The end of nursing

It's a rare day that I actually have a chance to sit down and write a little bit.  I long to do so more often... but there are always other things that have to come first.  The boys are both napping, and I am sipping coffee rather than lying down for a catnap.  It's over a year since they've been born, and I still feel the need to nap every single day.  Even if it's just for 10 minutes... I have such a hard time getting through the day otherwise.  My days start at 6am and end at 10pm, so it feels like two back-to-back 8-hour shifts.  The midday closing of the eyes helps me make it through.  But it is also my only time "alone" so I want to start taking it back for myself, though some days sleep is the best thing I need. 

But that's all beside the point. 

The point is, we are officially done nursing.  And I feel so mixed about it.

On one hand, I am glad it went very smoothly.  I didn't really decide to be done, but we decided to try to cut out bottles more in the daytime, and switch the boys to sippy cups.  This encouraged them to drink more milk throughout the daytime.  I really was only nursing first thing in the morning.  But that nursing session got faster and faster, until they weren't really drinking at all and were only waiting for their cup of milk later on (and the cheerios that go with it).  So I experimented giving them a bottle or cup first thing in the morning, and all of a sudden... that's what they want.  There were a few days where RJ was waking up in the night when he was sick and I tried to nurse them, to help speed up his recovery.  But now, if I show them my breast, they just sort of examine it with a look like, "Yeah, I remember that thing" but they don't care to latch on anymore. 

And so I think we're done. 

It happened rather abruptly for me.  I stopped pumping on their first birthday, but I planned to keep nursing in the morning, and in the daytime or night if they were upset/hurt/in pain for a while longer...maybe until they were 2 years old.  I feel like, though, they saw the breast for nourishment, not as much for comfort.  And now that they are getting filled elsewhere, they just don't think they need it.  They are also busy little boys.  They don't want to stop playing to nurse.  No thank you mom!

I would do things differently if there were a next time.  I transitioned them pretty quickly to cow's milk, though now I realize I didn't really need to.   We started giving a bottle as part of the bedtime routine a long time ago, and I wish I would have kept that to be a special nursing time.  Also with sleep training, we stopped night nursing a long time ago.  But now I miss all those things.   All of my other friends with twins are done nursing too.  I just don't know if I was quite ready...

There is a part of me that feels like motherhood is about being physically connected to my babies.  For 8 months I carried them inside my body.  Then I birthed them out of my body.  Then for a whole year I sustained their life through my body.  It is such an incredible, bonding experience.  I guess I am now reframing my definition of motherhood as they (in a small way) detach from me.  It's a little bit sad.  

Those last few sessions nursing were very precious.  RJ had been sick and he cuddled and nursed for almost 20 minutes one time.  I won't ever forget those times of cuddles.  Overall, I am glad I had such a positive experience with nursing, even though it wasn't always easy.  I know I am lucky to have made it this far, and though it's sad, we are onto another chapter which will bring new joys.