Infertility sucks

Just thought I'd poke my head in and drop a little note. 

I've had a hard week on the fertility front.  A friend of mine recently became pregnant with her second.  She is the first in our baby group to have her second.  She had a previous miscarriage so was anxious about the first ultrasound.  When she reached out for support and encouragement it was hard for me, and that shocked me.  I guess it was because of the ease she had in becoming pregnant with her second...

For me, I am filled with fear, not knowing how hard it will be to conceive again. 

Hubby doesn't quite get it.  He says we'll just try and "see what happens."  But allowing ourselves to "try" means the possibility of it not working... and that would mean facing all the rest. 

I just want it to happen without having to face all the rest. 

I want to go back and be naive and carefree and be surprised if it did happen.

But I can't.

Infertility sucks.

Though we are not officially "trying" I am working to get my body in health and shape.  Part of that for me includes acupuncture. 

I had a visit yesterday and she did a few deep needles in my abdomen.  I instantly felt a tenderness and almost a bridging to my fertility.  I relaxed into the treatment, but partway through the sensation in my abdomen began to increase, to the point where I felt uncomfortable, almost stabbing cramping pains.  I called her in and as she was coming in, I felt a surge of anxiety and it felt like my abdomen was on fire with heat.  She assured me that it was fine and took the needles out, letting me know that it was a release.

There is a book called "The Body Remembers."  It's about the way that the body holds onto trauma and the muscles have memory of traumatic experiences.  I felt like that treatment activated the trauma I faced during my pregnancy and in my bleeding afterwards.  I let my tears fell, and I felt like it was an honouring of my experience.  I hope that it was a release. 

I don't know where this journey will take us next. 

I'll keep you posted.

TTC after Pregnancy after Infertility

I feel like I haven't blogged about anything "real" in a long time.  What I mean by "real" is my own personal thoughts and feelings.  Yet lately this blog land space has been on my mind.  I miss it.

I've also had a lot of thoughts regarding infertility on my mind again.  So here we go.

Is it just me, or are a lot of people in the blogosphere finding themselves suddenly pregnant after pregnancy after infertility?  Maybe it's just the friends who I follow on here, but it seems to be a common theme.  That, or the decision to TTC for a second time.  And that's where I find myself.  No, not pregnant, but trying to decide whether to TTC again.

Our boys are nearly 16 months old.  Which, if we suddenly found ourselves pregnant, would give us a new baby right after the twins enter their terrible twos.  Are we not CRAZY for even considering that?  But I can't help it!  The thought is suddenly consuming my mind.  And I'm trying to figure out why it all of a sudden is so important to me.

Part of my brain has this notion that I can "trick" my body into getting pregnant easily again if I just try right away.  I only recently got my period back (sort of), and maybe I can suddenly get pregnant before my body realizes it is infertile.  Does that sound crazy?  I know I have heard others who feel the same way.  And I have seen it work!  So in a way, I feel like the pressure is on and I need to get on this fast before I lose my chance...

It may also be that the boys are definitely NOT babies anymore.  We have full-on toddlers in the house.  Which is wonderful, and fun, and exciting, and exhausting!  But I miss my babies.  And I feel like I want to experience all those beautiful baby stages again... this time not in shock and not while recovering from a fairly traumatic pregnancy/birth experience.

That is part of it too.  I can't help but want a normal pregnancy/birth experience.  I definitely feel like carrying twins, plus being on bed rest, plus having tons of bleeding/pregnancy complications, plus the NICU, plus post-partum hemorrhage was NOT the normal experience.  It's not that I'm ungrateful for my experience, but I just wonder what it would be like to experience a pregnancy without all the complications... or has infertility and my trauma ruined me of that?

I also think that if we do have a third child, I want him/her to be close in age to the boys, so that he/she is not a third wheel and left out all the time.  I feel like a child closer in age would allow them to break out of their "twinship" and befriend the other sibling more.  I don't know if we would go for a fourth, so that may be all we have.

I don't even know for sure if we want a third child.  We are a pretty happy family as it is.  I just can't stop thinking of trying for another one...

There will be no surprises for a while, as I still have the IUD.  We jumped on the birth control wagon as soon as we could since we really didn't want a surprise right away.  The shock of parenting newborn twins just scared us too much!  I'm back on a waitlist to see my OB and have the IUD removed, so this isn't going to happen anytime too soon.  I'm really just trying to figure out if it is what I want.

Okay, I know it is what I want.  I'm just trying to figure out if the reasons for me wanting it are rational and  reasonable.

So there you have it.  Oh, and can I just say that infertility definitely has changed sex for us forever (or at least it seems so!).  Yes, there are still those spontaneous, fun, enjoyable times... but how bad is it that when I go to the bathroom and see some ripe CM sitting there, my first thought is, "WE NEED TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" before realizing that I'm on birth control and not even capable of getting pregnant.  Yet it was like an uncontrollable urge!  I'm pretty sure that's not exactly how sex was designed to be.