The waiting time

Thanks ladies for the wonderfully helpful comments today!  It was a rough day overall, but I've made it through. 

I did take your advice and call my doctor's office.  Unfortunately, I live in a small town and the options are limited.  The clinic that I go to is the only gynecology clinic here.  I am currently in the care of the OB after a referral from my MD.  The RE that I saw for my fertility treatments is in the "closest" city that does treatments, and that is 3 hours away.  The lady I spoke to today was nice and said she would talk to the doctor and call me back, but unfortunately I did not hear back from them today. 

As for a decision on what I want to do... I still do want to wait.  I don't really know why.  I am worried about the risks of infection and scarring with a D&C, although it sounds like it would be lovely to have it all over with and not experience the physical pain of a miscarriage.  The misoprostol just scares me because of all the horror stories I read online of people have terrible labour pains after taking it.  And there is the risk of hemorrhaging (which I think my mom did with all her births and maybe one miscarriage too).  It's not the waiting that is hard for a natural miscarriage.  It's the fact that I have these events coming up and I am freaked out of having a gushing blood experience while I am somewhere inconvenient.  Other than that, I don't really mind waiting.  I didn't think I would feel this way.  I thought I would just want it over with ASAP so we could get back to business.  But surprisingly, I am not minding this waiting time. 

When I think about my future and where I hoped to be in a few months time, it sucks and I do get a bit panicky and sad.  But when I am in this moment right now, I feel alright.  I was pregnant.  That never happened before.  Even though I'm not technically pregnant right now I feel good about my body and my chances of it happening again.  I'm trying to enjoy life, and I like that feeling.  Maybe I'm just in denial of what's really going on?  I don't know.  But I trust myself and the process enough to know that where I am right now is right where I need to be.  And so, I'm okay with it. 

DH and I talked briefly tonight.  He kept getting mad when I would bring up this topic and want to talk about what we should do.  And then it clicked.  He feels so powerless over what is going on, and he wants to fix it and help, but there is absolutely nothing he can do to make this happen, or stop it from happening.  Let me tell you, from all of my psychology training, this is the worst feeling for a guy!  Guys need to feel powerful in a way - not in a "over-your-head" kind of way, but they need to feel useful and needed.  When that is stripped, they actually wither away.  So for DH right now, he doesn't want to talk about it.  He doesn't want to be reminded of his powerlessness.  And yet, he doesn't want me to go ahead with a D&C or the pills.  He doesn't even know why, but he's not ready for that yet.  He doesn't want me to be "proactive" in trying to control this.  He knows it is out of our control and he is grieving that.  So for now, I will respect his grieving and wait to hear what the doctor says.