Countdown is on.

Sorry for the suspense since my last post. I got "it" the next day and didn't have the heart to respond. It was a full week late, which has never happened in my memory. It sucked. And it meant that I definitely will not be pregnant before I turn 30 - which is tomorrow (and that was a big deal for me). Not only have I been freaking out about the upcoming event, but that same day I got my period was the day of the big earthquake/tsunami in Japan. And ever since then there has been a nuclear crisis growing. It's been an intense few weeks, and I have had so much mulling around in my mind, but have found it hard to put into words. I still don't feel like I can describe how I am feeling. It has shaken me up and I am questioning everything and feeling hopeless, but without much choice but to move on. And now it's the eve of my 30th birthday.

I feel numb. I don't want my birthday to come. But since I know it has to come, I want it to be fantastically special, and I don't think it will. I went to Vancouver on the weekend to spend time with my girlfriends. It was a great day and I felt special and loved and we even had a great talk over coffee about everything that is going on. But it didn't fix anything. And I know that we are going to New York in a few weeks and that is to be my big birthday celebration. I know I'll be excited for it when it comes. But I just have a hard time finding joy "in the moment" these days. Even when I am happy and smiling, I have a sadness in my soul that will not go away. I don't know how to make it go away.

So we've planned a dinner/dessert even for tomorrow night. On one hand I want it to happen because I do want to feel special on such an important day (I'm really into celebrating the significance of days, and having this birthday be my 30th birthday on the 30th of March is significant!). On the other hand, I don't even want people to know it is my birthday and that I am turning 30. I am not at peace with it. Why, then, would I want to celebrate with people?

I suppose I'll just suck it up and make it through the day. Nothing outward will really have changed. It's just an ever-growing crisis of faith and identity growing within soul... And the countdown is on.