Are we ready to heal?

Lately I've been questioning whether or not DH and I are even able to emotionally heal at this point in time.  We are SO ready to get on with our lives, to embrace what is next, BUT we just can't seem to get there.  The pain continues to creep in ever so silently at moments when we don't expect it.  I don't think we are fighting it, but we are just ready for it to be over already.

Maybe it's like having an injury to your knee.  After taking the prescribed time to let it rest and ice it down, you try walking again.  It's tough at first, and you can only go slowly, but you generally gain the strength.  So you try to go for a short run, but when you come home the pain returns and you feel like you are at square one.  However, you ice it, you treat it well and the next day it is better.  You really want to run, but you know you need to take it slow, so you do a short walk again.  One day your knee may feel fine, and the next day it might hurt again.  It's all part of the process of healing

That's how I feel right now.  I want to run so badly!  I want to be over all this pain, and questioning and confusion.  I want to be at the place where we've come to terms with our situation (whether that be adoption, or not having children, or miraculously conceiving) and we are in the next phase of life.

I think this is why I'm having such a hard time being around people with kids right now.  It's terrible!  Everywhere I go I see moms with their young kids.  It's probably because I'm usually out and about during school hours, so I only run into the moms with kids under the age of 5.  And every time, the only thought going through my head is, "That should be me."  It brings me to tears.  It's just not fair.  I feel like I should be at the point where I have kids entering into kindergarten right now.  I see myself as that mom.  The one dropping kids off at school, going home to be with the toddler, making finger paint and preparing kid-friendly meals, doing family activities on the weekends, tucking them in at night time.  And every time I see someone else doing these activities, my heart just breaks all over again.

It's not just about having a baby anymore.  It's not just about being pregnant.  I don't even know if I want to go through that, to go through the newborn stage and not get any sleep (have I mentioned how poorly I function without sleep?).  I just want a family.

I guess I feel like everything DH and I have worked for is pointless if we're not doing it for the sake of family.  Why do we have a 4 bedroom, fully furnished home?  Why have I mastered the skills of baking and cooking meals for more than 2 people?  Why do we have a car that can be loaded full for trips and camping and holidays?  Why do we have steady jobs?  Why do we live in a town that is clearly for people who are "settling" into life, full of family festivals, farmer's markets, and a community feel?  Why do all of our friends have children?  Why are we here right now???

Yet I don't want to leave this life.  Leaving would mean letting hope die.  I want to hold onto all we've built, for the hope that one day those empty rooms will be filled.  Is that foolish of me?