Scars

Now that I am starting to feel settled at home again, the emotions of the past three months are starting to surface.  You know how you can operate on adrenalin for a while and eventually your physical body crashes and catches up with you?  I feel like that is what happened with my emotions.

Looking back, I can say now that I had a difficult pregnancy.  The first trimester was great!  I wasn't that sick, we were so excited about the twins, and I even managed to enjoy a trip to Australia.  It was during the second trimester that things became tough.  I had read about the challenges and complications common in twin pregnancies, but I didn't expect to be affected so deeply by it all.  First was the bleeding, then came stopping work early (at 24 weeks), then came house bed rest, followed by more bleeding, and finally hospital bed rest (3 hours away from home) with more bleeding.  This continued right until the birth.  The birth, itself, was probably the "easiest" part of it all, but that was closely followed by quite a stay (21 days) in the NICU, in a different town than we live in.  All in all, I spent 10 weeks away from home, 7 of those on hospital bed rest.

I am trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it all.  It's not quite anger, but I do feel ripped off that after all our years of struggling, I wasn't able to enjoy a "blissful" pregnancy the way that other people do.  But really, that is a minor feeling.  I more so feel like this whole experience has changed me in an intangible way.  I do not feel like the same person I was 9 months ago.  I know that my experience with infertility will never leave me.  However, I had already resolved the impact that infertility had on me and come to peace with my identity.  Also, having babies allowed me to close a chapter in the book of infertility.  There are still scars there but they are not at the forefront any longer.  Now I feel I have a new wound from the trauma of the pregnancy experience.  Like infertility, it also is a wound that other people cannot see or understand.  Yet it has impacted me so deeply.  I don't know how or when it will heal.  I just feel like it has altered the core of who I am.

The main place I see this represented right now is in regard to my bond to my babies.  Some people talk about being instantly in love with their babies when they meet them.  Other people experience a bonding process that evolves over time.  I think I would classify myself in that latter category.  I know there is no doubt that I am filled with a greater love than ever before for these babies.  I have become a protective mama bear.  I would (and have!) sacrifice anything for them.  But I don't always feel the gushy, lovey-dovey feelings right now.  I think that is in direct relation to the emotional healing that I am going through.  Again, I feel ripped off by this.  I guess it's just my way of grieving and reaching a place of healing.  I get scared by the idea of post-partum depression, especially since I tick off a lot of the boxes for risk factors.  But I don't think I am depressed.  I just think my bond with these babies needs to evolve in its own way and time. 

It's not that I feel judged by others about this either.  I guess I just don't feel like anyone would really understand what I'm going through.  That's the best way I can describe it right now.  I write this post in case there is someone else out there who may be feeling similar, so that you can know you are not alone.