. I am learning (slowly) to give up my expectations and live in the moment, letting life ebb and flow as it will. This is the hardest one for me. I still face anxiety here from day to day, and I set standards for myself that are too high and get upset when I can't reach them. I wish it were easier for me to adapt... but it's not. Hapa Hopes wrote a great post that echoes some of how I feel.
I love what I am doing. I am so excited about the future and so happy that I get to be a mom. I don't know what/who I am going to become. I know that this is changing me from the very core.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Identify and infertility
Things are getting slightly better with DH. He is like a wave that is up and down right now. The other day he was wonderful and sweet, yesterday when I came home he was grumpy, this morning he was angry and frustrated about stuff at work, after he talked he was nice again... He really is all over the place. I just have to take a deep breath, and realize that what is going through is not as much about me as it is about everything else (mind you, all of the minor "issues" he has with me are coming to the forefront through this process and that is no fun for me - the truth comes out about all the stuff he dislikes about me, ahhh!).
I read an article that Holly over at Ready to Be a Mom wrote for school about infertility and identity. Two lines stuck out super strong for where I'm at right now. First was this one:
Webb and Daniluk (1999) observed that the men in their study experienced a deep sense of grief, powerlessness, loss of control and personal inadequacy as a result of infertility. This loss of identity and control in one's life is not limited to the area of fertility. Quite often this sense of failure and powerlessness pervades into every aspect of one's life as a result of the feeling of lost control over one's own body and reproductive choices (Letherby 2002).
Wow! If that doesn't "sum" up all that is going on with DH, I don't know what does!
The next line summed me up perfectly:
...men and women when faced with threats to their identity or sense of self control, seek to compensate these feelings by exerting more control in other areas of their lives or reaffirming gender roles in alternative ways (Zucker 1999; Webb and Daniluk 1999).
So, I guess we're both just working through our own "stuff" right now, yet it is bleeding over onto one another. I have to learn not to take things so personally, and recognize that not everyone (even my husband) adores everything about me (haha!). It's humbling, and difficult at times, but maybe it will make me stronger?
I read an article that Holly over at Ready to Be a Mom wrote for school about infertility and identity. Two lines stuck out super strong for where I'm at right now. First was this one:
Webb and Daniluk (1999) observed that the men in their study experienced a deep sense of grief, powerlessness, loss of control and personal inadequacy as a result of infertility. This loss of identity and control in one's life is not limited to the area of fertility. Quite often this sense of failure and powerlessness pervades into every aspect of one's life as a result of the feeling of lost control over one's own body and reproductive choices (Letherby 2002).
Wow! If that doesn't "sum" up all that is going on with DH, I don't know what does!
The next line summed me up perfectly:
...men and women when faced with threats to their identity or sense of self control, seek to compensate these feelings by exerting more control in other areas of their lives or reaffirming gender roles in alternative ways (Zucker 1999; Webb and Daniluk 1999).
So, I guess we're both just working through our own "stuff" right now, yet it is bleeding over onto one another. I have to learn not to take things so personally, and recognize that not everyone (even my husband) adores everything about me (haha!). It's humbling, and difficult at times, but maybe it will make me stronger?
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