Processing

I'm processing as I write here.  This is the best way for me to sort out my thoughts.  Fortunately I have a slow day at work today...also I think I might leave early.  It's not worth it being here today.

I knew I wasn't prepared for a negative result this month.  Yet that's what we got.

After I took the test this morning, I crawled back in bed with DH and just lay there.  I felt so much anger inside!  I don't understand why this didn't work.  Everything looked perfect on paper.  I had symptoms.  The timing was all right.  Why did it fail?  I know that so many others have asked the same questions, and it just made me so angry thinking about how hard it is for all of us, while others have it so easy.  And I feel so alone, like no one here will really understand.  DH is the only one who really gets it.  I don't even want to talk to my mom.  I don't want to talk to any friends.  I don't want to talk to my God.

I'm not sure I want to do any more treatments.  When I look at the success rate, even on these blogs, it is there... but it seems you have to go through so much to find success.  I feel like rushing into another IUI would just be another chalk on our list of multiple treatments we have to go through in order to find success.  I don't have any hope that it would work.  That feels depressing.  I'd almost like to give up trying.  Move on to saving/applying for an adoption.  I don't know if this is all worth it.

I guess I feel lost right now.  My year maternity leave position at the place I am working is nearly up (Sept. 26th).  I took on the position being almost positive that I would achieve a pregnancy during this time and not have to worry about finding work once it is over.  Since the pregnancy and miscarriage, I had gained hopes that maybe the girl was not going to come back to the position and I would be able to continue on.  It's a great place to work and I really do love my job here!  DH says it has made me come alive.  Yesterday, though, I found out that she is most likely coming back.  So in a month's time I will be looking for work again.  I don't want to look for work.  I don't want to focus on building a career.  I want to build a family.  Our closest friends have moved.  I honestly don't feel like I have any friends here to talk to.  I feel so lonely.  I was planning a trip to Australia to visit my sister after her baby is born.  Now I don't even want to go.  Plus, we are in debt pay-down mode, and really can't afford the trip, even if I wanted to go.

Really, I have nothing to look forward to right now.  All I wanted was this baby.

DH has been amazing through all of this.  He has kept trying to keep the hope alive when I was fading.  Now, he is the strong one.  He was more prepared for this than me.  He told me this morning that we should just focus on being in love.  What a sweetie.  I told him that was a good idea.  Really right now, that's all I have got.