Anxiety blues

There's a new kid in town... his name is anxiety.  He kind of came out of nowhere and sideswiped me this week.  I guess it makes sense.  Anxiety usually stems from a feeling of lacking control.  But still, I wasn't expecting it.

This past week I have felt horrible all week.  It started with the clomid and crazy emotions and feeling spaced out.  Then I got what I thought was a stomach flu, that has stuck around all week making me feel icky all the time.  On top of that, the anxiety started.  I didn't have full-on panic attacks, but for the past few days it feels like there is a weight on my chest that gets heavier and heavier.  There have been moments of panic and anxious responses (quick breathing, elevated heart rate, etc.).  But what it is interesting, is that these are not spurred on by worries about this treatment cycle.  In fact, I almost could care less about this cycle.  I do not have high expectations and, while I'm sure the 2ww will be terrible, I haven't really been thinking about it that much.  This anxiety is a different kind.  This is relationship anxiety.

I can't quite pinpoint where the trouble lies, but I feel trouble brewing in mine and DH's relationship.  And I feel like on top of all the loss that I have experienced this year, I CAN'T handle losing control in this.  The thing is, we both don't want it to be like this.  We both want to love each other, and care for each other, and see our relationship last decades and decades.  It's almost like there is some invisible force that is pushing us apart and we are grasping out, trying to get close to one another.  I don't get it.  What I do understand is how he is feeling.  I know he is tired of seeing me unhappy, and emotional, and depressed.  I know he feels like he can't "fix" anything about this situation and that makes him feel unworthy and meaningless.  I know he is tired frustrated by me "not being okay."  But all I want right now is for him to accept me as I am... and he can't.  And somehow, that has shattered me.

I'm not doing okay right now.  I hate the person that I am.  I am trying so hard to be okay for him and am not succeeding.  I am trying to get out there and be social, but it is so hard.  My work drains me and when I get home I don't really want to do anything but get through the evening and get to bed.  I hate not having energy.  I hate feeling depressed.  I hate not being okay.

And I think he feels like I am choosing to be like this.

And that makes me so mad!  I have told him that I am not trying to be difficult.  He wants to believe me, but I don't think he can.  So I feel like I am in, yet, another scenario where I must pretend to "be okay" in order to protect the relationship or those around me.  AND I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

This is definitely what has sparked this anxiety.  He is the last person for me to go to... and I feel like he's jumping ship.  I honestly don't know what to do right now.

I forced myself to contact "friends" today, to try to get out of the house and talk to someone.  But that's part of the problem.  I have zero friends right now.  Like zero people I can just call up and say, "let's hang out."  There are 2 girls who struggled with infertility and conceived and now have babies.  I contacted both of them but one was busy and I couldn't get a hold of the other one.  My BFF is away on holidays.  My friend J has moved away.  There is one girl from our young adults group but she works Saturdays (and I just don't know how much I can really trust her with my emotions yet).  My only friends are my mom, the 70 year-old lady from my church (who is also away), and a dear family friend who is in her 60s and also away right now.  I have nobody my age who I can go to!  I'm trying to make friends, but when you're depressed, anxious, struggling with infertility and your emotions are a mess... it's REALLY hard to put yourself out there.  That's what I need DH to understand.

Anyone have any ideas???