I don't know who reads this blog much anymore. If there is anyone reading who is still in the TTC trenches. If there is, this may be a post you want to skip... maybe. :)
Giving birth to children and becoming a mother are life changing events... there is no doubt about it. As I have written about before, for me, the transition was not seamless, despite the incredible love I have for my children. I struggled (and still do) to make sense of my new identity, to reconcile the hurt and pain from years in the trenches, and to adapt to my new role. And now, nearly a year in, I find that role changing once again.
My boys are no longer completely dependent little babies. Yes, they still are little. They still are babies. And they still depend on me. But now entirely like they did when they were one month old. They are branching out in their little world, discovering what it means to be apart from "mom" for a period of time, and learning things like how to move, to communicate, and to eat on their own. This transformation is truly incredible.
As I wrote about in this post, I, too, am branching out, back to the life that was put on hold when these little beings entered my life. And just as they face separation anxiety being away from me, so I face anxiety being away from them and trying to find my way in a land that is familiar and yet so different.
So much changes in one year with children.
I am not the same counsellor who left my job a year ago.
I am not the same friend I was before I had children.
I am not the same wife who lived childless with my husband for 8 years before these boys entered our lives.
I think it is only natural to feel anxious.
I haven't yet figured out how to really enjoy life "on my own" again. My best (and hardest) moments are when I am with my children.
I. Love. Being. Their. Mom. SOOOOO. Much.
It's all I really want to do right now.
I anticipate the milestone next month with a bit of trepidation. In some ways, I want things to stay exactly as they are right now forever. I know that can't be.
But I just want to hold on a little longer. I'm not quite ready to move ahead just yet.
Like any experience, I agree with you that parenting has changed me in many ways. I think similar things can be said for anyone who goes through a transition (moving away from home, getting married and even experiencing death are a few more). The trick is with change to understand that we all come out of a transition changed, both for the better or for the worse.
ReplyDeleteHitting the one-year milestone is a big one, but also a scary one. Gone are the days of snuggly babies who rely so much on you. But ahead are the days where they become more and more their own people. I see it with both my kids, as they now have thoughts and opinions (sometimes strong ones) about different situations. It's shocking in a way, as I find the old ways of comforting are gone and I'm having to modify how I interact with them. Hence a longing for the old. But there's excitement there too, with watching them explore and interact with their world and others. To feel pride when they socialize well, both with other kids as well as adults. To see that I'm doing something right as they are happy.
Hoping this next month is one of smooth transition.
I'm still here - not good about commenting because I read posts on my phone but just wanted to say hi!
ReplyDeleteGood luck figuring out who you are now that you are also mom. I've been working on it for 6+ years and I still have no clue most days beyond "someone getting through this day without screaming at anyone." I keep hoping to have just a day or two where things are slow and nobody is rapidly learning something new and it happens for an hour or two here or there.
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