Today is roughly the day that would have been my due date, had I not miscarried 6 months ago. Today is a day of remembering for us. I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but I want to do something memorable to commemorate this life that was with us so shortly. We may also start a new tradition of breaking out the Christmas decorations early to look forward to what is ahead (I do love me some Christmas!). I keep thinking of what our life would have looked like if things were different. I keep secretly hoping that maybe this month we will magically appear pregnant, just in time for Christmas. I guess I just want to keep the hope alive.
Lately I have read a few blogs referencing being thankful for infertility. I can definitely say I'm not there yet! At the same time, I know infertility has changed me and I can't go back and erase those changes that have crept in over the past few years. Infertility and me are intertwined.
At the same time I wonder: Will the pain and sorrow of infertility ever be mended enough that it does not hurt so badly?
At this point, having a baby, or making a family isn't the answer. I don't think the pain of infertility will ever be fixed. I guess I thought up until now that eventually the pain would be replaced by something good. Whatever that good thing is (a baby, a child adopted, or a reconciling with a childless life), I thought it would take the place of infertility. However, I am starting to realize that infertility will forever leave a scar on my heart. And in a strange way, I'm kind of glad for that.
I don't want our struggle to be forgotten once it is "over." Whether I like it or not, the last 5 years of my life have shaped me into the woman I am today. Those years can't be taken back. They are a part of me, and will be forever. I may not yet see the benefit in them, or the ways I have been molded and changed by the sorrow, but they have made me ME.
Part of my journey lately has been reconciling myself to the ME that I am now. It's not who I expected to be at this point in my life. I don't "love" all the parts of ME that this journey has brought to light. But there are parts of ME that wouldn't have been brought to existence without this journey. Does that make sense? Yes, I am grieving the loss of the ME that I thought I would be, but I am also adjusting to my new reality. This is who I am. Right now. I want to learn to love and appreciate this person as much as I did the former me.
Thinking of you today....
ReplyDeleteVery poignant. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Slynn <3 I remember how odd and difficult these types of days can be on us. . . I'm happy to hear you are wading through all the stuff in your head, to find out who you are. . . or rather. . . who you are now. I often feel a lot of what you expressed in this blog. . . I totally get it. (((massive hugs)) and lots of love to you <3
ReplyDeleteGreetings from ICLW!
ReplyDeleteGorgeous post. I am insanely jealous of your ability to keep a little hope alive for Christmas - I used to be entirely claymation when it came to holidays, and now it takes everything in me to not want to stick christmas trees up fertile people's butts, business end first.
I'm so sorry that today isn't what it should have been for you. Thinking of you, lovely.
I am very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI hope the holiday season will pass mercifully, and that the next one you will get to as a growing family. I wish you the best for the next chapter of your TTC journey.
ICLW#33
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. Visiting from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteUnfulfilled due dates a never easy and I'm sorry you are thinking of your lost one today. This is a really great post, thanks for sharing your feelings.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from ICLW.