Tea with my aunt...and other thoughts (warning: it's a long one!)

I had tea with my aunt who was visiting last night. It was real nice to have someone to talk to about things. I was not sure how to approach the subject but she just simply asked me, “So, how are you doing with all the baby stuff?” That was just what I needed – somebody to ask me! I realized that the hardest part of this is that I am not outwardly “sick.” I don’t have a visible disease or injury, yet all is not well. As a result, people think I am just fine, and I am not just fine. I had a little meltdown last night because DH was talking about how he has been trying to put on a brave face in the midst of some hard stuff he’s going through at work. I just got so angry and told him that I don’t want to put on a brave face anymore. I don’t want to smile and pretend like everything is okay. EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY! I think I have come to that point where I just want people to know what is going on. I’m not sure if I am looking for sympathy, or support, or people to mind their own business… I really don’t know what I am looking for?

This has been a tough week. Nothing major has happened, but it’s been weary. Like I saw in the example I shared yesterday, I am still busy taking care of other people and making sure that they are okay. I think it is okay to give myself a bit of permission to breathe and be “not” okay for a little bit. I know this is hard on DH though. All he wants in life is for me to be happy. When I’m not happy, he’s not happy! And I want to be happy too. But right now, I want to mourn, I want to be sad, and I want to receive some care and love. Once that has been fulfilled, I’ll gladly try to embrace life and life joyfully. My aunt encouraged me to find joy wherever I can. Luckily, I have great joy in my relationship. DH and I are best friends; we have fun together. I have a wonderful family. I have a rewarding career. I have enough money to have a home and travel now and then. These are all really good things. It’s not that I want a baby to complete my life, or my joy… I just want a baby because it’s the natural thing to want in a loving, happy relationship.

Oh, and just a quick rant note about something that happened yesterday. My mom’s side of the family is trying to organize a family holiday to Mexico at Christmas. I’ve never had a desire to go to Mexico… and I’m not too comfortable with some family members right now (won’t go into detail here) but a trip away is always fun. So, our friends P&J were over and all of a sudden I told them, “I have a brilliant idea!” I hadn’t told DH about the plans yet, so I told them all and then told P&J that THEY should join us (because we have so much more fun having friends around). They kind of laughed, but J’s instant response was, “We can’t go then! The baby is due in January.” Now I knew the baby was due then, and as soon as I said it, I knew there would be a dilemma. But I just wanted them to indulge the idea a little bit and humour me and tell me that it would be so much fun together. But the fact that the very first thing out of her mouth was, “We can’t!” showed me how ever-conscious she is that the baby is coming. I guess the thing is that she never really talks about her pregnancy with me now, and I don’t really ask. But even her small comment in a joking situation showed me how much they will (and already have) change once the baby comes. I just don’t think we’re going to be able to stay as close. And because she is my closest friend here, that is hard to face. I also realized that she doesn’t ask me how I am doing… ever anymore. I don’t know if I’m just getting stickler-like here and expecting more than I should… but I would think that she would at least ask me how I am doing from time to time! I know I’ve been different when we hang out. I am depressed around them. I am tired. I am weary. They MUST notice it. I try to have fun (sometimes), but it is just not the same. I guess this is the first close friend that this has happened with so I am probably processing it way more than I need to. I don’t want to be a bitter friend. I don’t want to be the bitter girl. But I’m not ready to hold my head high and pretend it doesn’t hurt yet. I’m still in pain.

Anyways, I hope we have a fun weekend. I am not really looking forward to anything in particular, but I just want this week to be done. I’ll try to hit up the Farmer’s Market, I think we’re going for a family hike, we have another BBQ with the young adults… and Monday is slated as a “me” day. No commitments! Just me and my DH and my dog, and I’ll call the shots, thank you very much!

Was that too long of a post? Haha! Sometimes I just need to express myself. I don’t expect others to read, but it sure is helpful to get it out of my head.