The end of nursing

It's a rare day that I actually have a chance to sit down and write a little bit.  I long to do so more often... but there are always other things that have to come first.  The boys are both napping, and I am sipping coffee rather than lying down for a catnap.  It's over a year since they've been born, and I still feel the need to nap every single day.  Even if it's just for 10 minutes... I have such a hard time getting through the day otherwise.  My days start at 6am and end at 10pm, so it feels like two back-to-back 8-hour shifts.  The midday closing of the eyes helps me make it through.  But it is also my only time "alone" so I want to start taking it back for myself, though some days sleep is the best thing I need. 

But that's all beside the point. 

The point is, we are officially done nursing.  And I feel so mixed about it.

On one hand, I am glad it went very smoothly.  I didn't really decide to be done, but we decided to try to cut out bottles more in the daytime, and switch the boys to sippy cups.  This encouraged them to drink more milk throughout the daytime.  I really was only nursing first thing in the morning.  But that nursing session got faster and faster, until they weren't really drinking at all and were only waiting for their cup of milk later on (and the cheerios that go with it).  So I experimented giving them a bottle or cup first thing in the morning, and all of a sudden... that's what they want.  There were a few days where RJ was waking up in the night when he was sick and I tried to nurse them, to help speed up his recovery.  But now, if I show them my breast, they just sort of examine it with a look like, "Yeah, I remember that thing" but they don't care to latch on anymore. 

And so I think we're done. 

It happened rather abruptly for me.  I stopped pumping on their first birthday, but I planned to keep nursing in the morning, and in the daytime or night if they were upset/hurt/in pain for a while longer...maybe until they were 2 years old.  I feel like, though, they saw the breast for nourishment, not as much for comfort.  And now that they are getting filled elsewhere, they just don't think they need it.  They are also busy little boys.  They don't want to stop playing to nurse.  No thank you mom!

I would do things differently if there were a next time.  I transitioned them pretty quickly to cow's milk, though now I realize I didn't really need to.   We started giving a bottle as part of the bedtime routine a long time ago, and I wish I would have kept that to be a special nursing time.  Also with sleep training, we stopped night nursing a long time ago.  But now I miss all those things.   All of my other friends with twins are done nursing too.  I just don't know if I was quite ready...

There is a part of me that feels like motherhood is about being physically connected to my babies.  For 8 months I carried them inside my body.  Then I birthed them out of my body.  Then for a whole year I sustained their life through my body.  It is such an incredible, bonding experience.  I guess I am now reframing my definition of motherhood as they (in a small way) detach from me.  It's a little bit sad.  

Those last few sessions nursing were very precious.  RJ had been sick and he cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes one time.  I won't ever forget those times of cuddles.  Overall, I am glad I had such a positive experience with nursing, even though it wasn't always easy.  I know I am lucky to have made it this far, and though it's sad, we are onto another chapter which will bring new joys. 

What I Ate - Nursing Edition

I've been meaning to do this post for a while.  One thing that surprised me incredibly when I started nursing was how hungry and thirsty I was!  I am not lying when I say that I ate more than I did while I was pregnant with twins.  Fortunately, this has settled down, but for those first three months I felt like when I wasn't nursing or sleeping, I was eating. 

For anyone else in similar shoes, I thought I'd share what a typical day of eating looked like for me:

5am - First breakfast: Bowl of oatmeal to tie me over till morning and help my milk supply
8am - Second breakfast: Eggs (usually 2), toast, and fruit (or a variation of an egg muffin, french toast, etc.
10am - Snack: Fruit or nuts
1pm - Lunch: Soup, sandwich and salad
4pm - Snack: Nacho chips with cheese and an apple; crackers and cheese
6pm - Dinner: Varied - Meat, carbs and veggies
9pm - Before bed snack: Cereal and milk
1am - Midnight snack: Yogurt or nuts

You can see that I certainly ate my fill!  I tried to keep a high amount of protein in my diet to keep me going.  I also incorporated lots of foods that I have heard are good for milk supply: oatmeal, avocado, cashews, seaweed, and the occasional beer. :)

Unfortunately, after giving birth I developed a HUGE sweet tooth that still has not gone away.  I blame it on the fact that I had gestational diabetes and couldn't fulfill my cravings during pregnancy.  I didn't add it in, but every day included an indulgence of chocolate, cookies, or cake, depending on what was available.  I'm trying to curb this habit now, but it sure is hard!  

So there you have it. 

Goodbye to nursing (Baby A)

I can't believe it, but both boys are napping and I've had a chance to have lunch, tea AND now blog too!  They woke up once, but I put them back down and they are asleep (it's been an hour, which is great, since they've only been napping 30-40 minutes). 

I have had an emotional couple of days, and all I wanted was to come here to share my feelings.  This may be a sensitive topic for those who are still TTC, as I share frustration about giving up nursing, so there's a head's up. 

We have "tentatively" decided to stop nursing RJ and switch him over to bottles of expressed breast milk.  And this breaks my heart. 

It has been almost 2 months of struggling to feed him.  He continues to gain weight at a slow and steady pace, so it's not a matter of him being malnourished.  For the two weeks we really struggled with a nursing strike, he dropped below his growth curve, so we decided after that to incorporate more bottles.  Since doing that, he rarely will take breast.  Then this week he became really fussy on bottles too.  It is so stressful trying to feed a baby who doesn't want to eat.  We brought him to the doctor to check if it was an ear infection, or thrush, or digestive issues, but the doctor could find nothing wrong.  Basically, he said that RJ is just a fusspot.  He likely has developed a bottle preference, simply due to the mechanics of drinking from a bottle rather than a breast.  We noticed that he was the most fussy at bottles when he was too tired, and if he had to burp.  So now we have tried to feed him when he first wakes up and just do top-ups before bed.  Since putting him on more of a schedule and monitoring how much he is eating, he is much happier and (for the most part) sleeping more soundly. 

I don't know why a baby would choose a bottle over breast.  He still wants to snuggle me like crazy.  He still roots on me, but as soon as I put him in the breastfeeding hold, he starts arching away, turns his head and cries.  It is so sad to see!  Most of the time I put him to sleep by bouncing him with his head resting on my chest between my breasts, but he just won't drink from them!  The only time I can really get him to nurse is 4am in the morning when I am full and he is super sleepy.  Sometimes he'll take a few sucks if he is tandem feeding with his brother.  But that's it. 

I really, really, really don't want to give it up entirely.  I have these grand notions that he'll outgrow this stage and go back at it.  Am I just deluding myself?  I had hoped to nurse him into toddlerhood.  When the boys were really tiny, my most bonding moments with RJ were nursing.  He just was so precious as he nursed! 

I know that I shouldn't complain.  MJ still nurses like a champ.  I still have breastmilk to feed my boys (though it IS more work to pump extra and give bottles, rather than just breastfeeding RJ).  There is just something so special about nursing.  It has been one of my favorite parts of being a mom so far.

I have been super emotional about it, and nobody really understands (well, my mom does as she couldn't nurse my brother and sister for a few different reasons).  RJ is just such a needy baby... I feel like nursing can meet so many of his needs - nutrition, emotional connection, physical touch, communication - and it is just so sad that he won't do it.  But I feel like we have really given a good fight.  Each time we try and fail now, I get so discouraged.  I just don't have it in me to fight anymore.  If it were just one baby, it would be different.  But there are two.  This is the decision to make for now. 

It just makes my heart break a little.