I'm a jumble of thoughts and emotions today.
I came home from work early today. I felt like I really didn't "need" to, but the past few days I was feeling pretty blah, and I just didn't have the emotional energy to attend to my clients like I needed to today. I'm not sure if I'm fighting a bit of a flu, or if it is just all pregnancy symptoms too. Either way, I decided to give myself a break and leave work early (I'm also considering taking tomorrow off too...shhh, don't tell!). It was so tough to go into work today. I don't know if it is just because I only have 3 more weeks at my one job, and I'm starting to "check out" already. Or it could be that my mind is consumed/worried/anxious about our upcoming ultrasound on Wednesday.
I think the latter is weighing on me more than I realize. The other night I sat down to write down our TTC history in a notebook so that I have a hard copy and not just the notes on the computer. Our ultrasound is on April 10th this year. It just so happens, that a year ago, on April 10th, we went for a 2nd ultrasound with our first pregnancy to confirm viability. April 10th was the day we were diagnosed with a blighted ovum. Despite the fact that I feel way more pregnant than I did last year, I think I am subconsciously bracing myself for bad news. In most cases, you could say that as long as there is no bleeding, everything is fine. But last time my body missed the miscarriage, meaning that it continued to produce the gestational sac, even though the baby inside wasn't growing. What if that is what is happening this time? I really don't think it is... I do really feel positive that this is our time to have a baby... but I think underneath it all I am very aware of the memories of last year. Maybe that's why I'm not feeling so hot right now. Maybe my body is giving me time to emotionally prepare, to rest, to have some space from the worries of work so that I can focus on what we need as a family right now. I think that is possible.
I'm caught in-between wanting to embrace this pregnancy and enjoy myself (amidst the feeling icky), and not wanting to get too attached. All that I really want for this ultrasound is the permission to move on. The permission to go ahead and rejoice and become attached to this little being growing inside of me. When I first found out I was pregnant, I impulsively signed up for some Baby Center forums, which I now get daily emails about. I glance over the new thread topics, but I can't bring myself to comment or join into another community apart from this one. I have pregnancy books, but I don't care to look at them. I'm supposed to have my first mid-wife appointment this week, but I don't even feel like I want to go yet. I really hope that this ultrasound confirms things, and that we are able to move on.
Cristy, at Searching for our Silver Lining, wrote a fabulous post about Infertility Amnesia vs. Healing. I really don't think it's possible for me to have infertility amnesia. I am consistently conscious of the road we have travelled to get this far. I am aware of how different our journey is from most of the families around me. I am aware of the hurt that will never fully go away, the jealousy that will always flare up, the missed time that I will always regret. And yet, I plan to be completely devoted to enjoying this pregnancy and (hopefully) our miracle baby. So here I am, reaching to the past, and hoping for the future at the same time.
Sadie at Invincible Spring wrote a post recently about body memory. I know I recently experienced this with the anniversary of my miscarriages, so I wonder if this is what you're going through. It's not that you're repressing anything, it's just that the body remembers trauma and healing is more than coming to a logical conclusion; it's also healing the heart.
ReplyDeleteHoping for a great first ultrasound on April 10th!
Thanks for reminding me of that post about body memory. I loved it and have been thinking about it all week but couldn't remember where I had read it. I do agree that definitely happens.
DeleteIt's such a hard place to be. And I think Cristy may be right. When things happen on those particular dates it affects us in ways I never thought possible. Here's to good news on Wednesday and being able to move forward. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you. I remember how doomed I felt after seeing blood (and then just a sac at the ultrasound, no baby... though the OB suggested it was possibly still "really early" –which thankfully, it was), and how it was so hard to get attached until I saw that heartbeat. Sending you lots of positive & pregnant vibes. Can't wait until April 10th! Almost there!
ReplyDeleteBeing pregnant after a loss is so hard. You've been through the nightmare and it's so hard to get that out of your head and let the excitement through.
ReplyDeleteJust try to remember that today you are pregnant and you love your baby. Tell yourself that every single day.
I have everything crossed that you get to cry happy tears on Wednesday!