Settling into pregnancy?

So I'm 14 weeks pregnant!  And I can't say I feel fully "settled" into being pregnant yet.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that physically and emotionally I am miles apart.  Physically, I am 14 weeks pregnant in a twin pregnancy.  I've had the nausea, the heartburn, the fatigue... I've even started farting and snoring in my sleep (something I've never done before).  I definitely look pregnant.  Physically I am getting a handle on this being pregnant business.  I know what times of day I have the most energy.  I am learning how much or little to eat so that I don't feel sick all of the time.  I know how much my body can handle before I am just done for the day. 

My emotional preparedness for this pregnancy, however, is on an entirely different playing field.  Even though I am clearly showing, I find myself trying to cover up most of the time.  Partially it could be because we haven't gone fully "public" with the news yet; but even when I'm around people I don't know, I feel self-conscious about it.  I had the first person congratulate me yesterday without me saying anything about being pregnant.  I was mixed, feeling both happy and slightly uncomfortable.  Maybe this is survivor's guilt?  So far, most of the people who have found out (apart from the close friends we told right away) have been people who don't know us, or what we have been through.  When they find out, they treat us just like they would any other pregnant couple.  But we're not just another pregnant couple!  I find myself smiling, and laughing and answering their questions just as someone "normally" would, but then when I think about the conversation later, I feel guilty.  I don't know why.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I didn't misrepresent infertility by talking about being pregnant.  It's just that there's so much unsaid...  there is so much we've been through to get to this point... and I can't sum that up and let people know how I really am feeling inside.  So I smile and nod and answer their questions.  

There are some moments when I do feel just like a "regular" pregnant person.  There are moments I don't think about infertility and I just think about being pregnant right now.  And I like it.  But I am also ever conscious of losing touch with this part of me, this part of this community, this thing called infertility.  I feel muddled in the midst of it all.

I guess that's why I am apprehensive about tomorrow ("the" announcement).  I don't think I want all the attention.  That's why I went off Facebook.  That's why we are not doing anything grand to announce to the world... just a simple announcement at church.  But like it or not, we will get attention.  We were talking about it today, and realized that we check of most of the boxes for getting attention when pregnant: interracial couple, been married more than 5 years, leaders of a large group of people (church), having our first child, AND having twins.  I think there is going to be a lot of smiling on the outside tomorrow. 

I'll let you know what really goes on on the inside later...