Goodbye to nursing (Baby A)

I can't believe it, but both boys are napping and I've had a chance to have lunch, tea AND now blog too!  They woke up once, but I put them back down and they are asleep (it's been an hour, which is great, since they've only been napping 30-40 minutes). 

I have had an emotional couple of days, and all I wanted was to come here to share my feelings.  This may be a sensitive topic for those who are still TTC, as I share frustration about giving up nursing, so there's a head's up. 

We have "tentatively" decided to stop nursing RJ and switch him over to bottles of expressed breast milk.  And this breaks my heart. 

It has been almost 2 months of struggling to feed him.  He continues to gain weight at a slow and steady pace, so it's not a matter of him being malnourished.  For the two weeks we really struggled with a nursing strike, he dropped below his growth curve, so we decided after that to incorporate more bottles.  Since doing that, he rarely will take breast.  Then this week he became really fussy on bottles too.  It is so stressful trying to feed a baby who doesn't want to eat.  We brought him to the doctor to check if it was an ear infection, or thrush, or digestive issues, but the doctor could find nothing wrong.  Basically, he said that RJ is just a fusspot.  He likely has developed a bottle preference, simply due to the mechanics of drinking from a bottle rather than a breast.  We noticed that he was the most fussy at bottles when he was too tired, and if he had to burp.  So now we have tried to feed him when he first wakes up and just do top-ups before bed.  Since putting him on more of a schedule and monitoring how much he is eating, he is much happier and (for the most part) sleeping more soundly. 

I don't know why a baby would choose a bottle over breast.  He still wants to snuggle me like crazy.  He still roots on me, but as soon as I put him in the breastfeeding hold, he starts arching away, turns his head and cries.  It is so sad to see!  Most of the time I put him to sleep by bouncing him with his head resting on my chest between my breasts, but he just won't drink from them!  The only time I can really get him to nurse is 4am in the morning when I am full and he is super sleepy.  Sometimes he'll take a few sucks if he is tandem feeding with his brother.  But that's it. 

I really, really, really don't want to give it up entirely.  I have these grand notions that he'll outgrow this stage and go back at it.  Am I just deluding myself?  I had hoped to nurse him into toddlerhood.  When the boys were really tiny, my most bonding moments with RJ were nursing.  He just was so precious as he nursed! 

I know that I shouldn't complain.  MJ still nurses like a champ.  I still have breastmilk to feed my boys (though it IS more work to pump extra and give bottles, rather than just breastfeeding RJ).  There is just something so special about nursing.  It has been one of my favorite parts of being a mom so far.

I have been super emotional about it, and nobody really understands (well, my mom does as she couldn't nurse my brother and sister for a few different reasons).  RJ is just such a needy baby... I feel like nursing can meet so many of his needs - nutrition, emotional connection, physical touch, communication - and it is just so sad that he won't do it.  But I feel like we have really given a good fight.  Each time we try and fail now, I get so discouraged.  I just don't have it in me to fight anymore.  If it were just one baby, it would be different.  But there are two.  This is the decision to make for now. 

It just makes my heart break a little.